It was in 1944, the beginning of autumn. It was a year when the persimmon leaves turned a reddish-purple and the yellow and green kabocha were plentiful and swollen, awaiting harvest. The fragrant, indigo nights had become so cold that my mother put an extra quilt on the bed that I shared with my two sisters, Dae and Bo-Bae.
That morning on the road to school, the fir trees seem to reach out their dark, protective limbs. The fog like soft cotton, floated under my feet. The ground, uneven, tried to fool me into falling. But, I had to be strong; I carried my sister, Bo-Bae on my back.
We entered our classroom and bowed three times to the portrait of Hirohita. We studied the history and language of a country

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 16, 2007).]
 

The first part – It was in 1944, the beginning of autumn. It was a year when the persimmon leaves turned a reddish-purple – worked fine. A bit lyrical, but the kabocha bit didn’t. Partly, I think, because I have no familiarity with a kabocha whereas I do know vaguely what a persimmon is. Maybe you could drop the kabocha entirely and talk about the persimmons being swollen and ripe for harvest (are they in autumn?).

It was in 1944, the beginning of autumn. It was a year when the persimmon leaves turned a reddish-purple, swollen and awaiting harvest. The fragrant, indigo nights had become so cold that my mother put an extra quilt on my bed.

But, here is where I want something more substantial storywise. Now if you want to keep the fog and the fir trees, start there. I’m seeing it as if you’re making two attempts to start. First with the persimmon and quilts and secondly with the for and fog.

Does that make any sense? I don’t feel a real segue between the “persimmon and quilts” and the “fir and fog.” And, because of that, it isn’t working. That, and the fact I don’t “feel” details preparing me for the story. Unfortunately, I suspect that the details about the sisters on the way to school probably are more lead-in to the story that the more lyrical persimmon and quilts which is a shame. I’m far more interested in a story that begins with ripening persimmons and cold autumn nights with extra quilts than the more mundane going to school.

Anyway, this is just my thoughts on the matter.

 

quote:

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In 1944, the year the evil robot monkeys took over Japan...

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[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 16, 2007).]
 

Please -- don't tell Clarissa! She's paranoid enough as it is!

http://evilrbtmonkey.blogspot.com/