“Raphael, Raphael, Raphael,” he said. “Why did you ever pick that name? The poetic contradiction is so cliché. Or is it wistful thinking? You think that just because they can’t see you, that makes you an angel?” “What, and the name you chose isn’t?” “That, my friend, would depend on whether you mean Judas Iscariot or Judas Maccabeus.” “Well, you don’t know if my namesake is the seraph, the artist, or the giant bipedal turtle.” “Touché,” said Judas, and he looked over Raphael’s shoulder to see the picture he was drawing. “This fetish you have with the Children is bordering on blasphemy, you know,” said Judas as he flipped idly through
[This message has been edited by Hylas (edited February 11, 2007).]
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
I'm not going to be very interested in dialogue without context. Also, if there is any conflict here (other than that normal to repartee), I'm missing it. The only thing that stands out is "just because they can't see you".
Give us POV, setting and conflict.
Posted by Slartibartfast (Member # 4673) on :
For example: There is no way of telling the inflection on the three Raphaels until much later. It requires more than two readings to get it right.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Ditto.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
As pointed out, dialog heavy and narritive light. I'm not sure who the viewpoint character is, nor the protagonist, or even if the conversation is antagonistic or just friendly teasing.
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
I think you simply started the story in the wrong place. Perhaps this should happen in chapter two, or even several paragraphs down. I see your hook, two angels talking, but I think it gets lost in everything else.
Matt
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
POV...
Posted by Amciel (Member # 5142) on :
To help with the inflections on the three Raphaels and introduce a POV you might break them up and add some setting intro inbetween.
Ex: "Raphael," Judas flipped through the [sketch book?] "Raphael, Raphael."
Interesting stoy concept--more show rather than tell.
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
I think the saying is "wishful thinking" not "wistful thinking." At least I tripped on wistful.
Of course it's entirely possible *I've* had it wrong all these years. Thinking of all the ways schoolkids mispronounce the Pledge of Allegiance...