Caulin stared at the light spilling in under his cell door; it was the only thing keeping hope alive in his heart. Caulin was startled when something furry scurried over his feet. He watched as a large rat sniffed around his cave looking for food, ignoring him. Caulin removed his boot and took aim at the disease-carrying beast. He hurled his boot at it and the rat squealed. Caulin laughed as he walked over to retrieve his worn boot, “There is only room for one rat in this cage,” he gave the rat a kick to make sure it was dead – it didn’t move. I shouldn’t have asked Zand to come; he would still be alive now. The rat hissed and sprang away, slipping through a crack in the wall. Caulin cursed loudly and leaned against the wall; retracing the events that led to his capture and a friend’s death.
Interesting? Slow moving? Hook?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 19, 2007).]
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
The idea of starting with a hook and then almost immediately going back to the beginning of the story is a cliche. It occasionally works on television, rarely in prose. In any case, editors have advised me to begin at the beginning, tell the story, and then stop when the story is finished, unless there is a really compelling story reason to do otherwise.
Some of what you've written is good, some awkward. I'd cut as follows, and then go on from there with no flashback.
"Caulin stared at the light spilling in under his cell door. Something scurried over his feet -- a large rat. It sniffed around his cave. Caulin removed his boot and took aim. He hurled the boot and the rat squealed. Caulin laughed, “There's only room for one rat in this cage.” He kicked the rat across the floor, then bent to pick it up. The rat hissed and sprang away, slipping through a crack in the wall. Caulin cursed loudly and leaned against the wall."
Why cut? 1) stick with Caulkin's POV, instead of alternating between Caulkin's POV and the rat's POV. 2) Furry is something you feel, not see, but Caulkin is wearing boots. 3) Show the reader what Caulkin is feeling by his actions, rather than telling the reader what Caulkin feels.
Hope this helps.
Rick
Posted by Badger (Member # 3490) on :
My take:
[Quote]Caulin stared at the light spilling in under his cell door; it was the only thing keeping hope alive in his heart. Caulin was startled when something furry scurried over his feet. [This is strongly show, not tell] He watched as a large rat sniffed around his cave looking for food, ignoring him. Caulin [This is the third time this name is used in three sentences]removed his boot and took aim at the disease-carrying beast. [how does he know its carrying disease. Admittedly, I wouldn't want to share a cage with a rat..or even the same postcode. ] He hurled his boot at it and the rat squealed. Caulin laughed as he walked over to retrieve his worn boot, “There is only room for one rat in this cage[.]” [H]e gave the rat a kick to make sure it was dead – it didn’t move. I shouldn’t have asked Zand to come; he would still be alive now. [This doesn't seem to belong here] The rat hissed and sprang away, slipping through a crack in the wall. [Why? It didn't move when he kicked it.] Caulin cursed loudly and leaned against the wall;[,] retracing the events that led to his capture and a friend’s death. # # #
Caulin looked up and let the sun warm his face, because he felt the sun recharged him. [This is a general belief, or is he feeling the sun revitalise him now?] His friend Zand was nervously kicking a rock with his boot, “Don’t worry Zan, [comma splice?] after all what could possibly go wrong?”
I can feel the hook there, but I'm not inclined to bite at the moment. The flashback does feel like a cliche to me, and the whole feel of the piece is a bit cinematic at the start. "He does this. He feels this. He sees this. He does this."
That said, this feels like it has potential once its cleaned up. I find knowing where the story begins a difficult skill, and I know I'm not alone.
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
I'd say that you have a structural problem here, more than anything else. The story should start after the pound signs, at Caiulin looked up. The scene of him in a jail cell killing a rat is of no purpose - it doesn't let us know about his character any more than the rest of the exposition befopre he was captured would.
Of course, if the story is actually about him in prison and the capture sequence really isn't the key part to the story, then nix the flashback and bring those details up slowly and more subtly. Giving the reader all of the information they need up front is one thing - we need to know that he was captured, his friend was killed, and maybe that Caulin feels guilty? Bigger details, but not necessarily a full flashback to essentially say let's take a break from our story currently in progress to relive this key moment from episodes past.
That'll help some. I'll let others pick out any technical issues within (and there are a few).
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Caulin looked up and let the sun warm his face, because he felt the sun recharged him. His friend Zand was nervously kicking a rock with his boot, “Don’t worry Zan, after all what could possibly go wrong?”
“I don’t know – we…I, get killed and for what?” replied Zand, jamming his hands into his pockets.
Caulin stared at the tall, dark-haired man, stunned by his comment, “You know why Zand, the government – this government, their killing us”
“Dissidents, not us,” corrected Zand.
“Dissidents? They kill them, simply because those people are brave enough to resist – to stand up for their rights!” Caulin’s older brother Ethen died in their hands – the
so drop the first blurb and start with this..better now?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 19, 2007).]
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
Yes - now you're telling us one story, not two separate but joined ones. Now that the structure is out of the way...
I see your story is a rebel group against the big government type story. This is a pretty hefty cliche to have hanging around your neck, so I hope there is enough originality in the remainder to really kick it up a level or two. Fighting your way through a cliche is possible, but requires hard work.
Now, for technical issues...
"...this government, their killing us" - you're wanting to use they're killing us - they are killing us. Their is possessive, like that is their ham sandwich.
"Dissidents, not us," corrected Zand is expositional redundancy, a.k.a. countersinking. We can see that Zand is correcting Caulin, we don't need the dialogue tag to tell us this as well. Check out this link and give it a good read - it should be of sume use to you.
Finally, "Caulin’s older brother Ethen died in their hands – the governments secret police" is backstory that you are telling me. Show it to me, rather than have the narrator tell it to me. For example, by rolling it into the previous sentence it is much more natural and reads better. "...brave enough to resist – to stand up for their rights! You-you know what they did to Ethan! And why? Because he stood up and told the truth!" I'm not saying that is the perfect way of doing it, but that's a decent example of showing over telling.
] He hurled his boot at it and the rat squealed. Caulin laughed as he walked over to retrieve his worn boot, “There is only room for one rat in this cage[.]” [H]e gave the rat a kick to make sure it was dead – it didn’t move. I shouldn’t have asked Zand to come; he would still be alive now. [This doesn't seem to belong here] The rat hissed and sprang away, slipping through a crack in the wall. [Why? It didn't move when he kicked it.] Caulin cursed loudly and leaned against the wall;[,] retracing the events that led to his capture and a friend’s death.