Hatrack River Writers Workshop: For English, Press 2

This is topic For English, Press 2 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

I finished this story - courtesy of the Hatrack outage (at least in part) First 13 revised with many of the fine suggestions by those who commented on the intro. However, I feel this start is not as "hooky" as the previous submission - I may revise it. Looking for comments as well as those willing to read the story which weighs in at 4180 words. Will send the story out after tweaking it for a few days or so.

Ben Jensen hurried through the crowd at L.A. International Teleport. He went to the departure room and stepped onto a waiting teleporter. A feminine voice said "Para espanol oprima el numero uno. For english press 2." He pressed 2 and inserted his destination card. In an hour he would present a theoretical paper on Gimler waves at the prestigious World Geophysics in Madrid. The anticipation of seeing colleagues he hadn't seen in years surged through him. He straightened his tie and swept back a stray lock of hair. He thought of how he would relax that evening over dinner at a fine restaurant with his wife. This was indeed a fine day he decided.

"Will this be coach or first class Mr. Jensen?" asked the lady in customer service.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I agree, it lacks the hook, now -- unless coach teleportation is ridiculous. You could clean it up a little and have room to set more of the hook:

quote:

Ben Jensen hurried through the crowd at L.A. International Teleport. He went to the departure room and stepped onto a waiting teleporter. A feminine voice said "Para espanol oprima el numero uno. For english press 2." He pressed 2 and inserted his destination card. In an hour he would present a theoretical paper [on Gimler waves<--needed?] at the [needed?-->prestigious] World Geophysics [World Geophysics What?] in Madrid. The anticipation of seeing colleagues he hadn't seen in years surged through him.[<--maybe: Ben anticipated seeing old colleagues, and dinner with his wife in a fine restaurant.] [He straightened his tie and swept back a stray lock of hair. He thought of how he would relax that evening over dinner at a fine restaurant with his wife. This was indeed a fine day he decided.<--needed?]
"Will this be coach or first class Mr. Jensen?" asked the lady in customer service. [Funny, but I'd like to know more.]

Does something go drastically wrong with his trip, or something?

Right now, it doesn't foreshadow any conflict. I don't know why you are telling the story.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Thx for the comments Inarticulate - back to the drawing board. As odd as it sounds there is (at least in this story) coach and first class teleportation.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I can see it. I thought that you were doing this as a humor piece; do I remember it right?

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I'm not really going to add anything to what IB said, but I just wanted to point how funny and poignant the title and its meaning are.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Just to say I agree - there is no hook to make me want to read more - I'm really not into business trips and perfect days.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

IB - yes you have it right, humor piece and that is why I'm going to revise the opening along the lines of the previous submission - which I think was much better. Yes something goes wrong with the teleporting.

Mystic thanks for the take on the opening - which I chose because it seems to put across at least a few points.

No time - actually it is a conference and it's only 13 lines, obviously this is going to be far from a perfect day - or there is no story. But as I have already pointed out, this is exactly why the previous submission was better - it had a good hook which I'm going back to.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 19, 2007).]

Posted by Lolo (Member # 5361) on :

I agree that the first version had a better hook. However, I think this one gives us a little more info on the character--he seems pretty smug--is this the impression you wanted to give? At any rate, I'll read the whole thing, if you're not in too much of a hurry to get it back (it might take me a week or so).

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Thanks for the offer to read; I may get this off to you tonight and if not then tomorrow. Don't worry about it taking some time as I'm tweaking it anyway and don't intend to send it out for possible publication for another ten days at least.

No, didn't mean for him to come off smug - may have to look at that. Thank you!

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

I said it before, will say it again - I love the premise. Please let me read!

I don't post my email addy in my profile here, so if yours is on your profile, I'll drop you a note.