Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Being Somebody

This is topic Being Somebody in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Given a limit of 13 lines to post, naturally it occurred to me to ask, can you tell an entire story, with an idea, characterization, conflict, and resolution, in just 13 lines. Of course you can. Fred Brown did it in 15 words! My attempt at a 13 line story is below.

“What do you mean you just want to be yourself?”
That's mom. It’s my thirteenth birthday, so I’m old enough to merge my consciousness with anybody on the planet.
“Nobody is going to hang with you if you aren’t somebody famous. When I was your age, I was Paris Hilton.”
Does mom really think I know who Paris Hilton was, or care?
“Why should my life be exactly like a million other people. So in our down time we can chat about what we had for lunch?"
“You don’t have to be a movie star. You could be a -- I don't know -- a rocket scientist if that's who you want to be."
“Well, flash reality, I like being me.”
“I’ve got news for you little girl. You’re not so special.”
So, now I’m off to Bangkok. And I’m never coming back.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Hu?

Are you really trying to tell a story in 13 lines? I don't think you managed to do it.

Are you looking for feedback? What do you want with this listing?

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Yes, I'm looking for feedback.

Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

Flash fiction. It is fairly popular and a fun yet hard way to learn how to cut away the excess.

Posted by mechbasket (Member # 5586) on :

the way you ended your story was really abrupt. I was slightly hooked. To be honest, I was confused but in my confusion I was hooked enough to try and understand what was going on.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

My only critique is a believability one - and that is that as a mom, there's no way I'd EVER tell my kids they aren't special.

However, I know that not everyone does things my way (why not? The world would be so much simpler if they all did...LOL) and that some parents *would* say this, it just seems to me to be such a small minority as to be really weird.

But interesting concept, and I thought the execution was good, though my experience with flash and ultra-short fiction is next to nil. I remember the one I think is OSC's - something along the lines of "The baby's blood type? Mostly human."

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

If I expand this short short into something that has a chance of selling, and I probably will, I'll make it clear that the conflict shifts -- at first the daughter assumes that the conflict is over whether or not she will go along with the current fad of spending your teen years as "somebody". But when the mother says, "You're not so special," she realizes that the mother is just picking a fight with her to get her out of the house. Sadly, this kind of behavior is all too common. When she realizes what is really going on, the daughter resolves the conflict in the only way daughters can resolve these conflicts, by leaving home.

So, I tried to follow the dictum "show, don't tell". In this post, I've done the "tell". Now I have to figure out how to show this so the reader understands what is really going on without being told. Also, I need to expand the sf element by going into more detail about what it is like to share consciousness.

Thanks for the feedback.

Posted by Badger (Member # 3490) on :

Apropos of this, Hemingway once wrote a short story which consisted of 6 words:

"For Sale: Baby Shoes. Never worn."

Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

wired magazine did a big 6 word short fic story from major authors sometime last year.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

That Hemingway story never fails to bring a lump to my throat. It may be the best story he ever wrote.

Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :

About the 13. I don't know if hooked is the right word, since I read the whole thing, But it did draw my attention in long enough to read the whole thing. I would like to see it all fleshed out and have more meaning to it.

Where I see the point in very "Hyper" short fiction I think there is something to be said for a few more words.

I like to think of it this way. Your words provide the watercolors that give the reader the ability to color the world that you have build for them with your story.

There is a point IMHO where the watercolors become tempera paints, and even to oil paints and really too heavy and unwieldy to use, but I think there is a balance.

With too few words you get a black and white picture, too many words and you are painting with lead based paint that will make you stupid from lead poisoning.

I would like to add that so long as a black and white picture is in focus there is nothing wrong with it, but I think most people would agree that color is the preferred.

[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited June 22, 2007).]

Posted by sakubun (Member # 5719) on :

Perhaps I'm a little slow, but isn't a 6 word story called a sentence? I'm not blown away like others seem to be over his 6 words. Is there some back story I am missing? I know it makes me think about what it means, but isn't that me doing the work?

How about "I was" or "I did." That's two words, is it 3x as brilliant?

I'm not bashing it, I just don't get it. Why is his 6 word flash fiction so great?

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

The six-word story thing seemed popular. "Three went to Iraq. Two Returned." And so forth.

Back to the topic, the sentiment that she isn't special makes sense. It is a reversal. This world seems to be one where people can literally be other people, merging with consciousness in a way. So people are special by being other people, not by being themselves. Thus, the mom tells the daughter she's not special and she should do what others are doing to be special.

Made sense to me. I'd love to see a longer version of it, though. You fit it into thirteen lines, but all it did is make me wish for more

Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

Sakuban

Think about it. I break these hyper-shorts into clauses, or ideas

For Sale: --- Makes me think of a classified ad

Baby Shoes --- Makes me like of getting rid of used products/no longer needed clothes

Never Worn.---Means the Child died.

Same with

Three Left For War. Two returned. (This is the original version I think)

Like the old saying "All that matters is the dash" what matters in such a short story is what is between/implicit.

[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited July 10, 2007).]

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Either a story produces an emotional response in a reader or it doesn't. The Hemingway story gets an emotional response from me. Few stories do, only the good ones.

Posted by sakubun (Member # 5719) on :

I get the fact that the baby died and it is clever for 6 words, but I don't get how it's the greatest work ever written, or at least his greatest work.

The other one could be shortened to 5:

War. Three leave. Two return.

Also interesting, emotional, and clever. But not the greatest piece of writing known to man.

"Either a story produces an emotional response in a reader or it doesn't. "

I think that sums it up.

** sorry to get semi-off topic