Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Smooth Criminal (Working Title for Work in Progress)

This is topic Smooth Criminal (Working Title for Work in Progress) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

They say that anyone can come into Christ and, therefore, be forgiven. And if we are forgiven, some religions believe that means we are guaranteed a ticket to heaven. But is it really that concrete?
This idea was tested a few years back when I first rolled into town. I was bad news for everybody. You see, my name’s Damien. And I’m actually the Anti-Christ.
My step brother Jesus and I go way back. I mean, way back. Of course, back then I went by the name Lucifer and he went by the name Jehovah...but you get the picture, right?

[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited January 04, 2007).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'd drop paragraph 1. I don't see that it adds anything. If those are the thoughts we'll get, we'll pick them up from the text.

This one doesn't appeal to me, but it may be a religious thing . I don't like that the narrator says Jesus went by the name Jehovah -- he seems to be ignoring all the things Jesus said about the Father, suggesting Jdsus thought of himself as distinct from Jehovah.

Maybe it's just me, though.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 04, 2007).]

Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :

I second WBriggs's comments. Yeshua might sound more plausible than Jehovah, as it is believed to be the Hebrew name that was transliterated to Greek then Roman to become Jesus. If I remember correctly it's the Old Testament name known today as Joshua.

The first sentence or two didn't seem to belong. I didn't think I had started a story yet while I was reading them.

Posted by Donelle (Member # 4677) on :

I think I see what you’re doing here. You thought of a good idea (I concede it seems rather interesting) and you wanted to begin committing it to words immediately. But it seems to me that you have more of an idea than a story.

I see this may be somewhat of an idea piece. This is something lots of new writers do (I’m a new writer too) when they write idea pieces. You begin with something akin to a thesis statement. This is a natural reaction which has been ingrained in us since grade school. How many times has the teacher grilled us on proper essay format?

Introduction
I. Main Point
A. Supporting detail
B. Supporting detail
C. Supporting detail
Conclusion.

However, this does not work well for fiction. Always remember first rule – show don’t tell. So when writing fiction we should try to stick to the inverted format (especially for idea fiction.)

A. Supporting detail
B. Supporting detail
C. Supporting detail
[*}I. Main Point

This modified structure builds towards it’s climax. Furthermore it’s is easier to add elements of suspense, which is often what keeps readers engrossed in idea fiction. Starting with supporting detail (Preferably a scene) gets the ball rolling. If you start with a thesis, it’s easy to just stop cold after the first 14 lines unsure where to go next.

I’ll stop now before I really start to ramble… I hope this helps!

Keep up the good work!
-Donelle

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I think that the main problem here is style. Religion...anyone that is that anal about doctrinal correctness isn't going to like having the Anti-Christ as a narrator anyway. I personally happen to be very sure that Lucifer and the Anti-Christ (also known as the abomination of desolation) are two different individuals. That doesn't put me off of your story any more than my certainty that humanity will not successfully navigate or evade the technological singularity puts me off of high-tech SF (also known as space opera). Or consider my positive knowledge that there never was any such era as the Third age of Middle-Earth

And a first person narrative should start off with an introduction, because all real first person narratives have or imply them. If you're not going to have an introduction and raison d'etat up front, it shouldn't be a first person narrative. I think that, if anything, your rez-data is too weak, but I don't mind that much. It's true that it's often difficult in fiction, which is why first person is a hard POV to master, but you've done okay with this opening, as far as that goes.

Back to my point. You have three very short paragraphs which don't seem to have any logical divisions. It gives your text a hint of an annoying "freeverse" feel. I think that a couple of pages of this would make me really hate your narrator (leaving aside that he's the Anti-Christ...I mean that I'd hate him just because of his prose style). I can see it as slick...but it's the wrong kind of slick, the too obviously slick slick that makes you want to wash your hands...er, not read.

Despite this, I think that this opening has real promise. But you should make Damien feel like the kind of guy who can win us over even though we know he's the Anti-Christ (assuming that we're not already anti-christian...if this is aimed at anti-christians then you want to have Damien disparage the idea of a literal Anti-Christ).