Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Moon Shadow

This is topic Moon Shadow - scifi, first timer in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Verloren (Member # 3916) on :

I've critiqued some stories here before, but never posted my own, so here is one.

Basically, does it grab you? Is it understandable? Do you want to read more?

You can be as harsh as you want - I write for a living, so I have a thick skin as it is

Moon Shadows:

I knew it couldn’t be real, but I kept hearing a voice, out there, outside the perimeter of our camp. It called to me. Beckoned me. Waited for me. “John,” it said. “Come. Hurry.” How did it know my name? I blinked once, then again, squeezing my eyelids tight to try to get them to be sharper, my vision clearer; so I could make out more than just a fleeting shadow as I stared out past the bars on the window.

Then, everyone started yelling again, thrashing in their beds, fighting the restraints. Where’s the damn nurse? She should have been here by now. Maybe the other guys hear the voice too. I don’t know. But it was calling to me. “It’s mine!” I yelled along with the rest.

“Shut up! You’re all crazy!” Hank bellowed above the noise in his

(that's 13 lines of text; I didn't count the extra paragraph spaces)

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

First off, the first image I had when I read the title was the Cat Stevens song "Moon Shadow". I think it is a good idea to choose a title that will not distract the reader or take him in a different direction - just my opinion.
This is not bad, however it left me confused. At first I thought this person was in a POW camp. Then I thought perhaps a prison or mental hospital. The result was that I was left wondering just where he was instead of what was happening to him.

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

I have to agree with nitewriter that trying to figure out where the MC was - distracted me. I think that this line is misleading "I knew it couldn’t be real, but I kept hearing a voice, out there, outside the perimeter of our camp." I am thinking that its an Army Encampment and then later you read, "Then, everyone started yelling again, thrashing in their beds, fighting the restraints. Where’s the damn nurse?". As well I didn't read that there was any other noise - then the voice calling the MC's name? As far as the title, I personally didn't connect it to a Cat Steven's song and if it plays in the story don't change it.

I like the story and as far as a hook is concerned - the voice did it for me (then I got distracted with location).

Hope this helps, I would read on just to find out where the heck he was and what is going to happen next.

[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited June 07, 2007).]

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

I'll second and third the suggestions already made - by camp, I pictures a military establishment of some kind, whether a POW camp, or your narrator on patrol around a forward army base or something. That's an easy clean-up, just rethink the specific words you're using to describe the setting.

There are a few extra words in here that could use some trimming (no need to pull out the Amadeus quotes!) to tighten things up a little. It's funny how a little well placed pruning can lead to a much more coherent paragraph. Let me take a swing at a couple suggestions...

quote:
I knew it couldn’t be real, that voice I kept hearing from beyond the walls of the institution. It called to me, beckoned me. “John,” it said. “Come. Hurry.” How did it know my name? I blinked, then squinted as I looked out the window; I could make out little more than a fleeting shadow as I stared out past the bars.
Suddenly, all the other patients (inmates?) started yelling, thrashing in their beds, fighting the restraints. Where’s the damn nurse? She should have been here by now. Maybe they hear the voice too. I don’t know, but it was calling to me. “It’s mine!” I yelled out.
“Shut up! You’re all crazy!” Hank bellowed above the noise in his...

20 odd words shorter... possibly a little tighter, more clear about what is going on. A lot of these types of changes are personal style, but being economical with your words means you tend to put more emphasis on the words that are left, and are forced to choose only those with the specific meaning you're going for.

This is good. I'll read on for a few pages, see where this is going to.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:
I knew it couldn’t be real, but I kept hearing a voice, out there, outside the perimeter of our camp.[What camp?] It called to me. [Beckoned me.<--This says the same thing as the last sentence.] Waited[How can a voice wait?] for me. “John,” it said. “Come. Hurry.” How did it know my name? I blinked once, then again[<--I'm sure you blinked more than that, but I don't have to know], squeezing my eyelids tight to try to get them[Your eyelids?] to be sharper, my vision clearer; so I could make out more than just a fleeting shadow as I stared out past the bars on the window.
Then, everyone[Everyone who?] started yelling[Why?] again, thrashing in their beds, fighting the restraints[Why are they restrained? Where are they?]. Where’s the damn nurse? She should have been here by now. Maybe the other guys hear the voice too. I don’t know. But it was calling to me. “It’s mine![Why would he yell that?]” I yelled along with the rest[Why?].
“Shut up! You’re all crazy!” Hank bellowed above the noise in his

It's a little confusing.

