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The smells are what I remember most, rising out of the smoke, pungent and ripe. Sweat, vomit, and singed flesh. The death of our people's past, the awakening to a new world.
We emerged from gray billows pouring out of thatched roofs, into the Pale Man's arms. My brother's face stained black and my mother's hair damp with blood from where she'd been struck by the butt of a fire stick.
Screams encircled us and the heat of rushing flames. All around us things swirled. Children ran from their captors only to be cast down into the ash-soaked mud. Warriors struggled to find wives. So many familiar faces, once smiling, now twisted in pain and torment.
I searched for Crouching Lion in the crowd. Would he have cast aside his flesh? Would he have Shifted and run into the trees?
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited February 24, 2007).]
I might begin with the second paragraph, maybe even merging it with the third. And I want to know what actually is happening here. I don't have the setting either. I don't know if it is in the time of the pilgrims and indians, or during the time of the Amistaad, over in Africa.
NIT: "Would he have cast aside his flesh? Would he have Shifted and run into the trees?"
IMHO : I would think if he cast aside his flesh, the asnwer would be visible. Maybe: "Has he Shifted? Did he bolt into the forest?"
My warped sense of humor thinks: "It would hurt for him to run into the trees."
quote:
The smells are what I remember most, rising out of the smoke, pungent and ripe. Sweat, vomit, and singed flesh. The death of our people's past, the awakening to a new world.
This first paragraph is written like everything is done and the POV is looking back on things. The next paragraph is very much in the present. On my first reading of this, I thought the POV was thinking of a previous attack like the one currently experienced. I think you meant to describe (from a viewpoint later in time) the current attack. Why not just start with them emerging and work in their seeing, smelling, etc, all the things described in this first paragraph?
quote:
We emerged from gray billows pouring out of thatched roofs, into the Pale Man's arms. My brother's face stained black and my mother's hair damp with blood from where she'd been struck by the butt of a fire stick.
Okay, you have your POV literally emerging into the air above the house from a 'gray billow' [and I'm not certain what that is]. Do you mean "We emerged from our house through gray billows of smoke that poured from our thatched roof" or something like that? You mention emerging into the Pale Man's arms, then do not mention him anymore. I question why you even mention him if he plays no immediate role here. Or did emerging into the Pale Man's arms caused the brother's face to stain black and the mother's hair to 'damp' with blood? I assume not. Adding a 'was' ("My brother's face was stained black and my mother's hair was damp with blood...") would make this clearer.
quote:
Screams encircled us and the heat of rushing flames. All around us things swirled. Children ran from their captors only to be cast down into the ash-soaked mud.
I believe you mean "Screams and the heat of rushing flames encircled us." The next sentence either needs a comma or rearranging. (Example: "Things swirled all around us.") WHAT things swirled around them? Smoke? Bats? People fighting? Be more specific or delete the sentence. It tells us nothing right now.
The word 'soaked' implies something soggy or wet. Ash is dry and can't soak anything. Perhaps you mean "ash-covered mud"?
This beginning sounds exciting enough, but you'd need to clean up your sentence structures before I could be sure I was imagining what you wanted me to see.
I get the impression that that the narrator is the "Ash" mentioned in the title, that the events occurred when the narrator was very young, and that the narrator is telling the tale from a vantage point many years later. I wonder whether the name "Ash" came from this experience when s/he emerges from the ashes of the destruction of the village. Destruction of the old world by fire, and the awakening of a new world conjures the image of the phoenix.
I was a bit confused by the juxtaposition of two simultaneous Points-of-View (the narrator at the time of the event and the narrator today). Some of the images, like the brother's face stained black are believable from the POV of a child. Others, such as the death of our people's past, and the warriors struggling to find wives, seem more to be interpretations of the more mature narrator.
I agree with previous commenters that the sentence structure needs work. You like to describe imagery in sentence fragments (you have four in this clip). While I have seen this used effectively, it generally turns me off.
I personally like the idea of opening with smell memories, but didn't find the execution compelling. I may be wrong, but it seems to me where there is heavy billowing smoke, the smoke smell drowns out any other smell. I found it odd that the narrator remembers the smell of sweat and vomit, but not the smell of the smoke.
Finally, I was confused about the sequence of events. The kid seems to be captured by Pale Man, but immediately after starts looking through the crowd for his friend.
This project sounds ambitious. Good luck with it.
[This message has been edited by mayhews (edited February 24, 2007).]
Let's see...
Pale Man is the "Pale Man". The white guys, ya know. It refers to an anglo/saxon type race. Obviously a little confusing without refernce.
I like the idea of starting with the third paragraph. I'll have to mull that over.
quote:Not nessesarily in all the chaos...he's a shapeshifter.
I would think if he cast aside his flesh, the asnwer would be visible.
The narrator is a sixteen-year-old female.
So, I let's try this:
The first time the Pale Man entered our village he came with trinkets of copper and gray metal. The second, with hands of anger and sticks that made loud fire.
The sounds are what I remember most, rising out of the smoke, shrieks of pain and keens of sorrow. Hellish and terrifying. The death of our people's past, the awakening to a new world.
We emerged from the gray billows that poured out of thatched roofs and filled the village, into the Pale Man's arms. My brother's face stained black and my mother's hair damp with blood from where she'd been struck by the butt of a fire stick.
Screams and the heat of rushing flames encircled us. All around chaos swirled. Children ran from their captors only to be cast down into the ash-shrouded mud. Warriors struggled to find
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited February 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 28, 2007).]
quote:Yup, that's it.
I wonder whether the name "Ash" came from this experience when s/he emerges from the ashes of the destruction of the village.
A+
"The first time the Pale Man entered our village he came with trinkets of copper and gray metal. The second, with hands of anger and sticks that made loud fire."
Either "Pale Man" should not be capitalized (which would be my suggestion) or you need to change it to Pale Men or you need to make it clearer that this title refers to anyone with white skin. Read the above quote carefully, and you'll realize that it sounds like a singular person named Pale Man.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited February 25, 2007).]
quote:
I don't know how one man could do all that to a village, especially chase all those people down at once.
He's very talented. Okay obviously the vote's in and that needs to be plural.
Thanks again guys... I'll try again in a bit...