Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Super Nova (Complete rewrite)

This is topic Super Nova (Complete rewrite) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

Trying to apply things I've learned here.

New approach below.

[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited March 14, 2007).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

OK, some style issues, but I follow it. I'm neither hooked nor not hooked. I think some more internal-dialog attitude will help. OK, I must be at least a little hooked, because I want to know what CM is warning about. (So maybe you should start with opening-the-eyes-and-realizing-there's-trouble.)

One thing I had a hard time learning: even if something is irrelevant to the story itself, if it makes the reader curious OR if it interests the POV character, we need to know what it is. In this case, the dream.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 08, 2007).]

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

Forgot to mention, about 5500 words, sci-fi.

Posted by Ruskin (Member # 5128) on :

I agree with wbriggs. If the POV thinks the dream is important, I think the dream is a little too important to shrug off. And it opens a lot of great doors for you. Dreams can be used to foretell future events in an abstract way, to paint a visually splendid picture, to do any number of things.

As with anything sci-fi, if there's some kind of technology, I want to know the basics ASAP - maybe not in the first thirteen, but soon. The CM and the detached analysis of a dream are psychological hurdles that you should jump as soon as you can. My opinion on all science fiction is, if the technology does not serve the story, it's just taking up space telling us what we already know: that the story is science fiction. Light sabers and space fighters served the story in Star Wars, Geordi's visor and Data in Star Trek both served the story, by helping the engineer to see, and by providing a deep character who happened to be an android. OSC does this excellently (possibly the reason why I'm hooked on his sci fi): things like the gravity generators and the ansible serve the story time and time again. Anything else confuses the reader or viewer, and does nothing but tell us what we already know.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

Conscious mind is pestering you because it's probably past six, maybe even past 7? But then your body clock knows it's not past 7? I'm having a little trouble with your conscious mind and body clock not being on the same page about this. However, I'm sure there's more to the story where it will be more evident why CM has its own character. I didn't care for the abbreviation, but that's partly because I do a lot of work with an organization that abbreviates everything and, consequently, no one knows what anyone else is talking about. LOL

I am not a fan of the "vacuum" simile. Probably because if you were actually in a vacuum, your blood would boil and you'd disintegrate. Not much time for pondering how quiet it is. How about some other simile? Maybe something to indicate where you are..."too quiet for the D deck on a star cruiser, that's for sure."

I would keep reading, but if my conscious mind and my body didn't start getting along I might find myself frustrated.

Karen

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

Getting too clever for my own boots. I'm just trying to convey that as the MC awakens sunday morning its really quiet (cos everyone's gone). You know that part of your mind that begins to rouse you and worry you that maybe you have over-slept but then you can just feel you didnt and then you remember its sunday anyway.... blah blah blah it didnt work. LOL. Instead of clever its just distracting and confusing. Back to the drawing board.

Thank you everybody

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

You should have started it that way:

Suggestion:

Have I overslept? Am I late?
No.
It's Sunday.
I resisted the urge to open my eyes.
Something's wrong. It's too quiet.
When I could take it no longer, I willed my eyes open. To my astonishment, everyone was gone. Everyone. I didn't hear the familiar arguing of the neighbor kids. The El train wasn't rumbling overhead. No horns blared. There was not even the solitary bark of the neighborhood stray dog.

The dream was distracting from the essence, IMHO.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 11, 2007).]

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

Ah, I see what you're saying. If you don't need this Conscious Mind dude much past the beginning, then perhaps you can do it as IB suggests (or is it Babbler for short? Give me something less lenghty for my poor fingers to type.

Make it more of a set of things the MC says to himself trying to figure out if he's still asleep or if he's awake. Ideas like "shaking off the blanket of sleep..." or "I run a quick system check, hmm, that's odd - it can't be past 7 AM and it's too darn quiet."

I'm out of good ideas for the night, but if you don't need that conscious mind dude, then kiss him sayonara with your heartfelt thanks.

Good luck!
Karen

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Babbler will do. The Babbler is even better, though. It makes me sound like one of Batman's arch enemies.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 11, 2007).]

Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :

hey, did I hear my name.... oh never mind.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

LOL - BruceWayne1.

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

A more factual approach. I am worried this sounds more like one of those old detective stories. But here you go another attempt. No clever writing, just straight into the story.
A new first 13 for Super Nova.

I awake around 8:20am on Sunday morning to absolute silence. I don’t pay much attention to the silence at first but as I lay recalling what obligations the day holds I become suspicious from the cool quiet that Melanie is not laying next to me.
I open my eyes to see if my senses have deceived me. She’s gone, just an indent in the pillow where she had been perhaps minutes before. Curious, the covers are up. I would expect to see them flipped back. She wouldn’t normally make the bed until we’re both up.
The vacuous silence envelops the room. Was she going somewhere today, did I forget? It is Sunday right? Yes! I mouth becoming slightly annoyed at myself.
I sit up listening intently through the open bedroom door – not a sound.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

It's much better.

Do, you intend on using present tense?

Also, some grammatical problems, such as:

quote:

It is Sunday[,] right? Yes! I mouth[,] becoming [slightly <--needed?] annoyed at myself.

