Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Start of latest short story

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Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :

I've just about finished the first draft of my latest short story, now I'm starting to look at improvements. So here's the beginning I've got at the moment. I would welcome any suggestions/comments as I've found previous comments on this site really usefull.

Bastion opened the door and entered the rooms of his sister Katja. He could hear her chanting to herself and realised she must be on the balcony. He walked across the large living room his bare feet sinking silently into the thick carpet and pulled aside the curtains. Katja stood with her back towards him, facing out over the sea. She was oblivious to him, concentrating on her magic. Her chanting was now clearly recognizable as the reciting of a spell. Bastion stood quietly still and waited impatiently for her to notice him. He had important news that she would want to know straight away, but he knew better than to disturb her. He had learned the hard way many years ago. He fingered the scar that ran down the left side of his face. It didn't hurt, hadn't hurt for years, but he

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

It's better to know the significance of what we're reading, as we read it, so we can care.

So I want to know why she's chanting when he hears it, and especially, I want to know why he's visiting as soon as he goes in.

The violence he's known in the past makes a good hook.

Nit: "Bastion" is a funny spelling, since it's like the name Bastian, but it means "rampart."

Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :

Bastion opened the door and entered the rooms of his sister Katja, he had important news that she would want to know straight away. He could hear her chanting the words to a spell and realised she must be practising her magic on the balcony. He walked across the large living room his bare feet sinking silently into the thick carpet and pulled aside the curtains. Katja stood with her back towards him, facing out over the sea. She was oblivious to him, concentrating on her magic. He stood still and waited impatiently for her to notice him. He wanted to tell her about the announcement, but he knew better than to disturb her.
He had learned the hard way many years ago. He fingered the scar that ran down the left side of his face. It didn't hurt,

any better? I picked the name Bastion, because he's the person who everyone depends on in the community. Does Bastian carry the same meaning?

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I rarely name a character something like "Main" or "Manly Strongman" or "Inspector Curious" -- it just seems funny (amusing). I suggest Bastian. That way it's a real name, and it doesn't seem silly, but subconsciously the "bastion-ness" of him is still there.

quote:
Bastion opened the door and entered the rooms of his sister Katja, [COMMA SPLICE] he had important news that she would want to know straight away. [WHAT'S THE NEWS?]

You might try this order. We find out the answer to each q as it arises.

quote:
Bastion opened the door and entered the rooms of his sister Katja. He knew better than to disturb her -- he had learned the hard way many years ago, when she'd given him that nasty scar on his face -- but he also knew that he had to. The evil robot monkeys had seized their mother, and if he didn't tell her pronto, she'd give him a wedgie.
He could hear her chanting the words to a spell and realised she must be practising her magic on the balcony...

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

This opening was OK for me. It painted a good picture, but nothing in it made me extremely interested either... (not necessarily a bad thing).

There were a few places that could use a clean up.
his bare feet sinking silently into the thick carpet ==> do you need to say silently? can't picture it any other way

Bastion stood quietly still and waited impatiently ==> show it and cut the advs

Lastly, I usually don't notice this much but the sentence structure is very repetitive and could use some variation:

Bastion opened
He could hear
He walked
Katja stood
She was
Bastion stood
He had
He had
He fingered

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I'm not really hooked. I feel like I need more from the character here. Feelings, smells, sights, that sort of thing. How does he feel about his sister? What does he feel when he hears the chanting? What does he smell when he openes the door. What does he see? The way an MC reacts to his/her environment tells me a lot about them.

Hope this helps...

Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :

Thank you everybody, all very helpfull.

I'd noticed that 'quietly' wasn't needed and cut it for second version but missed 'silently'.

I do find myelf starting a lot of saentences with 'he'. Can anyone give me any suggestions of how to break that habit? Feel free to rewrite my beginning to show me how I could have avoided using it so often. It would really help as I do it a lot at the moment. Thanks again for the comments,

p.s. thanks for showing me what you meant with the opening wbriggs, I'm almost tempted to keep the evil robot monkeys and change my story to include them lol.

Posted by SharonID (Member # 5059) on :

This is just my opinion. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Overall, it sounds like the beginning of what could be an interesting story, though I think there are ways you could give it more grab, but it's definitely got a lot of potential to get to some interesting places. I think it could have even more of a hook than it already has though, with some tightening and tweaking and rearranging.

IMO, "the rooms of his sister Katja" is kind of cumbersome, unless you're trying to set a rather ponderous tone for the piece for overall effect for some reason of plot or period. How about something simpler like 'opened the door to his sister Katja's rooms'? You really don't need to spend words on his entering the room, either, because the readers will get that from his crossing the carpet after opening the door. Also, you might want to just save the news part for a few sentences later, when it comes in anyway. You want to make a mind-picture for your readers as soon as you can, and none of this contributes too much to that, so you might want to move on more quickly to something that does.

Also, later on in your lines, "stood still and waited impatiently" is an odd contradiction of 'show don't tell', as you are basically showing something that is usually a sign of patience, and then you have to tell us he's impatient. Instead, you might consider giving him a small inconspicuous mannerism that wouldn't disturb Katya but would show his tension. A tic in his jaw, a finger tapping on his trousers, a hand clenching and unclenching... something like that that actually shows his impatience.

As for getting rid of some of the 'he's, I'm going to take a stab at it, since you've invited examples and it's a type of challenge I have had to cope with in my professional writing on a regular basis. It can happen all too easily when you are doing a story or scene that only has two characters. So I'll give you one alternative way it could play. It's sort of off the cuff and late-night on a 'day' when I didn't get a nap, so there are probably things wrong with it, too, but it does have 'he' less often, and I think in some ways it's at least a little more dynamic. I used Bastion's name a couple of times, but I think it's good to come back around to the name every so often. Even when you just have two characters of opposite gender in a scene (same-gender scenes can get REALLY complicated when it comes to pronouns!), so the reader will presumably know who is who, it gets to feeling kind of impersonal if you don't toss the name in instead of a pronoun once in awhile.

