[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 08, 2007).]
 

As for Apples, the further explanation happens when they get to the loading bay/dock, which is about a fifth of the way into the story. Is that too late?

If you were curious (I know that part of the point of comments here is to have my story address these questions, which I am definitely working on), I'm playing with the idea that I've seen in things like Firefly/Serenity that fresh foods are rare treats in space, which grokked for me perfectly the first time I saw it. Of course! Hydroponics will get you some decent fresh soy and herbs, but not things like apples and bananas. I'm a big fan of figuring out the mundane in space/on the moon/off planet. What do people wear, how do they get to work, what are their jobs, what tools do they use to do their work, what do they do for fun, etc.

Thanks again for the comments, this is really wonderful!

Karen
 

[This message has been edited by Ruskin (edited March 08, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Ruskin (edited March 08, 2007).]
 

quote:

---

“Hey sis, let’s go out” Julia said, flopping down lightly on the bottom bunk of the room they shared.

“Where?” asked Ali as she quickly slid her notebook into a desk drawer.

“Lunar bay 27C. Jack says a freighter drone’s due in tonight. His cousin Greg is on shift and can get us in. He said there are…” Julia paused dramatically, eyebrows raised “…Apples! And if we bring some credits we can buy a few.”

“Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said suspiciously. “You’re not just saying that to get me to come with, are you?”

“No, I swear! Jack is positive! If I were telling you something to get you to come with, I’d mention that Kofi is supposed to be coming.” Julia winked, looked away playfully and started humming.

---

I like that these girls are excited about apples (yes, it did kind of remind me of Firefly and how excited Kali[spelling?] was to get a strawberry). I get that they're young by the dialogue. Only thing, I thought there were too many adverbs(highlighted in bold). It would be a stronger passage if you used a more appropriate verb rather than a verb and adverb. For example, instead of saying 'Jill walked slowly down the street', you could say 'Jill sauntered' or 'Jill strolled'.
 

I really appreciate all the input, thank you so much,
Karen
 

I felt a bit taxed having to keep track of five named characters in the first 13 lines. This makes me realize I did exactly the same thing in one of my projects.
 

Do you want only comments on the first 13?

Do you want readers for the whole thing?

Is the story complete?

What's the word length?
 

Word count is at 3500 right now and in about 24 hrs I will be looking URGENTLY for readers for what I expect to be about 5000 words. I am toying with the idea of submitting to a contest with an early April deadline.

Any additional feedback on this retooled 13 appreciated, and please let me know if you'd have time for the 5k story. Thanks!
Karen

Sidenote: Arriki, thanks for the idea to do "from Earth" and switch around that opening sentence, flopping then talking. Each of those helped solve problems I had in the back of my mind that I couldn't quite articulte.
===
Julia flopped down lightly on the bottom bunk. “Hey sis, let’s go out.”

“Where?” asked Ali, as she finished tying off the bottom of her long braid.

“Bay 27C. Jack says a freighter drone from Earthside’s due in tonight. His cousin is on shift and can get us in. He said there are…” Julia paused for dramatic effect, eyebrows raised, “…Apples! And if we bring some credits we can buy a few.”

“Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said, eyes narrowed. “You’re not just saying that to get me to come, are you?”

“No, I swear, Jack is positive. If I were telling you something to get you to come, I’d mention that Kofi is supposed to be there.” Julia winked...

I think you should start with the third line. With a little rearranging...

“Jack says a freighter drone from Earthside’s due in Bay 27C,tonight," said Julia.

Ali perked up, dropping the braid she'd been toying with.

"His cousin is on shift. He said there are…” Julia paused for dramatic effect, eyebrows raised, “…Apples! And if we bring some credits, he can arrange to get us a few...ahead of the rush.”

Hope this is not too intrusive.

 

I'm going to give this one a whirl, and trying to wrap up the story tonight. Not particularly satisfied with my plot ideas for story closure, not sure that *enough* has happened in the story, but I'm running with it for now. I'm finding some ideas just pop in while I'm in the midst of writing a passage, going with the flow is serving me well enough so far. I'm still looking for readers...

"Hey sis, let's go out," Julia said. She had just come in and jumped on the bottom bunk of their bunk bed.

"Where?" Ali quickly slid her notebook into a drawer.

That seems a little better to me.

quote:

---

“Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said suspiciously. “You’re not just saying that to get me to come with, are you?”

---

I can tell that Ali is suspicious from the context. When she says "You're not just saying that to get me to come with, are you?" I get that she's suspicious.

And in the last part, I know Julia is being playful when she winks. Don't over explain.

You've got four exclamation points in 13 lines. I'd use one. If you use them too much, it'll look silly. If you really spoke like that, exclaiming everything, it will get annoying:

Hey sis! Let's go out! Oh my gosh! Apples! And some cute guy! Like, for sure!

So, I'd pick the place you want to have the dramatic moment, probably the first time Ali says "apples", and put it there. Julia shouldn't exclaim it. If apples are so rare, Ali will be shocked that they'll be there.

I agree with the comment on Lunar bay 27C. Not even an adult would say something like that in casual conversation. Just say its in the cargo bay. People naturally abbreviate things. Look at all the abbreviations we use in the forum: MC, POV, WIP, etc.

