Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Traveler -

This is topic The Traveler - in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

Approx 1500 words. 100% complete first, very rough, draft. Looking for readers. Scifi

Wrote this the other night while I was at work.
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I saw an old man, walking up the sun baked road. The small puffs of dust escaping from underneath his steps, left a wake of his approach. He looked weathered, like he has seen more than I will ever know. As he approached, I could see that he was favoring his right hip more than he should. I started out the road, to see if I could help him. As I approached, he just stopped. His pants were soaked in blood, which I mistook for dirt. His eyes were steel gray. The life in him seemed to have been replaced with sorrow, yet hope sparked deep in those steal gray wells.

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Not sure why or how the rest to the 13 lines didnt get posted

[This message has been edited by Alye (edited March 15, 2007).]

Posted by Verloren (Member # 3916) on :

First of all, this is only about 6 lines. 7 more would be very helpful in giving you more specific and (hopefully) helpful feedback.

Second, I don't really have anything yet that makes me care about reading further. I know it's hot and there's an old guy with a limp walking around. Not too terribly interesting at this point. There's no hook here for me. I hope it is in the next 7 lines, because then I might be inclined to read more. If it isn't, then I'd stop reading and move on to something else.

Third, the flow or something doesn't feel right to me. I kept reading the same piece over and over again (the small puffs part) because it was worded in a way that didn't make much sense to me. I already know it is sun-baked, so you don't have to give more detail here. On the other hand, you could leave out the sun-baked part and just tell me about the dust so I get it myself (that would be my preference, but you know this piece better than I do).

Fourth, I wonder if it is valuable to give us this rough, short piece. Wouldn't it be more valuable to work through the entire piece (especially such a short one) at least once, then go back and edit, then post (you say it's 100% complete, but this short excerpt doesn't seem to jive with that)? I guess I'm not sure whether you are just looking for info about whether this is a good topic, or whether you are a good writer, or whether this is a good intro?

Hope my ramblings help

-V

[This message has been edited by Verloren (edited March 15, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I can see the blood on the old man's pants as the hook, but I'm not real excited by then. There are some structural problems, as well:

You've got an unnecessary comma in each of your first sentences.

The I started out the road... sentence is screwy.

His pants couldn't be soaked in blood, if the MC mistook the blood for dirt; they would have to be dry.

looked and seemed sentences need revised.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 15, 2007).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

One easy way to get your hook in is to tell us in the first line. "The day I saw the man who brought the evil robot monkeys to earth..."

Not the only way, of course.

Once we have a hook, we can tell what parts of this text are relevant. What's the story about?

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

As was already mentioned, you can lose the 'sun-baked' or the 'puffs of dust' because using both is repetitive. I think that 'steps' would be better as 'feet.' I'd suggest putting an 'and' between 'steps and 'left' and drop the comma, but you don't have to. Also, I'm not sure 'wake' (a water word) is really the right word in describing a sun-baked dust trail. Maybe you can find a better word?

You say that he looks weathered, which means to me that he's been outside in the weather a lot and that the weather has left a mark on him. Yet you correlate his weathered appearance with seeing things. Did you mean that he looked haggard?

As was already pointed out, I'm not sure how wet blood (implied by the word 'soaked') could be mistaken for dirt.

quote:
His eyes were steel gray. The life in him seemed to have been replaced with sorrow, yet hope sparked deep in those steal gray wells.

You can drop the 'His eyes were steel gray" and say "...deep in his steel-gray eyes" instead. Otherwise the eye color description is repetitive. I assume you meant to use 'steel' instead of 'steal' in "...those steal gray wells."

Sorry, but I'm not hooked. You haven't given me a reason to care what happens next to the MC nor do I know why I should care about what happened to this man. The whole scene seems to happen at an emotion distance and in a vacuum. I'm not even sure where the MC and man are. (They're on a dirt road, yes, but in farmland or what?)

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

When you polish it further, I'll look at it.