Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Magician's Revenge

This is topic The Magician's Revenge in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by scottdk10 (Member # 5229) on :

This is the first short story that I have ever written. I am not completely finished with it, but I would like to know how you guys like/dislike the beginning. Here it goes...

“We have two rules here,” said the guard as he put Pierre Henry in the cell, “shut up, and don’t try to escape.”
Try to escape? Like Pierre Henry, the greatest magician in all of France, had to try to escape from prison. He simply would. But there would be time for that later. For now, Pierre was concerned about one thing – how to extract revenge on Jean Paul Marat. Marat, one of the leaders of the Committee on Public Safety, had contracted a vicious skin disease after attending one of Pierre’s shows. Not knowing whom to blame, Marat sentenced Pierre Henry to be executed by Guillotine. With this swift action, he turned Pierre’s life into a living hell.
“Yes,” thought Pierre Henry, “I will kill Jean-Paul Marat.”
Now shutting up, that would be the hard part.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Okay, IMHO:

There needs to be a comma between said the guard and as he put.

Is it Pierre or Henry (or Pete, or The Great Pierre) that your MC likes to think of himself as? It's redundant to overuse Pierre Henry.

Try to escape? - sounds like he's thinking. And I think you can eliminate the following Pierre Henry, altogether.

Not knowing who[m] to blame, Marat had Pierre sentenced(sounds cleaner) to death(...by guillotine) is unnecessary.

With this swift action, is unnecessary.

But, I like the attitude. It seems a little reminiscent of both The Prestige and The Illusionist.

Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :

I like your idea and plot, but it doesn't pull me, and this is the reason I feel why.

You have conflict, Pierre is in jail, and not only that, but sentenced to the guillotine. These are all good story points that would make most readers read on, but it's the way your writing it. Your telling us everything that is happening, and not showing. Let us feel that Pierre would be able to escape this place through his actions, let the reader put things like that together. Right now I feel like I'm on the outside, observing your world, and not apart of it. I want to feel, see, and hear what's going on.

This is just my opinion though, and I do feel your idea is good.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

First of all, I like your idea, and would want to continue reading it to find out what happens.

The paragraph that starts "Try to escape?" is difficult for me; there is too much information in it, as though you decided to cram all the action before this point into this one paragraph. I can almost hear the voice change to "Previously, on Magician's Revenge...". You can still get the gist of the plot without telling everything. For example, I don't need to know immediately what Marat's position is; the fact that he sentenced Pierre to the guillotine tells me Marat is powerful, and You can fill in his position later.

Also, rather than using an omniscient narrator, how about giving us the basics of this paragraph as though Pierre is thinking all of it. You may have intended that to begin with; at first I thought I was reading Pierre's thoughts - and attitude - in that paragraph, then realized it wasn't Pierre because of the 3rd person references. Try writing the paragraph as "I!".

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

How will he be able to exact his revenge without escaping jail first? Seems like that really would be his first priority. That's my only problem -- that and a bit too much too soon regarding the conflict info dump.

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

It's true, it seems like escape should be a greater priority in his mind instead, since, it must chronologically happen forst (I assume.)

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

>“We have two rules here,” said the guard as he put Pierre Henry in the cell, “shut up, and don’t try to escape.”

>Try to escape? Like Pierre Henry, the greatest magician in all of France, had to try to escape from prison.
Like -> As if
try -> try

The next sentence is where you lose me. Pierre just got put into a cell, and he's an escape artist. He should at least be noticing his surroundings; or noting anything about the guard that would help him escape later. Instead we go into summary.

I think the revenge summary should come soon, but we need something in the moment too.

Alternatively you could *start* with the summary:

quote:
It wasn't Pierre Henry's fault that Jean-Paul Marat, one of the leaders of the Committee on Public Safety, got sick right after one of Pierre's magic shows. But Pierre got the blame anyway, and was sentenced to the guillotine.
Pierre wasn't worried. Keep *him* in a cell -- one of the world's greatest escape artists? For now, Pierre was concerned about one thing – how to extract revenge on Jean Paul Marat.
The guard locked him in. "We only have two rules here..."

However, it would work better for me if Pierre were worried. Tension's what it's all about, baby!

Posted by scottdk10 (Member # 5229) on :

Thanks to everyone for the help. Since this is my first time writing on a forum, I thnk I got into the trap of including too much info in the first 13 to make sure everyone knew what was going on.