I have 99% of the first draft written. I just keep banging up against a wall on the ending. I could use a fresh pair of eyes on this. It just under 2000 words right now.
The first 13.
Laraleth walked amongst the trees of the Evergrove. She is The Grove Tender. She harvests the souls that hang like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees and recycles them with the divine detachment that the Oath demands. She stopped at the Keegan bloodline’s tree and pressed her hand against its smooth trunk, stretching out her senses, caressing each small golden fruit, gleaning mortal emotion as she went. She passed over hundreds of souls in search for the first that was ripe for reclamation. She wrapped her senses around it.She felt the death swelling in the old woman’s chest. She dove deeper, peering out from behind the mortal’s eyes. The old woman was surrounded by family. Laraleth basked in the love aimed at the soul she wore like a mask. After a few millennia, despite her Oath, she had grown fond of the emotions of Man.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
I'll check it out.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
My strongest reaction, one that blinds my ability to focus on other details, is that almost every line starts the same way -- "She."
Posted by trailmix (Member # 4440) on :
Hmmm. I hadnt noticed that.
I went back and checked the rest of the story. It is only like that in the first paragraph.
Is that an issue?
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited March 08, 2007).]
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
I'm no expert on style, but if you were to tweak things like "As a Grove Tender, she harvests..." to get away from each sentence starting with the same pronoun. I see the point.
I think the trick is, if you try to adjust the wording, to avoid slipping into passive voice. It'd be easy to say "Passing over hundreds of souls in search..." and "Wrapping her senses around it..."
Perhaps even just a re-statement of her name? Maybe a second paragraph? Just some ideas. I like the concept. Seems a great beginning!
Karen
Posted by Ruskin (Member # 5128) on :
My inner grammar nut screamed in protest at the sudden change of tense. I have a hard time reading grammatically stylized work, but if you'd like me to check out your story and try to help you with your ending (and comment on the rest of the story) without making criticism on the grammar, I'd be glad to give it a shot.
Posted by trailmix (Member # 4440) on :
Laraleth walked amongst the trees of the Evergrove. As Grove Tender, she harvests the souls that hang like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees and recycles them with the divine detachment that the Oath demands. She stopped at the Keegan bloodline’s tree and pressed her hand against its smooth trunk, stretching out her senses, caressing each small golden fruit, gleaning mortal emotion as she went. Laraleth passed over hundreds of souls in search of the first that was ripe for reclamation. She wrapped her senses around it and felt the death swelling in the old woman’s chest. She dove deeper, peering out from behind the mortal’s eyes. The old woman was surrounded by family. Laraleth basked in the love aimed at the soul she wore like a mask. After a few millennia, despite her Oath, she had grown fond of the emotions of Man.
Better?
Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :
Hi Scott, This version is clearer and much tighter. It will help what comes next in the story seem natural. I'm still in if you need a reader.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
You still have that sudden and unneeded tense change in the second line. Switch it all to past tense and then start a new paragraph with the third line as a signal that the third line is not a continuance of the explanation of her job.
I'll read the whole thing for you.
Posted by trailmix (Member # 4440) on :
Laraleth walked amongst the trees of the Evergrove. She was The Grove Tender. She harvested the souls that hung like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees and recycled them with the divine detachment that the Oath demanded.
She stopped at the Keegan bloodline’s tree and pressed her hand against its smooth trunk, stretching out her senses, caressing each small golden fruit, gleaning mortal emotion as she went. She passed over hundreds of souls in search for the first that was ripe for reclamation. She wrapped her senses around it.
She felt the death swelling in the old woman’s chest. She dove deeper, peering out from behind the mortal’s eyes. The old woman was surrounded by family. Laraleth basked in the love aimed at the soul she wore like a mask. After a few millennia, despite her Oath, she had grown fond of the emotions of Man.
I think I have the end figured out. Not 100% on it. Trying to finish it up right now actually.