). If you want me to read it, reeply here and I'll email you if your email is listed (mine isn't). “That’s not fair, Jacob! Your legs are longer than mine!”
At the sound of Jeff, my younger brother’s childish protests, I placed my pen down and closed my journal. With a smile I pushed open the sliding glass doors and walked out onto the wooden balcony overlooking the backyard. The air had been calm, cool, still instead of the blistering and stuffy heat mid July was know for. However, the unusual weather had not been unwelcome. Folding my arms across my chest, I leaned over the railing and watched.
Hello. I'm new here, but I love getting feedback on my stories and am always looking for new ways to improve. I'm not sure about this beginning, they are (beginnings) always hard for me. What do you guys think? Would anyone be interested in reading the final version? Also as a side note, the first paragraph is supposed to be part of a journal entry.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 18, 2007).]
You had me and then you lost me.
I liked the journal entry. Then I was confused.
My 2 cents:
quote:
When I imagined falling in love, this isn’t what I pictured. As a child, I had always hoped I would date someone I had grown up with. But when he Give me a name walked into my life bit cliche but I can live with it as long as you get away from the cliche this is fititng into ASAP , even though I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved, I couldn't help myself. It's ironic [probably not the right word. You can use this to tell me a lot about her. Is doing something outrageous part of who she is or was this out of character? But that telling is all in the word you use to describe it. that when I finally fell in love, it was with an alien. I'm interested now
“That’s not fair, Jacob! Your legs are longer than mine!”
Who the heck said this? Where are we? A clearer transition is needed - M'b - Jeff, my younger brother, said as he played with my alien lover. Resigned to acting as referee again, I closed my journal.At the sound of Jeff, my younger brother’s childish protests, I placed my pen down and closed my journal.
With a smile I pushed open the sliding glass doors and walked out onto the wooden balcony overlooking the backyard. The air had been calm, cool, still instead of the blistering and stuffy heat mid July was know for. However, the unusual weather had not been unwelcome. Lost me. I don't want to know about the weather. I want to know about the alien. Also she's passive now.Folding my arms across my chest, I leaned over the railing and watched. passive. She stopped writing in her journal to watch these two fight?
“Just because you’re short, Jeffrey doesn’t mean you can’t make a basket.” said the Evil Robot Monkey King.
“But you’re taller!” Jeff hated it when people poked fun at him for being short.
The journal entry was the hook for me but you lost me transitioning into the present. If you are going to jar me into the present, drop me into the action. Have her interact with Jeff and Jacob. Also the two "J" names will drive some people nuts. Unless there is a really good reason to do it, you might want to change one of those names.
quote:
When I imagined falling in love, this isn’t what I pictured. {This says to me that we are about to hear a long, rambling thesis on their love, but it makes more sense knowing that it is a journal entry, but still made me instantly bored.}As a child, I had always hoped I would date someone I had grown up with {kind of awkward; I had hoped that I had grown up with}. But when he walked into my life, even though I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved, I couldn't help myself {why is he so attractive?}. It's ironic that when I finally fell in love, it was with an alien {Confused me. I suppose that it was supposed to, but here I am expecting a sappy romance and now it's SF}.
“That’s not fair, Jacob! Your legs are longer than mine!”At the sound of Jeff, my younger brother’s {a comma here.} childish protests, I placed my pen down and closed my journal. With a smile I pushed open the sliding glass doors and walked out onto the wooden balcony {now a lot of desription? This makes me picture those specific things instead of the scenew as a whole. Maybe just, 'I slid open the door and walked out onto the balcony overlooking the backyard and basketball court'} overlooking the backyard. The air had been calm, cool, still instead of the blistering and stuffy heat mid July was know for {We know what July is like, so don't need, 'is known for'}. However, the unusual weather had not been unwelcome {because she doesn't like the heat? Tell us why}. Folding my arms across my chest, I leaned over the railing and watched {And spoke? was that her in the next line?}.
“Just because you’re short, Jeffrey doesn’t mean you can’t make a basket.”
“But you’re taller!” Jeff {If this is her POV why does she call him Jeff and then Jeffery? Wouldn't she speak the was she thought?} hated it when people poked fun at him for being short.
From the begining I guess that this is where she first meets the alien (and the odd weather) and I also assume that the story is about them falling in love?
I'm not hooked yet (probably wouldn't buy it) but I am interested enough to want to know what happenes next (so I guess I am really hooked ). If you want me to read it, reeply here and I'll email you if your email is listed (mine isn't).
quote:
When I imagined falling in love, this [isn’t<-- This violates the tense, makes it 3rd-person-present.] what I pictured. As a child, I [had<--don't need this "had".] always hoped I would date someone I had grown up with. But[,] when he walked into my life, even though I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved, I couldn't help myself. It's ironic that when I finally fell in love, it was with an alien.[<--Interesting hook. You took the passive way of getting to it, though.]
“That’s not fair, Jacob! Your legs are longer than mine!”[Huh? Who's saying this? Who is Jacob?]At the sound of [Jeff,<--these two need to be switched--> my younger brother’s][And, Jeff needs the apostrophy] childish protests,[Why is he protesting her writing in her journal?] I placed my pen down and closed my journal. With a smile[,] I pushed open the sliding glass doors and walked out onto the wooden balcony overlooking the backyard. The air had been [calm, cool, still<--The first and last words are redundant] instead of the blistering and stuffy heat mid July was know[n] for. However, the unusual weather had not been unwelcome.[<--You murdered the hook by getting passive and getting away from the subject you started with.]
This is the end of your thirteen lines, and this:
quote:
Folding my arms across my chest, I leaned over the railing and watched.[Watched what?]“Just because you’re short, Jeffrey[<--This is the second "J" name and the name needs to be followed by a:[,]] doesn’t mean you can’t make a basket.”[How does this make sense? I wouldn't assume short people could make baskets. Assuming here that you are refering to him playing basketball -- you never really tell us.
“But you’re taller!”[How is this a logical retort?] Jeff hated it when people poked fun at him for being short.
is almost thirteen lines extra. The lines are just by the size of the posting box, and blanks are included..
quote:
...can I change Jeff to Geff instead? Is that going to annoy future reader/reviewers?
I know the first paragraph is free, but the way this is laid out just leads to confusion. Maybe start the second paragraph with something like "Yup, I fell in love with Jacob, an evil robot monkey from the planet apeland. I remember my parents face when he stooped through the front door and crammed his fifteen foot farame into the hallway.."
Ok, thats fairly rubbish, but it doesn;'t grate against what has come before quite so much IMHO 
Why would a little brother complain that his older brother had longer legs. That would be a given, unless they were playing basketball.
Is the younger brother outside or inside. In other words, in the pov character walking toward or away from the character who just spoke to him.
Here's a revised version of my story beginning. Thank you again for everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciated your comments. Please tell me what you think of this new version.
Also, you now have four characters in the story, where before you just had three. That means that the fourth character must play a major role. Does he?