Tom spotted the girl on a windy October day, standing on the opposite platform in the subway. The station smelled like shit--it always did--but at least today there was music. It was a nonsense tune, faint and far away, but Tom was grateful for it. He made a mental note to give some cash to the next street musician he saw.
The girl extended her arms and her trench fluttered. At the time, it didn't seem strange that, although they were underground, there could be a breeze, and one that only seemed to affect this girl. She closed her eyes, balanced on the balls of her feet and lifted up into the air.
Oh, an angel, thought Tom stupidly. Would she date him? He jumped into the tracks, planning to walk up to her and ask her
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 17, 2007).]
A couple nits: "Oh, an angel, thought Tom stupidly." Look, if I saw someone levitate I might think the same thing - it seems that this being an extraordinary thing to see why the "stupidly" since ANY conclusion he could come to about it is as likely to be as valid as any other.
Also - "...jumped into the tracks" This is not the same as saying "he jumped on to the tracks" - which is what I think you meant.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 17, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 17, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 17, 2007).]
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At the time, it didn't seem strange that, although they were underground, there could be a breeze, and one that only seemed to affect this girl.
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This sentence seems to mess up your flow. Just losing the extra commas (At the time it didn't seem strange that there could be a breeze underground - one that only affected this girl) might make it flow better.
I'm assuming "trench" is slang for something (trench coat? And if it is, wouldn't a trench coat be too heavy to "flutter?"), but I can't find anything to verify that.
I'd like to read it. Go ahead and send it my way.
Tom spotted the girl on a windy [if they're in the subway, not sure if you need 'windy' which would also connect better with the breeze bit later] October day, standing on the opposite platform in the subway. The station smelled like shit--it always did--but at least today there was music. It was a nonsense tune, faint and far away, but Tom was grateful for it. He made a mental note to give some cash to the next street musician he saw. [I think you need to seperate this into two sentaces. Perhaps try something like: 'As usual, the station smelled like shit. To make the experience slightly more bearable, today music played...' Or however you'd want to say it]
The girl extended her arms and her trench fluttered. At the time,[Start at: It didn't...] it didn't seem strange that, although they were underground, there could be a breeze, and one that only seemed to affect this girl. She closed her eyes, balanced on the balls of her feet and lifted up into the air.
Oh, an angel, thought Tom stupidly. Would she date him? He jumped into the tracks, planning to walk up to her and ask her out. The driver tried to brake, but there is such a thing as mass.
I will read the rest if you want to send it my way.
quote:
Tom spotted the girl on a windy October day, standing on the opposite platform in the subway[Was the wind coming down the steps from the street?]. The station smelled like shit--it always did [If it always did, wouldn't Tom have become accustomed to it?]--but at least today there was music. It was a nonsense tune, faint and far away, but Tom was grateful for it. He made a mental note to give some cash to the next street musician he saw.
The girl extended her arms and her trench [Trenchcoat?] fluttered. At the time, it didn't seem strange that, although they were underground, there could be a breeze,[If you mention this here, how about skipping the "windy October day"?] and one that only seemed to affect this girl. She closed her eyes, balanced on the balls of her feet and lifted up into the air.
Oh, an angel, thought Tom stupidly [Is stupidly the right word? Tom mistook her for an angel?]. Would she date him? He jumped into the tracks, planning to walk up to her and ask her out. [The driver tried to brake, but there is such a thing as mass. This sentece is odd.]
I thought Sirens sang?
He had a sudden and inexplicably potent desire for her. She was singing to him, telling him to come to her. He leapt down into the track...
Excellent idea!
I'll read.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 17, 2007).]
I'd like to read the rest, if you still need readers.
Now you've got my brain going...
Did you see my question for you Sara, under general discussion. It has your name in the title.
BTW I would be happy to read all 900 words if you like
Leave out the part of a "windy October day"; it is an unnecessary point, and actually detracts from the strangeness that there could be a breeze, and one that only seemed to affect this girl." I was not surprised at all that her trench was fluttering because you already told me it was windy - you had to work harder to remind me the wind shouldn't be in the subway.
I am curious about the music. If the music is coming from the "siren", you wiped out the suggestion by saying:
quote:This may be a case of trying to be too clever. Leave that out - mentioning the "faint & far away" music without it is better.
He made a mental note to give some cash to the next street musician he saw.
I would be interested in reading the rest if you want to send it to me.
Another question.
I got the sirens=drugs idea from a RoF story I read and loved. This one is quite different, and from what I know about copyright, you can't copyright vague concepts, but I still feel a bit guilty for borrowing that theme. I have the feeling this theme has been used before, but I can't remember when. How do you guys feel about this? If I could find more stories with that use of Siren's song, I'd feel like I'm working inside a genre instead of ripping off from another story.
The fact that it was a windy day wasn’t a problem for me and I suspect that the statement is supposed to partially explain why he wasn’t consciously surprised that her trench was blowing around. However, the two thoughts are too far apart to properly be connected by the reader. I only made the connection the second time through.
I actually like the fact that you just say “trench.” It sort of makes me comfortable with the author, like we’re friends and the author knows I’m not the type of reader that needs every little detail to understand.
I felt slightly tricked when you used the term “at the time” and four seconds later you killed him. The term really implies that he will not be dying any time soon.
“At the time it didn’t seem significant, but later when he was trying to scoop up his lower intestines off the track without spilling the contents he realized he probably should have been more observant.” Haha
Umm… I think “into” the tracks, is the correct word since typically there are at least four of them and I think if people do cross tracks they step between them and not on them because they are higher, shiny, narrow, slippery, hard things that would be easy to fall off of. So for me “into” best describes the moment as I would picture it in my mind.
Love your imagination Sara. How do you concentrate on real life – and in a hospital at that? Lol
Tracy
Thanks Traci. How do I concentrate? Well, I'm actually pretty good at it, it helps that illnesses have personalities and that they talk to me... just kidding.