“Master, I have been investigating possible avenues of resource investment, specifically locations with high probabilities of military success given our current and projected capabilities.”
“English please, computer.”
“I have been looking for places where we can go to war and win.”
“Excellent. So, tell me what you found…”
“Isaacs!”
“Sir?” James Isaacs froze. That tone from the boss always meant trouble.
You know those books that have like a paragraph of a different point of view at the beginning of each chapter? What is the thought on the effectiveness of these "Hook bits" for a brand new writer?
I liked the computer saying 'we' can go to war and win.
I would like to hear more.
as to your question about different POV in the first paragraph of a chapter; I can only speak from a reader's view. when OSC did this in Ender's game with with Graff talking to, um whoever, I was just confused and annoyed for most of the novel until I finally figured out what that was all about. admitedly, I probably could have figured it out a lot sooner but as a lazy reader I didn't want to try that hard and just seen it as a slipped in prologue.
as a reader I feel the same when an author quotes Plato or the Bible at the beginning of each chapter, as if I am supposed to figure out how that quote fits into or describes that chapter. I just skip them. sometimes to my own dis-service, but reading a novel for fun is not the same as a college class, I don't want to work for it. Survivor, among others, on the other hand will probably have a totally different view because he obviously thinks about every jot and tittle he reads. just my humble opinion.
I don't like the beginning for 2 major reasons. The first is that I've got no sense of where we are, the circumstances. Obviously, you want to surprise us with the change from "master" to some guy with a boss, but you don't have to reveal that to include a line like, "Isaacs flipped on the power and waited eagerly for the computer to boot." That might not be appropriate if the computer is always on, or if it requires no boot-time, or any of a number of things that I just don't know about right now. And none of that may be important to the story, but the point is that I have NO sense of setting. I'd like a hint or two, that's all.
The second is that I'm really annoyed by the conversational style. This guy is clearly a bit wacko if he speaks to his computer this way and has taught the computer to respond in kind, unless it's just a joke, which doesn't seem to fit. (Nor would it be very funny.) Well; that's ok. But he also doesn't do it very well. Why: "Hello, computer"? Is he trying to be polite to his minion? Why: "This is your master speaking"? Is that, like, a password or something? Does the computer respond properly to anyone who says that? If the computer can tell by voiceprint or something, then there's no need for Isaacs to identify himself at all. Have the master/slave relationship come clear from the content and style of the interactions, rather than from the forms of address.
What I did like:
I liked the change from "master" to "underling" at the end. The language was better, and we get everything you're trying to say there in just a few words, without any artificial forms of address thrown in. I think this will be a good hook once you clean up the earlier paragraphs.
I'll still stand by my stylistic comments.
My only issue was "English only, please" -- I think this would confuse a computer, since it is (literally) speaking English.