As for Lunar bay 27C setting the scene, I completely read over it. I knew we're on the moon because your title is "Apples on the Moon." Maybe a character should say that. When Julia first mentions there are apples here, Ali can respond, "Apples on the moon!"-and use your exclamation there.

I disagree with InarticulateBlabber on this point:

quote:

---

Are apples like some rare treat for kids or will there be fighting in the docking bays, like the Christmas Toy Wars at Wal-Mart during the holiday season? Are they more rare than say steak? Coffee?

---

And I can tell from the context that the girls are young and immature (you mention a boy will be at the dock). I don't need to know specific ages yet, I can tell they're around 13-16, and that's good enough for now.

I agree with you that any sort of fresh fruit will be rare in an environment like the moon. My guess is that they mostly eat dehydrated soy, vitamins, and calorie drinks. Or something like that. It would be easy to prepare and ship, and you wouldn't have to worry about it going bad any time soon.

If you want a crit on the whole thing, send it to me, I'll take a look at it.

By the way, you're new here, so I know that a lot of the minor grammatical things are new to you. The best way to learn what you're doing wrong is to crit other people's stories. It hard to detach yourself from your own work. It's hard to spot your own errors. If you crit someone else's work, you'll see flaws that you yourself have.

Matt
 

Tracy
 

Meanwhile, Matt - are there more grammatical issues beyond what you pointed out, or were you just saying that these minor things are easier to find in my own work w/more experience critiquing? I have already reworked the first 13 again and am much happier w/where they are. Only 2 exclamations left, both after the word Apples! (the sister mirrors the statement the first makes.) I'm crit'ing anything that comes up on these forums and noticing plenty that I need to continue working on. I just want to be sure I haven't missed any other obvious grammar bits, holler if so.

I'm also reading voraciously a bunch of craft books now (how to write sci-fi, self editing for fiction writers, characters and viewpoint, and a few other sci-fi specific books.) I have to-dos a mile long w/my other work in progress stories. This is the fun part, right? LOL

I'm not that maniacal.

Really.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 22, 2007).]
 

Meanwhile, I'm behind. I've finished reading OSC How to Write Sci Fi, and I realize my story is halfway between a milieu story and a character one. I am going to retool it to be a character story, as that's what I intended to do when I set out. Now I know what needs to be fixed. I'll be taking everyone up on their reading offers soon. Many thanks,
Karen
 

I liked it though, I would keep reading!

 

LOL.

Matt, I never questioned the fact that apples were rare; I was questioning how rare they were. It could change the flow of the story. Coffee and Steak would have to be shipped to the moon, too.

Are they normally given (NASA brand) food-pack rations? Are they starting to terraform the moon? Or: Are apples shipped every Year? Month? Week?
 

A good point about the rarity, which I have now worked into the story so that it's clear to the reader that apples are a pretty rare treat. It's been months since the last shipment, is how I set it up. I am imagining some type of hybrid between hyrdroponics/tech-aided indoor farming on the moon (e.g., the characters make jokes about yummy soy paste,) some type of MRE/dehydrated foods, and occasional shipments of other foods. I'm basing this all loosely on the way island economies operate - they have to be as self-sufficient as possible, particularly because bad things can happen to supply ships, yet at the same time - once islands connect and become part of the world economy, they start to develop dependencies on certain supplies like gasoline or whatever.

I have to say as much as I love OSC's books, I was finding some of the Xenocide and Children of the Mind premise hard to accept - I mean, what the heck do they eat? Descolada's running rampant, they're cut off from the rest of the universe...it bugged me, not sure why.

Meanwhile, my story is giving me an opportunity to tease out a lot of ideas about near future that I've had for a while. Fun fun fun. Now if I could only get my written notes to magically appear in my word doc...hmm, there's an idea.

I think the whole idea is pretty cool. It should be a lot of fun, especially considering the PoV. What I wouldn't have given to be on the moon when I was ten ot fifteen...

Honestly, I had a couple of problems with Xenocide and Children of the Mind, too. But, in the end, I liked the stories. God Emperor of Dune was like that for me, too. It was the one slow Dune book for me. But, when I reached the end - and when I reached the end of the series, to date - it was completely necessary, and I appreaciated it.

I live on the Maine coast. We have islanders' ancesters that rode across the ocean on ice (by covered wagon, or horse drawn sled) and were stranded when it melted.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 26, 2007).]
 

Not looking for input on the 13 (wouldn't kick it out of bed, though), just need readers/critiquers of the short story. The story is hovering around 6100 words (hope to trim.) I need crits by/before Friday. Any takers? I'd be eternally grateful and would critique any story of your choice (even one of those murder and mayhem ones! LOL) later in the weekend, up to similar word length. Shop now, this deal won't last! Get them while they're hot!

OK, OK, trying to be funny when feeling just a wee bit desperate. My Wise Readers have given me some lovely ego boosting and a few specific suggestions, but I *know* the story isn't that flawless. In fact, I have a feeling where the problems are, but can't quite figure out how to fix them, sigh. The Wise Readers need some more training...

Thanks!
KayTi