You do need to clarify where he is. Especially because this is a short story.

Yes, a disembodied voice has the ability to make me read on, however, the disjointed narraration has the ability to stop me in my tracks.

I want to know why "everyone started yelling again", and why they stopped. Yes, I take it this is in an insane asylum, but not everyone is going to deduce that. They shouldn't have to.

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

The pacing is too slow. In a short story, you get one, maybe two chances to clearly state a detail and its relevance to the story, unless it is the main point of the entire story. Even in that case, you cannot waste time making things unclear at one point, in hopes that you will have space to clarify later. Also, the unnecessary details (the part about the blinking) could be eliminated to give you a little extra space to "explain" out your less obvious points, such as the setting and POV.

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

The fact that everyone in the place seems to be affected by this voice, works well in my opinion. This is especially true because it seems to build. First, the voice is introduced along with its affect, and then I see it is affecting everyone. This is better than the voice being introduced and affecting everyone all at once.

My only qualm about the lines is I think it needs a more clear setting. First, I see camp. Then, I see bars on the windows. Finally, I see beds and restraints. From these things, I picture a mental hospital with numerous patients in a large room and bars on the windows. I don't know where camp fits in. I think even a single sentence to clarify the setting would help.

I agree with the others it could be a little tighter. I also noted the blinking and didn't think it was a necessary detail here.

I'm hooked. I would read more, hoping to find a more clear setting in the next paragraph or two. The hook is stronger because it affects everyone, to me. If it only affected the POV character, it would not be so hooked.

Does it grab you?

Yes.

Is it understandable?

Yes, except the parts noted above.

Do you want to read more?

Yes, I would read more.

Posted by Verloren (Member # 3916) on :

I just wanted to thank everyone for the awesome crits. They really helped me. So much so that I used this piece for my submission to Boot Camp - and I just found out that I was accepted!

In case you are interested, here is the rewrite (hopefully it is better than the version above, even though it still needs lots of work) - just the first 13 (if you take out the extra spaces between paragraphs) and not the entire first page I submitted. Hope it clears up some things for you all:

Two of our crew’s MPs dragged me through the entrance of camp Alpha (or the Looney Bin, as my crew called it). We were sent to Phobos, Mars’ closest moon, on a rescue mission. And these jarheads were screwing it up. “I’m not crazy, you idiots!” I wrenched my arm down, reaching for the guy’s blaster, but he was ready and twisted my arm behind my back instead. Sadomasochist.

“Sorry, Captain. Can’t have you getting away.” The bastard grinned down at me. He was enjoying this way too much.

“There’s someone out there. I heard ‘em! We need to go find ‘em, you morons!” Not that logic would work on these dimwits.

Then, they pushed me through the door of C barracks and let me fall to the floor. The room was full of beds, all with attached

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 15, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Much, much clearer. I'd read on. I was a bit disappointed when the last sentence ran out.

Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :

It is better. It is much more engaging.

I would point out (because I'm a single-minded dork) that you actually increased the mystery at the beginning. We don't really know what he heard as we did in the previous version. But it works better this way.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I like this version. The MC has a compelling voice. I want to know what he heard and why the "jarheads" are locking him up.

Are you looking for readers yet?

Congratulations on Boot Camp!!!!

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

I agree... much better. Sharper, clearer, more concise, more active, more characters interacting in interesting ways. Good job all around.

Congrats on Boot Camp.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

That's not mystery, as in purposely withholding information, that's the hook:

How were they screwing up the rescue mission?

Why were they locking him up?

Who is the one man?

That's a decent hook.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 15, 2007).]