Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Aunyx (SF suspenseish)

This is topic Aunyx (SF suspenseish) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Onyx Ricsina (Member # 4561) on :

Well, here I go. This is my 2nd edit. I seem to have about 2200 words typed and maybe double that handwritten.

The microliminals sped up with the beat of the music, increasing the heart rate and cycling down the REM state. The pile of scrap cloth that served as the only furniture in the featureless room stirred and from it arose a young man of medium build and average height. Dimly lit against his outline, the wall terminal ticked away the last few seconds approaching 0430 while something inhuman issued forth from the general direction of the stretching shadow that would roughly translate to “I’m up” to anyone fluent enough to understand the language of bachelor.
“Lights. Conclude wake-up sequence.” And the outline gained features. Well-trimmed, shoulder length black hair shrouded the taut oval frame of a face.

Posted by Onyx Ricsina (Member # 4561) on :

I may be replying too soon but one word I forgot to comment on: microliminials. A later sentence, about 2 paragraphs down states "This one was equipped do do only two things: play music and insert microliminals into the music to help him sleep and wake up easily." Through the context of the above sentence, the microliminals are higher fuction subliminals.

Posted by Ash (Member # 4615) on :

Description of character seems unnecessary to me this early on. It is too run of the mill to describe your character's physical appearance at the very beginning, it doesn't sound terrible, but it certainly doesn't set you apart either.

In point of fact, my opinion is that most characters don't really need a physical description. The imagination of the reader can supply a body that their mind says fits the thoughts and words that the character has. It is fun for the reader to invent the character himself, one of the things that makes books better than movies.

Anyway, you have more powerful stuff in this story than simply describing your man. So use some of it, and make this opening amazing instead of just good.

Posted by trailmix (Member # 4440) on :

I agree with ash to a point. Some characters physical descriptions can actually be a plot point though. Think "American Psycho." The main character was obsessed with his appearance. It is paramount that we know what he is obsessed about.

Where I do agree is that you need not load much of the physical description of the MC in the first paragraph unless it truelly is a plot point.

That being said the description you give has a unique style to it. I enjoyed it.

scott

Scott

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

This is cinematic. It makes sense for a screenplay, but for fiction, we almost always like POV. Give us a POV character and show us how he/she perceives what's happening.

Posted by Tara (Member # 4638) on :

I had to read it several times to understand it, but once I did, it sounded intriging.

Clearly 13 lines is not enough to really understand what's going on. But I think you should slow down, take more time describing each thing. Use more descriptive language. For example, in the second sentence, you described something totally weird and then described its action all in the same sentence. Take 2 or 3 sentences describing what the heck the shadow thing is, and than go on to its actions.

Some things that made it confusing:
"THE heart rate"? Whose heart rate?
Why would "scrap cloth" be furniture?
"Medium build and average height" doesnt't really tell you what the thing looks like anyway, so might as well take it out. Or use more descriptive, original language.
What's 0430? Instead of just a number, say something more specific to time, such as "the hour" or "the half hour." If the actual time is important, but that right after.
"something inhuman" does not sound like a sound to me. Say "an inhuman sound." Also, what does "inhuman" mean anyway? Come up with something more descriptive.

Of course, it's pointless for you to pay attention to my minor corrections if you're just going to rewrite it, but I wanted you to see the places where your language wasn't clear.

Posted by Donelle (Member # 4677) on :

Strongly agree with the previous posters, especially Tara.

I’d like to add one thing.
This sentence was really confusing:

“Dimly lit against his outline, the wall terminal ticked away the last few seconds approaching 0430 while something inhuman issued forth from the general direction of the stretching shadow that would roughly translate to “I’m up” to anyone fluent enough to understand the language of bachelor.”

It’s a tangled knot. I had to read it several times to understand it. Try to break it up. Coming in at a whopping 46 words, it has two subjects, two predicates and three adjectives. A little too much for my taste. There is no reason they should all be clumped together in that sentence. Try to scan your existing work for more sentences like this and see if you can fix them.

Good luck
-Donelle