Fyodor got up early. It was a special day today and the anticipation had kept him from sleeping properly. He got washed and dressed and checked himself in the polished steel mirror. His brown hair's red tints were very prominent today as he had forced it into a neat style for once, braided so that it lay neatly around his head the tips just reaching his shoulders. His fine silk shirt and trousers that he had, specially for today, had imported from the tailors in Suwel, were a sharp clean white and contrasted nicely with his dark red skin. He idly considered his reflection as he thought about the day ahead. Today was his wedding day. In about, he glanced at the time candle on the shelf to check, five hours he would be marrying Veronika Goluboy, who was the eldest daughter of the Head of the Goluboy
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 18, 2007).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Mention that he's getting married first. That gives you more time to slide us into the realization of how narcissistic and mercenary his motives are.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Yes. See also FAQs and Helpful Discussions, Useful discussions, Just Tell Me.
In this case, what I want to know is at the end of the paragraph. I want to get that, and then I can get some of his fussing over how he looks -- but not much, I think.
Also, as I read more F&F, eventually I get the same reaction that others do, about cliche. I didn't when I was just a reader. I'm not sure if editors do. (In this case, it's just that we start with a character getting up in the morning, having a look in the mirror.) So I don't know if that's a reason to start elsewhere or not. I will say that it's possible you should start elsewhere for some other reason (depending on the story).
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 17, 2007).]
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
This time I'll agree with wbriggs, and Survivor. You can't say "today is a special days!" and then go "and what he's wearing is..." - just say it's his wedding day up front.
I wasn't hooked. I'm not convinced this is the start of the story. It's the start of a day in that story, but I am not remotely convinced that the story itself starts here; it may have started long ago (with his first meeting with Veronika?) or later on (at the wedding itself, or when something dramatic happens to prevent the wedding, or even later on?). But right now, this feels almost as if you're telling yourself the set-up of your story. I'm not convinced you need to tell us.
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
thank you to all who gave feedback. It didn't feel entirely right to me starting at this point, which is why I posted it before I got into writing properly to get a second opinion. My problem is that I have several things that happen at the start of the story and finding the order to present them, and a way of starting the book that gets attention is proving hard to sort out in my head. I'll probably be back with a new try quite soon. Thanks again.
Thanks also for pointing out the mirror cliche, I was too preoccupied with other stuff to registar it as one lol.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Any cliche works, given the right reason. In this case, it would work if we knew why he was so interested in his appearance.