Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Moon of Long Nights

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Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

This SS will probably end up in the 5000 word range and it's in the Horror vein. Here's the first 13, looking for general feedback and most importantly, Would You Read On?
Thanks to all responders

Skeeny jogged down the muddy path to the lakeshore, a large sack swung over his shoulder as he navigated the smooth slippery stones. The footing was precarious and the added weight of the sack hindered his balance, but he didn’t slow down. Rain clouds from a late morning downpour were slowly dispersing and giving way to the high summer sun as he hurried to reach the clearing where his boat was moored. He’d spent too much time refreshing the accents on his Omontuki mask and now he would have to rush to return with a basketful of blueshells before nightfall and the beginning of the festival.
He reached his skiff, flung in the sack and untied the coarse hemp rope tethering the boat. It was growing warm as the lingering breeze abated and Skeeny tossed his tattered shirt

Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :

For me there's no hook. I don't feel any interest in him and what he is doing. The description is good. I can picture the scene very easily (though the part about accents on his mask doesn't make sense to me), but it doesn't involve me at all.
Advice that I've received before that might be applicable is to get inside his head and let us see how he is feeling.

Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :

Ditto Max M, there is no real hook here for me yet. Although I would probably keep reading for a while longer on the strength of the descriptive writing. You definitely need to get into Skeeny 's head fairly sharpish and explain some more about that mask. Presumably this is the intended hook of the story?? Maybe I'm wrong, but if I'm not then I wonder if you could not offer some more details of it upfront to foreshadow this opening scene?

[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited February 19, 2007).]

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Hey Omakase,

I liked that this opening was not trying to bait me as a reader but offering some genuinely interesting possibilities. In this sort of story opening I have to get involved with imagery and word-use to want to keep reading and, for me, you did that.

A couple of notes:

I would probably say 'repainting the accents' or something to make that bit clearer.
I want to know about why blueshells are so important/urgent.

The 'smooth slippery stones', to me, felt like one too many words.

Next is a question really, If he is headed out to collect blueshells why is the sack already heavy? Of course this may be explained later but seems strange right now. If there are tools in there or something else, maybe just indicate it where you say 'the added weight of the sack threw him off balance' maybe something like 'the added weight of the shelling knives in the sack...' which may be more accurate anyway

Last point: Although I can see that he is hurrying, I get no real sense of why things are urgent yet. Again, its not enormously worrisome for me because I feel confident you will show me soon — or as zoot said 'pretty sharpish"— as I sense that this 'urgency' is the intended hook.

Would read on.

(hope you get something useful from that )

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited February 19, 2007).]

Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :

Hoptoad alludes to the thing I want to know most as a reader. Just what has he been doing that he shouldn't? Whatever is in that sack, whatever has made him run late is the real heart of this intro. and the story hasn't told us what that is yet.

I agree that the language paints an interesting picture, but whatever it's leading to would have to be in the next few lines to keep me reading.

I like the description of the rainclouds, etc... but I'm not sure the character cares about that at the moment. Tell us what he _does_ care about and why he's hurrying.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Hello Omakase,

You've got an intriguing beginning here, but in my opinion, it is buried under too many desciptives.

quote:
Skeeny jogged down the muddy path to the lakeshore, a large sack swung over his shoulder as he navigated the smooth(there should be a comma here. slippery stones.

quote:
Rain clouds from a late morning downpour were slowly dispersing and giving way to the high summer sun as he hurried to reach the clearing where his boat was moored

Skeeny jogged down the path to the lakeshore. It was almost noon, but any chance of sun was hidden beneath the shredded clouds. The path, slick with mud, was treacherous, but he didn't slow down. The boat was waiting for him at the clearing and hesistation on his part lead to disaster.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited February 20, 2007).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Ditto wanting more hook.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

See, now I'm OK with a bit of a slower hook, but there are three things I can say about this one.

First, I'm not smacked upside the head with the hook, but it's there. I'm interested in knowing what's up with this guy, and I should probably find out very soon.

Second, the hook-ability of the first 13 was bogged down when you took me out of the action to describe the weather and to tell me some information that I'm totally not set up for ('refreshing the accents on his Omontuki mask...blushells...festival.) In a nutshell, and as Mommiller pointed out, you could present this same information in a much cleaner and briefer form, packing more punch with fewer words.

Third, you're solidly in Skeeny's POV. That said, if HE knows what's in the sack, so should your reader. As is, it implies that what's in the sack is secret. Whether that is true or not, hiding this information from the reader does less to increase tension in the reader's mind than actually taking the reader (fully informed) along for the ride as Skeeny seeks to keep this secret from others in the story.

Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :

I thought there was a body in the bag, I'm probably wrong.

"Large sack swung over his shoulder" bothers me. Maybe lose swung?

The boat is in the clearing. Shouldn't it be in the water?

The use of scenery is great, but there is no hook for me. I know who the guy is and what he's doing, but I don't know why it's important. I don't connect with the guy at all. I don't see an urgent struggle. I know most of this can wait, but I need a hook. Maybe you can leave a little of the description out (or tighten it up) so you can hook us quicker.

Matt

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

ditto dakota

(big dakota fan over here)

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Thanks everyone for the comments.
I didn't want to start this story with a monstrous hook and it seems that I've achieved that (for better or worse per the various views).

Unfortunately the sack isn't important to the story so I will have to make some clarifications in the writing.

I'll probably post a follow up soon and then be looking for readers.

Thanks again...