Had he angered Aquitos? Markus believed so as he cast a grimace at the black waves towering over his ship. The storm had come out of nowhere a few minutes ago, and already two of the five ships sailing from the Northlands were resting in the dark depths of the Aesmyth Sea.

"Tie the main sail down you drunken louts!" he yelled at his crew as another wall of water crashed down upon the deck, sweeping several men overboard.

"Aquitos shelter them." he whispered a prayer to the God of the Sea, knowing full well those in the water had no chance of surviving in this pitiless storm. Markus didn't have time to mourn them though, so he grit his teeth and ran to help the men tie down the lines.
 

POV.

[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited January 02, 2007).]
 

Hope this helps.
 

I'm glad you can only see the first 13 lines, because my descriptions get worse after. I tend to write down what I want to happen in the story, and never really get to editing/polishing. I'll try to edit these lines though, so maybe I won't have to edit the rest as much if I can do it right.

Thanks for your input!
 

This is a way of making us understand what you say as you say it.

Can a storm really come up with no indication to an experienced salt? If not, Markus will be all the more sure.

You lessen the impact of the death of several sailors by putting it in a subordinate clause of a subordinate clause. It's significant, to Markus and to us. Play it up! As in

"Tie the mainsail down, you drunken louts!" he yelled.

Another wall of water crashed on the deck, and as he watched, helpless, three of his crew lost their footing and were swept overboard.

"Aquitos" ... and so on.

You could also have him unable to stop himself from thinking of them individually. As in, if Joe loses his family, he wouldn't mourn "the family" only; he'd mourn Kate and Alice and Timmy and so on.

 

I think I should go back to school, maybe take some beginner writing classes. Thanks for your tips, they made me realize I'm way out of my league. :x
 

Sink into Markus's head. That's the POV comment. The easiest mistake to make is to describe something like you'd see it on a movie screen. Once it's been pointed out, it's something you can fix.

Will's comments are great to help you focus on the detail and clarity you need in writing. Don't give up. Keep working at it and read others stuff on F&F. With practice you'll start seeing the issues in other people's writing and learn how to apply and correct that in yours.
 

I think what would help newbies is to define the objective of the first 13 lines, I gather it is to get the editors (or whom ever) attention out of the slush stack, but technically what should be accomplished in them. If that is already posted all the newbies. I assume, would like to know that.

thanks to all who help here.

Firo, DO NOT take an attitude of ' I can't do this' because you can. you will learn if you decide to, hang in there. Besides I liked a lot of what you wrote I would like to see your story come alive on paper the way it is in your head.

[This message has been edited by BruceWayne1 (edited January 04, 2007).]
 

Also, I'm not sure, but a few minutes for a ship to sink to the bottom of the sea? Seems awfully fast to me. Unless this is a very shallow sea and the ship already had lots of water inside and no air pockets. I could be wrong about how fast it takes, but if you have doubts too, some research is in order (maybe even someone in this forum knows).

Go at it again, keeping all the above good comments in mind and you can make this story really come alive!

-v
 

That's very broad, and not necessarily helpful to someone who doesn't know what motivates readers to keep reading, but it is the purpose of working on your first thirteen. If you can assume that your reader has to read your story, then there is no point in working on your writing skills at all.

Now, why do readers read? Well, they want to find out something. In the case of fiction, they want to find a story. So if your first half page convinces them that you have a story to tell, and know how to tell it, you've already pretty much won. Stories usually start with a character and a situation. Many openings fail because they don't present one or the other. The main problem with this opening right now seems to be that it assumes that we already know a lot about Markus and his situation. Markus is there, the situation is there, but both are exceedingly difficult to understand.

This may seem puzzling, since Markus is obviously a sailor on a sinking ship. But that's all we know. Less than a single line can sum up everything I know about this character and situation. What are you doing with the other twelve lines? We know that the sea has a name, the ship came from somewhere, and that storms are pitiless. Of course, we knew that already. By using your first thirteen lines without telling us anything interesting about Markus and his sinking ship, you've demonstrated that you don't know how to begin a story.

Fortunately, it's a skill that can be learned. And it consists of asking yourself a few questions about the story your telling. First off, why do we care? What is interesting about Markus, what makes him a good protagonist?