First 13 - Funny Flavors (working title that needs work, LOL):
The flavor of the dish got up, shook Amelia by the shoulders, slapped her right and left, gave a final jiggle, then set itself back down into the plate to await her first bite. As she bit into it, the flavor got aggressive again. It danced around on her tongue before streaking down her esophagus toward her stomach. On the way it tickled the cilia this way and that, playing “catch me if you can” the whole way down. Amelia imagined it high-fiving with the cilia.
“Wow!” she said. “That’s some dish.”
Josh laughed. “Yes, food here is a multi-sensory experience. I warned you, though, didn’t I?”
Amelia was still reeling from the close encounter with her food half an hour later.
[This message has been edited by KayTi (edited April 19, 2007).]
quote:
The flavor of the dish got up, shook Amelia by the shoulders, slapped her right and left, gave a final jiggle, then set itself back down into the plate to await her first bite.[This sentence is wayyyyy too long and clunky. Most importantly, I can't picture it. I can picture the actual food being mobile and rambunctious, bit I don't know what FLAVOR looks like. This was difficult to get past.] As she bit into it, the flavor got aggressive again.[This is the same, but I can imagine the flavor changing -- although it smacks of Harry Potter's every-flavor-beans.] It danced around on her tongue before streaking down her esophagus toward her stomach. On the way it tickled the cilia this way and that, playing “catch me if you can” the whole way down. Amelia imagined it high-fiving with the cilia.“Wow!” she said. “That’s some dish.”
Josh laughed. “Yes, food here is a multi-sensory experience. I warned you, though, didn’t I?”
Amelia was still reeling from the close encounter with her food half an hour later.
My only problems with that were mentioned. It sounds a bit like a cartoon, or Willy Wonka.
This idea is a little umm... abstract. You would have to create a whole reality around the concept that a subjective perception could be a tangible substance or in this case, at least on some level, a conscious entity. Don’t get me wrong, its been done. Look at, (if you highlight the page with your mouse its easier to read)
http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/originals/originals_archive/rowe/rowe1.html
Your 13 aren’t badly written; it just raises so many questions. Does the flavor continue to play all the way through her body or does it die an excruciating death in her stomach acids? Is she hallucinating aspects of existence? That would make more sense to me I think.
It’s such an abstract idea I wouldn’t know where to tell you to go with it, you would be the only one to answer that question. If you don’t know, well - Houston we have a problem.
Tracy
I agree that it's strange that she tastes it prior to eating it.
I thought 'shook her by the shoulders' was out of place as everything else deals with the digestive tract. Perhaps 'shook her cheeks'?
As she bit into it, the flavor got aggressive again...
Couldn't help seeing potetial her for more personification. (bit back?)
This part seemed out of order:
It danced around on her tongue before streaking down her esophagus toward her stomach. On the way it tickled the cilia ...
What if you change the first line to "...before high fiving the cilia as it tickled her esophagus on its way toward the stomach."
...food here is a multi-sensory experience
To me your description seemed like strong flavors, not new sensory experiences. If you want to push the envelope, try giving it a sound or associating flavors with colors. There is a lot of crazy stuff that happens with synesthesia in real life that would work well in sci-fi. If you get the chance, check out 'A Mango Shaped Space'. (A young adult novel).
I think the food idea could work, but it seems more like garnish than the whole plot line.
I want to know more about Josh and about the setting. I thought it was odd that you went back to the food after mentioning Josh. Why does he cook for her? Are other people there? Where is she from? Is there anything strange about Josh, or just the food? For some reason I pictured a middle eastern setting, probably from the strong flavors, but I'd like to have a glimpse of a hint of an idea of the setting.
(Sorry if this isn't the standard post response; this is my 2nd attempt!) Thanks for sharing your story, KayTi!
I'll check out the book you mention, sounds right up my alley. My sisters are always teasing me when I mention that a little salt "brightens" the taste of pesto, and that mango tastes green. How does a food taste green? Not quite sure, but it does! LOLMeanwhile, here's what I had been tinkering with as far as plot goes:
- The thing causing the crazy behavior in the flavor (which is over-drawn at the beginning, on purpose, cartoon-ish) is a sentient species (the spicelings) only found on this planet, colonized by humans. They are a perfect symbiotic life form for humans - they eat viruses, bacteria, etc. that would normally make us very sick, and pass through the digestive tract intact (maybe), moving through the wastestream to further existence. Without humans, they lack means of transport, though, so we're critical to moving them around.
So that's the backstory I've worked up. Humans move the things around by harvesting them, shipping them around, eating them, excreting them or derivatives, etc. I've got some ideas about evolution within a single lifespan that I might tinker with here - like maybe the spicelings morph after human digestion and are now a derivative being, something else, but still useful to and dependent on humans.
As for plot - the main ideas I have are along a murder-mystery line. I guess I feel like they aren't particularly interesting, I was hoping to go another direction. But then again, as posters have pointed out, with an abstract and absurd concept, I might need to stick with a more standard plotline. Something like a human dies, spicelings are blamed, normally they would have kept the human from dying, humans assume spicelings are waging war, except for one clear-headed researcher who's in a race against time to prevent xenocide. Another angle is some diabolical researcher has tinkered with the spicelings to create assassins. Course, I can see ways these two lines might converge...
So - given this ideastream, do I have a chance of coughing up a story? Thank you to everyone, your feedback is greatly appreciated!
I think it would make more sense that way, because all of that happens before she actually takes a bite of whatever it is.
You might also consider a symbiosis that's changing... perhaps the humans here have grown dependent on them and that gives them power to manipulate... perhaps a new disease threatens that turns the microbes evil or kill them off entirely... perhaps some people are immune or 'allergic' to the microbes and therefore have to save the world... perhaps the microbes were created by someone to exploit or attack from within. Consider giving the microbes personalities. Do people talk to them? Keep them as pets?
Lots of interesting possibilities here. Hope this helps!
I'd read more.