You never know what you are getting into when you sign on the dotted line of a contract with the military. All I was thinking when I signed was - freedom. Freedom from my small town and from the probability of failure. Upon reaching Cornwallis Nova Scotia, the reality of what I did would become apparent – very apparent. I was nineteen at the time and looking for anything that could offer me a chance to escape my town and to be honest my life. I think if a circus had been in town I would have joined it. I knew I couldn’t afford college and I didn’t want to work at a factory, so to give myself a chance in life – I joined what I thought what I thought would be a safe bet, the military. It was the logical choice, because I loved watching war movies and playing war with my friends while growing up, I thought it would be a cinch. So I gathered up some material from the recruiter’s office in London
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited January 10, 2007).]
Posted by Chaldea (Member # 4707) on :
The first graph you had me hooked 100 percent. But you lost me in the second when you got to the messed up parents and what he did as a child.
i would go right from '---very apparent' in the first graph, to being 19 and getting his shots in the health line at his induction, in the second graph. Then later fill us in about the home life he left. Remember, you don't have to start at the beginning. Start with the most interesting. Messed up parents is not a new or intriguing hook.
If I'd only read the first graph, that would have been enough to grab me. I would have turned the page to find out what was very apparent.
Good luck with this. I think you've got something. But it better be something more than "I was in the Army." Unless you're writing a memoir.
Chaldea
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
The hook for me was the contract. I assume it's something quirky and dangerous, and I want to know what. The second paragraph lost interest for me because I wanted to know about the contract. (Although I also need to know why he was eager to sign it, "I gotta get out of this small town" could be reason enough for now.)
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Um...he's talking about enlisting. That could be a little clearer, though. After all, most soldiers remember swearing in rather than signing (of course we do sign various things, but so does everyone). The way you put it, it really does seem open to interpretation just what kind of contract he entered here.
Prosewise, I think that you have a good start here. But I wonder if you have significant experience of life as an enlisted man...that's going to be, ummm everything to this story.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
16 yrs of service, 4 tours overseas and several missions in the Middle East - still serving..lots of exposure and lots of experience operationally.
Posted by Chaldea (Member # 4707) on :
I'm very discerning. So when I go into a bookstore and pick up a book, if the first page of it doesn't grab me I put it down. Wanting to know (like the above poster) what the contract is and what he got himself into made me want to turn the page. I can't tell everything from this, but if you stick with this I think your work will pay off. Is this a collection of short stories? Or is this fiction with a story arc, etc? I think this has potential. I like your voice and you're writing what you know, so no prob there. Have you written more, yet?
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
I think its heading towards a story,about choices, life and lessons learned - from basic trg to present, utilizing actual events I have been a part of and places I have been to (Africa, Bosnia, Middle East etc). But I will keep writing it, thanks for your vote of confidence!
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited January 11, 2007).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
There's a clarity issue which I only now noticed (which is funny because it was driving me nuts from the beginning). You mention Cornwallis, Nova Scotia in close proximity to the unnamed town from which the narrator came, and only mention London much later. That's going to be very confusing, and a lot of readers might not even know why they're so confused.
Also, the majority of readers will be more familiar with stereotypes derived from portrayals of the U.S. military. You're going to have to work extra hard to establish the credibility of the account. Still, aside from the clarity issues, your opening looks okay to me.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Yep and I changed it too - good pick up. I moved it to a more relevant location in the story.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
You're starting with background, and by the sounds of it you don't really know yourself where the story is heading.
My suggestion is to keep writing the story until you know where it's gone, and then decide what the right opening for the story should be.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Wonderful suggestion, thank you!..thinking of a title change to "There's No Life Like It!"
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
I'd start with a scene and throw the background in later. In a novel, this wouldn't be so bad, but short stories need to get into gear fast.