[This message has been edited by I am destiny (edited March 15, 2007).]
 

Perhaps, you should change your main character's "Fake-out" name to anything but Bob. "Bob" really throws me, and I've read your books.

...antony works.

[This message has been edited by drahm (edited January 09, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by drahm (edited January 09, 2007).]
 

Moreover, it doesn't sound very convincing the way you describe the stolen uniform and its former owner. Didn't Indiana Jones try and fit into a smaller uniform? And didn't an officer spot him and question what he was doing? Its alright to borrow ideas, but when you borrow something with this many parallels the reader might lose interest.

There are numerous punctuation and grammar errors. The first two sentences should be one, or rearranged.
 

I'm not hooked because you are withholding.

Bob knows where he is and what he's doing. Just tell me.

The way you have the first sentance written, I had to read it three times to figure out it was Bob's thought. The thought could tell me a lot about Bob but fails to because it is thrown away.

Why does he consider the mechanics inept or lazy? Couldn't they just be careful? Why is he watching from a corner? Aren't the mechanics going to know that they aren't working on one of thier ships? How the heck is he going to get a generator? Where the heck is he that there is a broom closet?

I have a real problem with credibility in this story. Why are people working on his ship if he so "obviously" doesn't belong i.e. how did he hoodwink them?

The descriptions are a bit heavy handed IMHO.

Ex. - "dead body" - generally when someone is talking about a body in a closet - it's dead. Either say "Dead officer" or "Body."

"sagged in relief in the darkness" - you told me three lines ago that he's in a dark corner. "Sagged in relief" is a bit melodramatic too. Who does this?

"spun to look eye to eye. . " He knew the officer was eye level? "Turned to look at the speaker" or something less Dick Tracy-like would work.

"Kill the officer with his hands . . " - At least you didn't say "bare hands." The fact that he could kill again is all that's important. Whether he shoots the other man or strangles him doesn't matter.

Try to get inside Bob's head. Let me understand why he's where ever he is and what he's doing.

I, personally, have less tolerance for novels because at least a short story isn't a massive investment of time. If I was scanning this in a store, the book would go back to the shelf because I have no confidence you'll answer my questions.

Try to work on Bob's POV and Clarity.

[This message has been edited by I am destiny (edited March 15, 2007).]
 

"The mechanics were taking their bloody time, obviously inept or lazy, Antony thought as he watched them."

Now I like MC! He's got attitude! Although, I still don't think you need the "obviously inept or lazy" comment.

But you are still withholding.

See, Keeping secrets from the Reader:
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002021.html

Antony knows why he's hiding, why he fears detection and why if he's found out, he's dead. You repeat the same idea three times in the first 13 but don't tell me why. If I know why, I can worry about him. Right now, I don't know what the stakes are and don't care if he gets killed. Tell me - for example - that only he can save the world and if he is caught and killed billions die.

Tell me what ship (not by name but by how it fits into his world) Antony is on.

NITS -

"Carefully, he looked . . " If you pick a stronger verb, the "carefully" becomes unnecessary. I.E. "He peeked. . "

". . .grinned inwardly . . " is awkward. Either he grinned or he didn't.

Good luck with it.
 

I also want to add that the sentence style is also a bit simplistic for my tastes. I like more of a variety in the sentences (some long, some short, some medium length with varying levels of complexity). These are all basically short, simple sentences, so it feels very staccato and halting as I read it. I suppose that it is possible that you intended this to feel that way - in which case "Bravo! You did it!" However, I think this scene might flow better for me with some changes along those lines (as well as the other comments you receive).

Good luck!

-V
 

I'm puzzled by a couple of things. First off, you tell us that his muscles ached but not why. Second, you tell us that the reason he's not wearing his uniform is because it's currently adorning a body in a closet. Well, who's fault is that? Why did he put his uniform on the body if he didn't already have some reason to not wear it himself? If he did have a reason to not wear it, then why did he bring it with him in the first place? And now that he's stolen a uniform, why is he hiding? Also, isn't the malfunction bad luck for him? After all, that's why the mechanics are in his way, right? Surely he can't have been counting on a lucky malfunction, he has to have had some plan for getting past those blast doors anyway.

Some of that can be cleared up later, some of it simply has to be cleared up as soon as it's raised. But overall I'd say that I have questions more than I have problems.
 

[This message has been edited by I am destiny (edited March 15, 2007).]
 

Just tell me http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html
Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it isn't enough http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html

Your rewrite doesn't address that issue, so you may not be interested. But if you are, I suggest: put aside the version you have now. Try telling the story giving exactly what background the reader wants to know and nothing more (in this case, why's he here?). Then see which version you like better.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 10, 2007).]
 

However, there is a difference between a run-on sentence and a long, complex sentence. Usually it is about punctuation and using conjunctions that get people in trouble with run-ons. Although . . . sometimes a run-on in a sentence can be useful in creative writing. It can give a sense of breathlessness and angst, or even a stream of consciousness kind of feeling.

In any case, the third revision hooks me much more, so I think you are getting there. I agree with wbriggs, though, put this latest version aside and start again (don't throw it out, just put it aside to get the rewriting and stuff out of your head).

Think about the comments you have received so far, then tell the story again. In fact, I recommend doing it several times, from several different point of views and several different voices.

Much success!

-V
 

I think that this opening works as an incentive to keep reading. I like the image of him having hurried to get there before the door is repaired only to discover that the mechanics haven't even figured out that they'll need to replace a critical component. On the other hand, maybe that won't gel for everyone that reads this...oh well. Still, I think you've got the story moving here.
 

Thanks for all the tips, I apreciate what I'm learning.

Destiny