..but, overall, it hooked me.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 13, 2007).]

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

Some commas missing in the "I don't pay much attention" sentence. You might be able to break that into two or more sentences. Just a style point, but also in that sentence (partly due to where the words appear on my screen) I found the "I lay recalling" and "Melanie is not laying..." phrases tricky so close together. Maybe because in the same sentence you're using the same verb with two different actors? Again, cutting into more than one sentence may fix that right up.

I like the "becoming slightly annoyed with myself." That gives me a great flavor for this guy.

Good luck with this piece!
Karen

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I missed the original post, but I'm assuming you're looking for readers since you posted the word count?

If so, I'll look at it.

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

Thank you for all the comments, they helped a lot. Thank you Sara and djvdakota for looking at the whole story. If anybody else that would care to read over the complete story it would be greatly appreciated. Its 6100 words, so not the shortest of short stories but not so bad.

Thanks again

Tracy

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Got it, will get back to you ASAP

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Nice story. I enjoyed it and it seemed a lot shorter than 6000 words.
I like the issues you’re raising and you’ve done a good job at drawing a believable MC. Even the “humanoids” seem unique.

Things were solved too easily. Have the “robots”? argue before giving in. An extra logical argument would be enough to make the resolution believable.

I’m concerned that the “my life is only an experiment” story has been done too often. Only you can be the judge of that though, but it’s something you’ll come up against when you submit this otherwise neat story.

Good job

Nits:
You’re probably aware that “waking up in the morning” is one of the most common beginnings in history. Nick Mamatas, editor of Clarksworld, says he gets five of these a day. I understand that waking up in this story does serve a purpose, but maybe you can have the man coming back from a trip in the wilderness? Yes, it’s stupid to have to substitute a good beginning just because everyone does the same thing, but maybe you have to.

Punctuation is a big issue here. There are too many comas and too few full stops.

Repetition. The fact that he can’t hear anything is repeated too many times in the intro section.
The MC’s thoughts are also kind of circular (which is understandable, but tell the reader that he’s going back to the same stuff, don’t repeat)
You also have the same words twice in the same paragraph. I usually don’t fret about a moderate amount of word repetition, but here it’s quite a lot. A thesaurus should help with the synonyms.
"Its" for "it's"

quote:

Russ here is quite annoyed with me, you’re eating sweets

???

quote:
I didn’t become president of a computer tech company because I’m an idiot.

If this is relevant, tell me earlier. If it isn’t, cut it.

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

Thank you so much Sara. Its hard to get people to read complete stories and I do appreciate it. I will meditate on all you have said.

Tracy

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

Dakota read my story and sent me this feedback and I'm posting it so that everyone can benifit. Thank you for reading Dakota and I appreciate your POV. I'll weigh carefully all you said.

Dear Tracy,

Thanks for letting me read Super Nova. An interesting read. It reminded me of a fascinating film I saw more than twenty years ago. It was called "The Quiet Earth." Great film.

Anyway, to your story, I liked the main idea of it, the basic storyline, but I have to say it left me a little perplexed.

First of all, I'm not a huge fan of 1st person present tense. It's VERY hard to do well, I've read VERY few books or stories that did it successfully, and I question your choice of it for this story. It definitely didn't work for me. First person present tense lends itself to a sense of immediacy, and the language ought to be adjusted to match. Your language feels very overdone for that sense of immediacy. Not that the language is awful. It just doesn't fit the parameters of what first person present tense accomplishes.

Basically, your main character, who is also your narrator, tells us TOO much, stripping the feeling of urgency and immediacy from the story. You tend not to give huge info-dumps, but you DO tend to over-describe almost every detail. I felt a little overwhelmed reading, feeling as if I'd rather get on with the story than know what kind of rock he sat on as he looked over the town, or a detailed physical description of Russ.

Second, I found believability an issue. And I think that is mainly the case because I yearned for greater development of the main character. I didn't really believe his reactions or his actions because I didn't understand him well enough to be able to follow his thinking. I didn't understand, for example, why he never seemed to be overly worried. Why didn't he ever panic? I think I would have. He seems to take it all a great deal too coolly. Why?

I also wasn't taken by the resolution. Believability, again. How is it that an advanced civilization who 'wrote the program' could get accidentally caught in a Super Nova explosion, leaving no 'backup' for the program? It's like all the adults leaving the kids unsupervised, and then they're surprised when the house gets burned down. How is it that all these people who are familiar with 'the program' can't fix the problem, but your MC, who only learned about it all an hour or so ago can figure it out in five minutes?

I don't know if you've read OSC's Character and Viewpoint. If not, you should. It's really an excellent book on writing. (He also has a great book called "Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy," which I would suggest as well.) But in C&V, OSC talks about the three questions that every reader subconsciously thinks about as he/she reads, and that writers must answer in order to satisfy him. They are:
Huh? ("I don't understand.")
So what? ("I don't care.")
Oh, yeah? ("I don't believe it.")

I found myself asking all three of these questions throughout the story, without them being satisfactorily answered.

Your writing definitely has a distinct style.

Keep at it. Keep studying the craft. Write on!

Dakota