I'm also going to take the liberty of adding another sense to the scene in the process, because the more of your readers senses you can hook, the quicker and stronger you'll hook them, and the paragraph needs something kind of akin to what would be called a 'beat' in dialogue, because every single sentence is one of your characters doing something immediate, and while it's good that it is very active, that is part of what is piling up those pronouns. Even one small break in the (pro)noun/verb, (pro)noun/verb sentence beginning structures will save you some of the piled up feeling and give the whole paragraph a better and more natural rhythm. So I've given one of the sentences a different opener while invoking a new sense. (Actually I gave two sentences a different opener.)

Oh, and I also took the liberty of letting the drape be open already (or not there... I just didn't mention it) in my example, because it might be better to let the reader see Katya sooner, as it is a dynamic image, and there's nothing too dynamic about opening a drape, and it just kept being awkward for me to work with him having to open the drape, but if the drape is important to you for some reason I'm unaware of, by all means put it back.

Also, it seems like reasonable logic that if she's on a balcony that is attached to the side of a structure and she is facing the sea, the reader will realize without help that her back is to the room, so I left that bit of description out, too, though you could put it back if you wanted to. Alternatively, you might use the words you can save leaving that bit out to add a visual bit your readers don't have yet, like her 'whatever-color' hair curling in the damp or blowing in the wind, or her red robe flapping in the brisk sea breeze, or something else new to add to our mind-picture of her. Anyway, it's all just one person's suggestion. It is, always and forever, your story to change or not however you please! But here is one alternative way (starting just after a presumably simpler sentence about Bastion opening the door to his sister Katja's room) the next part could go if you wanted to be less he-redundant....

He heard Katja's chant drifting in from the balcony as he crossed the large room, bare feet sinking into thick carpet. She stood, facing the sea, intent on her magic. The smell of ozone (could be jasmine or roses or pickles or 'odd smell' or whatever, or you could just use the 'sea wrack smell') that usually accompanied the magic drifted in along with the scent of sea wrack as Bastion stood waiting, still except for the finger that tapped against his trousers, over and over. He wanted to tell Katja some important news, but had learned the hard way not to interrupt her. There were lessons you only wanted to learn once, Bastion thought, reaching to finger the scar that streaked down the left side of his face.

That's just one way to go, but it does use 'he' less, and only two of the three times it appears are sentence openers.

One thing you might try in terms of paragraphing is to let his opening the door and crossing the thick carpet be your first paragraph. Then start the second one with Katja standing on the balcony (this would work with your original or a rewrite on the order of my suggestion). Since this is your readers' first sight of Katja and it is a rather dramatic image what with her standing on the balcony silhouetted against sea and sky as she practices her magic, starting a paragraph with it will give it even more punch.

Take what you need and leave the rest, though. Always. It sounds like the beginning of an interesting story, and I might well keep reading even as it is, but there are definitely ways you could tweak it to hook me harder. Best of luck with it. Take care and write on!

Regards,

SharonID

Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :

Thank you.

I've just read your post once at the moment but can already see the sense of a lot of your points. I think your example will help me get my head round where I was going wrong. Thanks.

Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :

Bastian pushed open the door to his sister Katja's rooms, not bothering to knock. The sound of chanting told him she must be on the balcony. It sounded like she was casting a spell. His heart sank, for a moment he considered coming back later, but no she would be furious if she heard the news from somebody else.
Crossing the room, feet sinking noiselessly into the carpet he found her standing looking out over the sea. Intent on her magic she hadn't noticed him so he waited. The cold breeze from the sea cut through his thin robes as he stood waiting making him shiver. He wasn't dressed for being outdoors.
The chill in the air was displaced by a warmth caused by raw magic radiating from Katja as she controlled the spell.

Just thought I'd post my latest attempt. Also I was wondering if anybody would take a look at my draft for the story? I've completed about two thirds of the eventual 5000 (aprox) words and am wanting some opinions before I decide how to conclude it.

(Edited to correct spelling of his name to Bastian)

[This message has been edited by Max Masterson (edited February 28, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

When I fisrt read the name "Bastion" I thought it was a shortening of the name "Sebastian".

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

quote:

Bastion opened the door and entered the rooms of his sister Katja. He could hear her chanting to herself and realised she must be on the balcony. He walked across the large living room his bare feet sinking silently into the thick carpet and pulled aside the curtains. Katja stood with her back towards him, facing out over the sea. She was oblivious to him, concentrating on her magic. Her chanting was now clearly recognizable as the reciting of a spell. Bastion stood quietly still and waited impatiently for her to notice him. He had important news that she would want to know straight away, but he knew better than to disturb her. He had learned the hard way many years ago. He fingered the scar that ran down the left side of his face. It didn't hurt, hadn't hurt for years, but he

a) There are punctuation errors. For instance,

quote:
of his sister, Katja

b) Each sentence starts the same.
c) It feels rambly.
d) There is no real tension in the story.
e) It is one big blob.

These are all my opinions.

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited February 27, 2007).]

Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :

The material for the last draft is fine for me. I have scene, MC, and POV. The comma use, or lack thereof, needs work. There are spots where commas should be, but aren't. There are spots where new sentences should be.

Matt

Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :

Thanks Matt. I know my general english skills need improving, I'm actually doing a refresher course at the local college. Until then I plan on getting my mum to check my final drafts over lol.