Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Jumping in with roughly 13 lines.

This is topic Jumping in with roughly 13 lines. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by kmckendry (Member # 4936) on :

As you may know, I'm recalling and rebuilding a story from 20 years ago. I've created an outline of my characters as I remember them and some of the more descriptive sections in one document and am starting on the story itself. Here is the start of my short story--it is about all that I have. Please critique. (I can't believe I'm hesitating hitting the submit.

)

It seemed as if millions of stars, whole galaxies, filled the depths of his eyes. I walked to the back of the bus to sit next to him. “Mind if I sit here?” I asked.
He looked at me, his blue eyes looked tired. “Sure Prof,” he sighed.
“You recognized me?” I was surprised by this. I did not recall meeting him before.
“I plan on taking your Heroes and Anti-heroes class next term. I’ve been writing my own short stories and it should help.”
I made a mental note that I should see of James White could take over the class then. I did not think I should have Aaron in my class. “If you’d like I could review some of it for you?”
We stopped for lunch at the King & I—my favorite Thai buffet.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 08, 2007).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Welcome!

I suggest you tell us what the story is about in line 1. As it is, I'm not hooked. (Reading about a prof and student talking...I do that every day!)

I think this should replace "It seemed as if millions of stars..." I can't picture this, or rather I don't know what you mean by it.

Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :

Ditto Briggs

Why do I care about a student and his Prof. The only things that might get me to read more is the fact that the prof wants to avoid having this kid in his class. Then I was confused as to why the prof would go out to lunch with a student he was trying to avoid.

and maybe it was just me but third time through I finally figured otu that the prof was going to go over the kids writing not the class material. prob just me.

Posted by kmckendry (Member # 4936) on :

Thanks for the input.

Since I have what I hope is a twist to the ending, I'm trying not to give away too much up front. I will see what I can do.

Keith

[This message has been edited by kmckendry (edited February 07, 2007).]

Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :

My very first impression was that this professor was infatuated or wanted to pick the boy up, which is entirely not the case. I suspect you have the same tendency I do, which is to start in the middle. If it fits the flow of your story, start at the beginning and see where that leads. I might keep reading for another sentance or two hoping to be drawn in, but so far I'm not hooked.

Posted by kmckendry (Member # 4936) on :

Let's try take two:
-------

As I sat next to him on the bus, I asked, “Mind if I sit here?”
He looked at me, his blue eyes looked tired. “Sure Prof,” he sighed.
“You recognize me?” Until today, I was careful not to meet with him.
“I’m a student at Carroll; I plan on taking Heroes and Anti-heroes next term. I’ve been writing my own short stories and it should help. I’m told you’re the best at helping with Sci-Fi Fantasy stories.”
I made a mental note that I should see if James White could take over the class then. I did not think I should have Aaron in my class. This chance meeting and being recognized as a professor is one thing. But, what if?

------
Right here is 13 lines according to the template.
The next is the rest of the intro.
------

Note from Kathleen:

quote:
Sorry. Only the first 13 lines.

-------

Again, thanks for the input.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 08, 2007).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Um, KDW can get a little antsy when people try to subvert the 13 line rule like this. That rule exists for a number of very good reasons and there are better ways to get "around" it if you wish to do so.

My comment is that you need to establish the narrative frame up front rather than waiting till the end of your intro. For this particular piece, you really need to establish a little more context for the scene itself, even if you weren't going with an approach that demands a narrative frame.

Posted by kmckendry (Member # 4936) on :

Just to see if I understand; cut the dialogue for the intro, then move into dialogue after hooking the reader and setting the scene/world.

Keith

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

For a first person narrative, you first need to establish that the narrator has a reason for relating the account. For narratives generally, you need to establish the context of a scene unless the context is genuinely unimportant. To tell if the context is really so unimportant, try writing only the dialog, without even using dialog tags (he/she said). If any important information is lost by doing this, then you need context.