Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Chocolate Maker's Daughter

This is topic The Chocolate Maker's Daughter in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

This is the first thirteen of a short story. I just need a critique on the first thirteen.

The hole Margaret peered into was the size of her foot.

"Margie, are you okay?" It was her mom. "What was that noise?"

"Ahhh... nothing! I... I just dropped a book." Her hands clenched into balls and her eyes shut just as tight. Would her mom believe her?

"Okay, well, be careful!"

Margaret's bangs fluttered upward as she exhaled her breath. A pesky trickle of blood tickled her ankle. She grabbed a flashlight and shined the light into the hole. It extended all the way through to the framing of her grandparent's farmhouse; stupid old place. It wasn't her fault. She kicked the wall of her bedroom in Chicago all the time and never made a hole.

She shined her light in again. There was no sign of pests...

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 20, 2007).]

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

This was going great for me up until the "what was that?" I know you're trying to show your protagonist's thoughts, but it feels like you're trying to force suspense onto the author in the cheapest of manners. I think you could cut those three words and turn everything after the elipses into one sentence with absolutlely no loss to what you're trying to do.

Posted by D on :

This makes no sense, I would suggest a complete rewrite. I think it'd be cool if your revised work involved Margie showing her mother the hole and then throwing her in to see what would happen. That's much more exciting. Just my two bits.

Posted by erpagris (Member # 4718) on :

I would, maybe, make a small adjustment to the first few lines, where the author intercedes -

"Margie, are you okay? What was that noise?"

"Ahhh... nothing, Mom! I... I just dropped a book." Her hands clenched into balls and her eyes shut just as tight. Would her mom believe her?

"Okay, well, be careful!"

The paragraph was good (I disagree about the "what was that?", I think it works fine) except for the phrase "exhaled her breath" (exhaled is sufficient - see White and Strunk) and "shined" slowed me down. That seemed awkward.

I would definitely read on.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

My problem is just that it's hard to see what's going on. We're in paragraph 4 before we know where the scene is physically located. I also don't know whether the hole just appeared, or if Margaret just found it; or what really caused the noise that made Mom ask questions.

Would Mom believe her about what?

Oh! At the end of paragraph 4 we get why there's a hole. I want this as soon as we know Margaret has found a hole, and I want it prominent, becuase it's crucial to understanding the events.

I didn't have a problem with "what was that?"

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Watch it, D.

The first line wasn't very clear. At first (and this is totally my own fault), I thought it was a hole in her foot, probably a result of a large nail or something. Then I realized that it was a hole as big as her foot, which suggested that it was a hole in the ground and she had avoided stepping into it. Then I find out that there was a noise, and her mother is nearby. When she says she dropped a book, I assumed that she had dropped it into the hole (we have no way of knowing that she's lying). Her reaction made me think that the hole itself was somehow impossible, so now I was thinking of some kind of swirling dimensional portal thingy. And when I found out that she was injured, I was just trying to figure out whether there had been an explosion or what when you finally just tell us what we needed to know from the beginning.

Tell us that she kicked a hole in the wall first.

Realitywise...I'm more than a little dismayed that you portray modern half-inch plasterboard construction as being sturdier than oldfashioned lathe and plaster. Any kid that has ever kicked walls knows that the opposite is true. I'm not sure what to recommend in this case...probably it's best if this is an abberation, if she's a wall kicker, there is no chance her mom wouldn't know instantly exactly what that noise was.

Introwise...tell us that she kicked a hole in the wall, and gloss the reason as you portray her reaction to having her foot stuck in the hole. Give us a little more positional data, I assume that she's lying on the bed, since this is the normal mode for kicking bedroom walls and you don't describe her having a problem balancing on her other leg. Not everyone will catch this, though, so it needs to be explicit. If she's not on the bed, then you've got a problem because it is really difficult to fetch flashlights and stuff when you've got one foot immobilized in such a way that further injury will result if you move around or fall over.

Despite all that, the discovery of a book hidden in the wall is a good hook.

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

Thanks everyone! Good stuff. I can see now that it suffered from "The Author knows what's going on" syndrome. Thanks for the insight and reality check! I'm off to re-work it.
cll

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I won't spend much time here because the points may be moot, but here:

> The hole Margaret peered into was the size of her foot.

The syntax is a little funny. I think this should be "Margaret peered into..." And Survivor's critique is right on, so it should probably be something like "...the hole she had just kicked in the wall."

> "Ahhh...

I'm not a big fan of noises like this. Maybe that's just me, but cutting it doesn't cost you anything.

I also didn't love "Would her mom believe her?" or "what was that?" Maybe you're not deep enough in the POV to pull that off? Maybe I'm just hung up on nothing? I'll let you decide...