----

I woke up from a rather pleasant dream of happier times, times that I’d only read or heard of from the older men, to the sound of alarms blaring and Lieutenant Cromwell’s voice blaring over the PA system shouting “All troops to battle stations!” over and over. I cursed my bad luck and everything else that came to mind and rolled out of my bunk and dressed myself. Being one of the Psi Corps representatives with the 145th Spaceborne battalion, I had to be present in all contacts with hostile forces; unfortunately, that meant being out in the vacuum piloting my Javelin – the one and only in the fleet and my personal pride and joy. Finally suited up, I stepped through the field that concealed my quarters and almost walked over my omnipresent Marine escort.

---

...bugger... The entirity of what I was wanting to post won't fit...it'd fall under Ms. Woodbury's axe. (forgive my trying to slip in 6 more lines...they're sort of critical to finish getting the much needed "hook" in my opinion)

Well...interest anybody?

[This message has been edited by starsin (edited March 19, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 20, 2007).]
 

"Being one of the Psi Corps representatives with the 145th Spaceborne battalion, I had to be present in all contacts with hostile forces; unfortunately, that meant being out in the vacuum piloting my Javelin – the one and only in the fleet and my personal pride and joy."

As an example of what I said above, this all sounds routine to me, even if it is contact with hostile forces. "Hostile forces" seems like a great chance to tell us about the enemy and about how this character feels towards them.

Some might say it's a bit cliché to begin a story with a character waking to something new or startling, from what I've seen of other cliché threads. Personally, I didn't think that in this case. I mean, he or she has to be somewhere doing something when the alarm sounds. However, the pleasant dreams didn't really add much to the story, in my opinion. It might be better to say he awoke and run with it.

One thing that strikes me about sleeping is that it's a good opportunity to tell us something about the character. Is he lazy? Then have him sleeping when he should be working. Is he fastidious? Maybe he's polishing his shoes when they don't need it. Do people fear him for being in the Psi Corps? Maybe he's trying to talk to someone who is avoiding looking him in the eye.

I say this because in my own work I've been trying to examine how small things and actions can be opportunities to show character traits and details--especially in the opening.

"I cursed my bad luck and everything else that came to mind and rolled out of my bunk and dressed myself."

This might flow better with some punctuation--
"I cursed my bad luck and everything else that came to mind, rolled out of my bunk and dressed myself."

In addition, I think it could be tighter. "And everything else that came to mind..." really seemed like extra baggage to me. Also, "Dressed myself" seemed a little redundant. Who else would he be dressing when battle stations were called?

You might look for similar chances to tighten the whole thing up a bit.

Sadly, I don't feel hooked or interested at this point, but I feel I could if it were touched up a bit. I think it has potential.

I hope this helps
 

Even though it clearly doesn't matter to the story, it matters to MC, so we should know what he was dreaming about (or else not discuss it at all), I think.

>to the sound of alarms blaring and Lieutenant Cromwell’s voice blaring over the PA system shouting “All troops to battle stations!” over and over.
[PARAGRAPH]
I cursed my bad luck ...

What's a Javelin -- rather, what makes it unique?

Why do Psi Corps members need to be present -- and won't Walter Koenig object? (That is, Psi Corps is too clearly reminiscent of Babylon 5 -- you should pick another name).

Big thing: I'm not truly hooked (mildly hooked) because MC isn't struggling. There's a hint of it with the wish for times of peace, but he's annoyed. Annoyance is no biggie, and I think it works better for humor. How about making him scared? He is facing battle (I think).

Something about the first 13 and hooks: really, you need each line to be hook-y enough to make you want to read the next. What's your hook? You can refer to it in line 1, you know, as in,

The battle in which the Menbari threw Kosh out the airlock, I woke...

If you want to start with waking up. It's no crime, but it may not add much.
 

Why would a member of the Psi Corps almost trip over someone? Doesn't he know he's there? It's like when a psychic phone line goes into bankruptcy. Didn't they see it coming? "I see a bounced check in your future, or maybe it's mine."

There seems to be a conflict of emotion. He seems bitter, like him going out to fly in a combat situation is beneath him, but he's happy about being able to fly in his Javelin.

Psi Corps *cough* Babylon 5. Call it something else.

