Hatrack River Writers Workshop: End of Innocence

This is topic End of Innocence in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Nemonus (Member # 5474) on :

This is a short story (about 1267 words) which I'd like critiqued for possible submission to magazines.I'd like also to be assured that what I've posted is about the requisite 13 lines. Anybody want to look at the full work?

The palace-analog of the spacer technocracy was hung with red carpets, pricelessly woven with a multitude of hot colors.
I looked at that screen and felt my eyes widen as if taking in the color, imprinting. The matte gray space-station walls dominated all of the other screens. Only one lived.

I focused on one gray hallway and keyed voice projection. “Baron Kothen, you’ll just have to step to the left to be scanned and cleared.”

The camera was perched in a corner, so Bob Kothen, money-baron, had to scowl around to try to find me in the security booth. I didn’t feel like explaining politely to an Earthling, again, justjust how much their TVs let them escape. “You’ve heard of the aliens, yeah?One can liquefy human insides and substitute

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 17, 2007).]

Posted by JasonVaughn (Member # 4358) on :

I'm mostly just confused as to what's going on.

Only one what lived?
How do the TV's let humans escape? What reference does it have to this?

Apart from that I loved the last quote. I wasn't really hooked until then but the "One can liquefy human insides and substitute its own nervous system in about four seconds. They evolved it as an art form" definately got me interested

Posted by Nemonus (Member # 5474) on :

Only one room lived, because it had color in it.
TVs let the Earthlings escape the knowledge of the alien threat.
It's supposed to be a bit confusing in the beginning.

Do you want to see the rest via e-mail? I'm not entirely sure what the protocol for the arrangement of that is yet. Thanks for your comments though.

Posted by JasonVaughn (Member # 4358) on :

Yeah. I'll read it. I can't promise I'll be much help but I'll do my best. My e-mail address is jasonvaughn@hotmail.co.uk. Just send it there. I'll read it as soon as I can.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

LoL - It wasn't until you were explaining it that I undertsood that the Televisions were aliens.

quote:

The palace-analog of the spacer technocracy [The What?] was hung with red carpets, [pricelessly --how can one pricelessly weave?] woven with a multitude of hot colors.
I looked at that screen and felt my eyes widen [Why?] as if taking in the color, imprinting. The matte gray space-station walls dominated all of the other screens. Only one lived.[<--confusing statement.]
I focused on one gray hallway and keyed voice projection. “Baron Kothen, you’ll just have to step to the left to be scanned and cleared.”
The camera was perched in a corner, so Bob Kothen, money-baron, had to scowl around to try to find me in the security booth. I didn’t feel like explaining politely to an Earthling [I'm surprised that the narrarator is an alien], again, justjust[<--typed two justs] how much their TVs let them escape. “You’ve heard of the aliens, yeah?[insert space]One can liquefy human insides and substitute its own nervous system[,] in about four seconds. They evolved it as an art form.” [I agree that this last line is hook-y, but it is too little, too late for me. I stumbled over so much to get to this point, I would be reluctant to read on.]

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 17, 2007).]

Posted by Nemonus (Member # 5474) on :

The Televisions aren't aliens...

" looked at that screen and felt my eyes widen [Why?] as if taking in the color, imprinting. The matte gray space-station walls dominated all of the other screens. " The second sentence should answer your question.

"I didn’t feel like explaining politely to an Earthling " I realize now that this statement is confusing. In this future there are two sorts of humans, those who live on earth and those who live in space. Any suggestions as to how I clarify this? An option is capitalizing "Spacer" in the first line. ( "technocracy" literally means 'rule by technology'. That's what it is.)

Sorry about the typos.

I'll contact you, Jason Vaughn. Thanks.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I was thoroughly confused and could not make sense of anything. I agree with I. Babbler that the hook

quote:
“You’ve heard of the aliens, yeah?One can liquefy human insides and substitute

came too late for me to struggle through more.
I trust that when you responded

quote:
It's supposed to be a bit confusing in the beginning

that that is not really what you meant. I don't mind a little puzzling, but I need some frame of reference, some common knowledge to start from. I know at some point that 2 somethings are speaking, and one of them is maybe an earthling, but I'm not sure who is who, whether we are really somewhere or watching on a monitor or someone is projecting themselves. The setting at this point is totally up to my imagination.

Regarding your question about clarifying spacer, it would be best to refer to the spacer as one to begin with.

At this point I would need to see a revised first thirteen before I would venture beyond that. Please give it another go.
You need to le

[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited May 18, 2007).]

Posted by Nemonus (Member # 5474) on :

There is a fine line between puzzling and confusing, I suppose. I see how the species-wording can be fixed, so I'll get to that.

The last post is cut off--why?

Posted by Lianne (Member # 5491) on :

I found the start very confusing as well. Unfortunatly it made me switch off. Also the grammer was wierd and that didn't help matters. I'm sure it is an interesting idea but you need to convey the idea clearly, with out all the jargon. Make it a little easier to get into. You don't need a whatever it is to make your story interesting you just need an interesting story and a chaaracter or situation people can get into.
Hope this helps
li

Posted by Mauvemuse (Member # 5488) on :

What I liked at first was that it looked like a mix of SF and fantasy with the carpets/ baron/ etc. which I found interesting. But I don't really get the aliens and would probably want to read it most if the setting was a large part of it (and I interpreted it right and didn't just make that up

Posted by Nemonus (Member # 5474) on :

The setting is part of it...it was supposed to feel a bit fantasy-ish, because the old terms have been reused as government changed.

I've been thinking that I'll rehash the beginning, making it more personal (human) and explaining it better. Thanks for getting me to understand what I need there.