Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Out With the Old -- 2500-word Short Story

This is topic Out With the Old -- 2500-word Short Story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Balthasar (Member # 5399) on :

quote:
The time was drawing near, Fred Gribbin thought. Just a few more minutes, and what he had sacrificed everything for would come to pass.
He took a sip of coffee, set the cup down on the bar, then pulled from his pocket the letter he'd read so many times that he had memorized it. He gripped it tightly with both hands. Twenty-two years, he thought. Twenty-two years of brooding and searching, of giving his life's savings over to hackers and mafia types -- to anyone who knew someone who knew someone who knew something. Twenty-two years, to find the kid who had taken his life.
And now, in one hour, he would meet the boy.
The idea hadn't come to him immediately. It was against the law . . .

Anyone interested in reading it?

[This message has been edited by Balthasar (edited May 30, 2007).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Even though it is a very short story, I'll decline.

The reason though is because you are withholding. Fred knows what is "com(ing) to pass" and what he sacrificed for "it" but won't tell me. Call it a NIT or pet peeve or whatever, but you've already lost me.

See:

Just tell me: http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html

Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it's too short. http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html

Posted by Balthasar (Member # 5399) on :

This is easy enough to fix, so I did:

quote:
The time was drawing near, Fred Gribbin thought. Just a few more minutes, and what he had sacrificed everything for would come to pass.
He took a sip of coffee, set the cup down on the bar, then pulled from his pocket the letter he'd read so many times that he had memorized it. He gripped it tightly with both hands. Twenty-two years, he thought. Twenty-two years of brooding and searching, of giving his life's savings over to hackers and mafia types -- to anyone who knew someone who knew someone who knew something. Twenty-two years, to find the kid who had taken his life.
And now, in one hour, he would meet the boy, and he would kill him.
The idea hadn't come to him immediately. It was against the law . . .

[This message has been edited by Balthasar (edited May 30, 2007).]

Posted by Lolo (Member # 5361) on :

I like it. The writing is really clean and clear. I'd read on.

I have a couple of gripes. How could the boy have taken his life when he's clearly still alive? If he killed his wife or family I'd rather know that up front than try to infer it. Or, if this guy's a ghost, I need to know that.

Also, I'm hoping that in the first couple of pages I'm going to find out what's in the letter. Fred may have it memorized, but I've never seen it and I'm curious.

And, after 22 years, the kid isn't a boy anymore. I guess if you're in this character's pov, he might still think of him as a boy...but I think that needs to be more explicit. That's just my opinion, though. Unless there's some time travel going on that we don't know about yet, in which case we should learn about it fast!

And, it's probably a nit, but I don't think you need to mention that it's against the law. I mean, it's murder, right? But, maybe if I could finish the sentence, what you're really trying to say is that he had to work hard to convince himself to break the law.

I'll read the whole thing, if you're not in a hurry. I probably won't be able to get it back to you for a week or 10 days.

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

I liked the way the story flowed and I have to agree with KF, this is a short story and you don't have much time to hide important things until later. I would read a few more lines to see who this "boy" was, because by the sounds of it Fred has a hate on for him..what did he steal? Is a boy still or a man..etc.
Barring the aforementioned issues and or question, this story moved along at a nice clip - almost like a Ludlum story.

If you want, I could read it - but it may be awhile before I get to it.

[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited May 30, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

If you're not in a hurry, I'll give it a read.

Posted by Lolo (Member # 5361) on :

OK, major apology here. Now that I've read the whole thing, pretty much everything I complained about makes perfect sense. Sorry. I'll be more careful what I gripe about in the first 13 from now on. Lesson learned. Especially not to comment on a sentence if you haven't read the whole thing yet.

I haven't finished a full critique yet, but I liked it and just wanted to say you can ignore my previous comments!

Posted by Balthasar (Member # 5399) on :

Lolo -

Thanks for the comment -- thanks for the apology -- and thanks again for reading my story.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

Genre? I don't do horror or heavy suspense, but provided it's some type of sci-fi-ish, I'll read. Usually takes me 3-7 days to finish (slow, I know) so if you need feedback sooner, I'll understand.

Also, I much prefer to put comments directly into documents using MS Word's "Track Changes" feature (comments and/or suggested changes) - let me know if that isn't kosher. You'll probably get a lighter read, but hey - maybe that's all you need.

I don't list my email addy here, so I'll drop you a line so you can contact me.

Posted by Nova1021 (Member # 3242) on :

My comments:

quote:
The time was drawing near, Fred Gribbin thought. Just a few more minutes, and what he had sacrificed everything for would come to pass.(I would get rid of this whole first line. His actions in the second paragraph will show us the same suspense and anticipation you're trying to build here.)
He (Fred Gribbin) took a sip of coffee, set the cup down on the bar, then pulled from his pocket the letter he'd read so many times that he had memorized it. He gripped it tightly with both hands. Twenty-two years, he thought. Twenty-two years of brooding and searching, of giving his life's savings over to hackers and mafia types -- to anyone who knew someone who knew someone who knew something.(<--This sentence doesn't work for me... sorry to be vague, but maybe reword it?) Twenty-two years, to find the kid who had taken his life.
And now, in one hour, he would meet the boy, and he would kill him.
The idea hadn't come to him immediately. It was against the law . . .

I like it overall. It's sort of confusing (he's a ghost or something??), but I get the impression that that's ok for this story... I'll read it if you'd like.

Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :

If you are still looking for readers, I'd read it.

Posted by Balthasar (Member # 5399) on :

Thanks everyone, but I'm no longer looking for readers.

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

How is the story coming along Balthasar?

Posted by Balthasar (Member # 5399) on :

I'm waiting for two or three more responses . . . but more importantly, I'm also letting it sit. I've received some good feedback, but I want to be able to consider it as objectively as possible.

Thanks for asking.