If you cut the fat from your first 13, you can fit much more in. I'd lose the dream, lose Lieutenant Cromwell (just have him wake to the sound of sirens. He can curse, but don't curse bad luck and everything else. Just curse, damn it. He doesn't have to dress himself, he just needs to dress. Or get ready. I don't care that he's with the 145th Spaceborne battalion, but I do care that a psi cop has to be there for all contacts with hostile forces. That matters. But I don't care that he flies a long stick (Javelin), or that its the only one in the fleet. Yet. I'll care later, but not yet. And, I don't care that he tripped over his escort. Or almost did.

So, let him wake to sirens. Let me know why he doesn't seem to care that they're under attack. Let me know why he's bitter/arrogant. Let me know he's a psi cop (but call it something else), and let me know WHY he has to be out there. Have there been problems in the past? Is it merely a tactical advantage?

Anyway, if you cut out the fat and focus, you'll probably get to your hook.

Matt
 

For clarification, the Javelin is a fighter craft - the future equivalent of whatever crazy fighter planes that our government has in secret that nobody really knows about except the creators and the pilots. It's in essence, a smart craft. The only thing it can't do is fly itself, but it makes up for that in that it has a micro nanite factory inside it that literally gives it infinite ammunition...so long as there's materials that can be "pirated" for said usage.

Perhaps for clarity's sake I should make mention that due to his being representative of said Corps, he is on call often and is usually exhausted. That's why he's cursing his bad luck...he's barely had time to get a bit of a cat-nap when all hell decides to break loose. I'd hoped that that was kinda in the contextual clues, but I guess it wasn't.

Later on in a dialogue with one of his fellow Psionics he explains why he’s annoyed.

So…taking in what I’ve learned...here’s an attempted rewrite:

I woke from my brief nap to the sounds of alarms blaring and booted feet running past to battle stations. I muttered a curse under my breath as I rolled out of my bunk and suited up. Being the senior-most Psionic Corps representative I had to be present for all engagements, no matter how minor. So pretty much what that meant was that every time somebody decided to get a little jumpy and sound the alarms, I had to make myself present; either on the flagship's bridge, or engaged in combat. Due to this inconvience, every chance for a little sleep was dearly treasured, for I got little enough as it was being on an active front.
Finally suited up, I stepped though the field concealing my quarters and almost walked over my omnipresent Marine escort.

Any improvement?

[This message has been edited by starsin (edited March 20, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by starsin (edited March 20, 2007).]
 

Mindcorps
Psi-Branch or P-Branch.
N.P.A. (National Psionics Agency)
Scryforce
 

As to your new 13 lines:

It's not bad until you get to "So pretty much what that means..." That's an info dump. And not a good one. Everything after that point takes me from the action. You get the reader excited with the alarms, then you say, "Wait, your new to my story, so there's some things you don't get. Why don't I take a few minutes to explain." You can't do that, not right now, anyway. Once your MC gets to the bridge he can complain to the captain about waking him for nothing. I still want to know what's going on now. Alarms woke him from his sleep. Good. Boots are thundering down the hall. Great, now you're getting my heartbeat up. He muttered a curse under his breath. Damn, now we're losing momentum. I'd rather have a bit of dialog. Use a fake curse word if you can't curse. Or just say hell, most people won't get offended at that. Then you mention he's a psi cop. Now I'm intrigued, but I'm not hooked yet. And then you tell me he has to be present for all engagements, and I start to slide downhill. So, come up with a better name for psionic corps (still don't like it) and focus more on that. He's a telepath in the army (I assume he's on a spaceship). That's interesting. Why does the army use telepath. Can you tell me in an engaging way why we need telepaths in the army? Something like, "Last time the Alliance made first contact without a telepath, it was a disaster. Now I have to get out of bed every time the sensors pick up a blip. But no one ever accused the army of recruiting form the deep end of the gene pool."

My version might not be much better, but maybe it tells you what I'm wanting to see. The thing is, your story probably gets much more interesting past the 13 lines, its the writing that needs working on. Give it another try and we'll see what happens.

Matt
 

The general consensus is that from

quote:

---

So pretty much what the meant was...

---

Sound good? will work on tonight and make updated post when done.
 

I humbly submit my take:

Sleep was a treasured rarity, so when I woke to alarms blaring and booted feet running to battle stations, I muttered a curse. I rolled out of my bunk and suited up. I was the senior PCO--Psionic Corps Officer-- and had to be present for all engagements.

Probably someone got jumpy, I thought, and hit the panic button. Or, they just like to see me run.

I stepped though camofield concealing my quarters walked over to my Marine escort. "Is it real this time?"

My answer was an explosion that rocked the entire flagship.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 21, 2007).]