Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A line from "Beasties" to scrutinize

This is topic A line from "Beasties" to scrutinize in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

Darling alert!? In my story Jazz and the Beasties a few people pointed out the metaphor to follow (in context). I like it. I don't think they do. Is it a darling to be killed, or just a flourish of style not suited to everybody? As follows:

"It was bright on the street, out of the enforced dusk of the Statuary, making their talk of Greppors and losing a hundred years in a moment seem surreal. *Like sunshine just gilded what was really midnight at heart.* The afternoon smelled of bakeries, buses, and stewing pavement."

What say?
{P.S. Thanks everybody who critiqued that story! I've gotten a lot of work done today referencing your notes. Any new eyes here who are interested in the New Improved! version are welcome to volunteer...}

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

It took a lot of effort to figure out what you meant, but it could be because I haven't seen the context of the bigger piece.

However, now that I've read it a few times through, I get what you're saying.

Whether it belongs? Only you can tell. It seemed a little overly metaphorical to me. Or, would it be analogical? LOL, I'm almost certain that's not a word, but it's an analogy you're doing.

However, it bears mentioning that I don't read much high fantasy/flowery prose.

Posted by Lolo (Member # 5361) on :

Like KayTi, it took me a few times reading it through to understand what you were saying. Once I got it, I thought it was a beautiful line. But, it took me right out of the story, so that I'd probably have to start reading again at the beginning of the paragraph to get back into it.

So, the question is, is this line worth it? Do you really want to disrupt the flow of your story just for one line?

However, if you just love the metaphor, you could always try to reword it in a way that would make it easier to understand and make it flow a little better.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

Reading/thinking about it again - the two parts of the sentence I was troubled by were:
gilded (this is a rarely used word, it's hard to draw it's meaning right away even knowing that I'm looking at speculative fiction and will encounter words like this...)
at heart.

You're talking about light falling on things that are *supposed* to be dark, right? But in an allegorical way - because the analogy you're making is that the recent talk of greppors now seems like it was temporarily lit by sunlight, when really it's supposed to be dark, dark dark. So - the "at heart" made it harder to understand for me, because that seemed to be internalizing it, personalizing it, too much. Those aren't the right words. The concept of "at heart" is not cerebral. The concept you're trying to get across - light dawning on an idea in MC's head, seems to be.

Am I making any sense?

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

Thanks for your input. The bare fact that I was contradicting myself and in denial about it, and the consolation I gave myself of saving the line for something more appropriate has resigned me to removing it.

I'm glad I asked. I need the push to get to that place. Thanks a lot!

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I struggled to follow the sentence before the simile (it uses "like" or "as", which metaphors don't), but I had no problem with the simile itself. I rather like it. (I also like the steady, rapid decline of "bakeries, buses, and stewing pavement." Nicely done.)

Well, maybe I should say "almost no problem." I expected a "by" or "with" after "gilded" -- "like sunshine just gilded by artisans" or "like sunshine just gilded with platinum", for example. Maybe "Like sunshine had gilded what was really midnight at heart" (already done, I'm seeing the results) or "Like sunshine was gilding what was really midnight at heart" (ongoing process) would be better. YMMV.