It's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote and I can tell I'm rusty. Here's the first thirteen of a SF story about aliens. Tell me what you think
Senator Wu accepted Twing's seed out of courtesy, although she had no intention of conceiving his child. Twing of Sails had thrown this party in his house in her honour, but he wasn't as free with kilojoules as he was with genetic material, and Senator Wu had no intention of funnelling the heat donations of her two crèche mates to bring to the World another man's child. She acidified the pores in her tentacle and waved it in the water, letting the current carry away the dead spores. She smiled at Twing and a wave of blue burst from his centre and radiated towards the thin membranes that rippled on the edge of his disc-shaped body. He didn't look bad, but he was no match for Senator Wu. She was an almost perfect sphere and she knew it. Every waking hour,
Questions: 1. Do you need more description of these aliens? Can you "see" them in your mind. What do they look like? 2. Is the situation too weird? 3. As always, any and all suggestions are welcome.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2007).]
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
Oh yes, I can picture the aliens perfectly - what you are describing very well here are cephalopods - The problem I have with it is that these "aliens" are not aliens - they are pretty common. I think unless there is a real quick explanation for this most readers will be asking the same question - how is it that a common life form is dubbed an "alien"? We need to know this right up front so we can put aside what seems a contradiction.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
My take:
quote: Senator Wu accepted Twing's seed out of courtesy, although she had no intention of conceiving his child. Twing of Sails had thrown this party in his house in her honour, but he wasn't as free with kilojoules[<--This struck me odd when i first read through] as he was with genetic material, and Senator Wu had no intention of funnelling the heat donations of her two crèche[<--This also made me pause mates to bring to the World another man's child.[<--This says man's child. That makes THIS extremely wierd-->] She acidified the pores in her tentacle and waved it in the water, letting the current carry away the dead spores. She smiled at Twing and a wave of blue burst from his centre[This is not a man. At this point I'm confused and my mind starts to drift.] and radiated towards the thin membranes that rippled on the edge of his disc-shaped body. He didn't look bad, but he was no match for Senator Wu. She was an almost perfect sphere and she knew it. Every waking hour, she was careful to rotate every few minutes lest gravity pull on her too long in any one direction and tug her gelatinous figure out of shape.
IMHO - replacing "man's" with "male's" would clear up some confusion.
I read it through a second time, knowing the "alien" element, and wasn't hooked.
Hope this is of some help.
Posted by Lianne (Member # 5491) on :
Senator Wu accepted Twing's seed out of courtesy, although she had no intention of conceiving his child. Twing of Sails (necessary ?) had thrown this party in his house in her honour, (This is a very complex sentence anyway to simplify?) but he wasn't as free with kilojoules as he was with genetic material, and Senator Wu had no intention of funnelling the heat donations of her two crèche mates to bring to the World another man's child (?). She acidified the pores in her tentacle and waved it in the water, letting the current carry away the dead spores. She smiled (how does an alien smile?) at Twing and a wave of blue burst from his centre and radiated towards the thin membranes that rippled on the edge of his disc-shaped body. He didn't look bad, but he was no match for Senator Wu. She was an almost perfect sphere and she knew it. Every waking hour, she was careful to rotate every few minutes lest gravity pull on her too long in any one direction and tug her gelatinous figure out of shape. (nice)
1. hi some of your sentences are a bit complex and difficult to read. 2, good images of aliens 3. Don't think you need to call him "Twing of Sails" makes things to complicated to early and if it isn't necessary why do it? llianne
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
I didn’t read the other comments but I got conflicting images of what the aliens look like. You mention accepting seed which suggested beings that lay eggs. You mention tentacles which suggests water bourn creatures since I cant think of any zoological examples of land animals that have tentacles. You say disk and sphere shape bodys, again leaning towards water bourn creatures. But then you also use the word “Man” and my image of opaque intelligent jelly fish type creatures collapsed… so… hmmm.
Situation is not remotely weird for Sci-Fi.
A hard core Sci-fi fan would jump right in and be comfortable with this alternate reality. However its radically confusing contrast with our own reality might be too sudden for many readers. They may not continue reading. IMHO it’s a little too much too quickly to hook the larger audience. Maybe some conflict that is a little easier for human readers to quickly relate to could make more readers care enough to want to understand the nature of your aliens.
In short, those drugs are for actual patients, not curing writers block, hahahahahaha J/K
Tracy
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
quote:In short, those drugs are for actual patients, not curing writers block, hahahahahaha J/K
Can I quote you on this?
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
Well... ok. But if you make any money with it you have to buy me dinner - which could prove expensive given that you live on the planet Spain and I live on earth. Lets hope the quote is as worthless as it appears to be.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Sarah, I like the other version better. The one that isn't here.
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
Agreed. It feels more, "alien," to me.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 28, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 28, 2007).]
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
Eh. I didn't think there was much difference between the two versions...
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
There is for me.
I could relate to the aliens easier in the other, and had a clearer understanding of what was going on. Most of the differences are minutae, but they added up significantly for me.
Posted by Skribent (Member # 5143) on :
I think the descriptions are fine. However, each sentence is packed full of information, which made the reading a little slow. I thought the first couple of sentences were enough of a hook to keep me reading, so I think slowing down a bit and drawing out the rest of the information would make it go by smoother.
Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :
I thought the first 13 here were just fine. Didn't really have any trouble visualizing the aliens or the minor conflict, or the situation. The name Wu conjures up visuals of Asian origins, but that would not necessarily be bad.
I think sometimes folks critiqueing on the first 13 forget that there are other lines comming after in the real story. If this is the start of a story, I would gladly read on, just as it is. And that is, after all, the whole reason for this.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
Thanks everyone!
COSMOS has agreed to buy this story. I'm really happy. This is my second pro sale. Thank you all for your input.
Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :
I was just about to comment on it, but if it is sold I'll say CONGRATS! instead. Good job!