“As kind as your offer is, I am afraid I must refuse.” The representative was unhappy, and made this apparent. The other businessman in the room grinned. This was the reaction they had expected, just the play they had wanted out of Lucinda Corporation. The smaller company was going through hard times, but certainly wasn’t doomed yet, which was the reason for this meeting, and also for the recording devices hovering about the room broadcasting this interview. If Lucinda were doomed, the merger offer would have been conducted in secret, but this play was meant to make the Lucinda Corporation rep. uncomfortable, nervous in front of his viewers. The merger would not benefit Lucinda’s interests, so it would certainly be refused, but the fact that it was on the table, combined with
A first thirteen that I think needs revision, too much thought, too slow to take off, but I want a second opinion if I can have one. I am also thinking of starting a little earlier in the plot. In any case, thoughts would be eagerly accepted.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 28, 2006).]
Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :
Two thoughts:
You don't provide a character (by name) for the reader to identify with and you start with a big meaty paragraph that requires a lot of concentration to wade through. You might consider more clearly introducing a POV character in the first sentence, and break things up to make it more readable. Perhaps the background info could be worked in after the meeting is in motion?
Edit for clarity
[This message has been edited by dee_boncci (edited December 27, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Ditto all that. My attention drifted when I got a representative rather than Joe or Frank, and when I got "This was the reaction they had expected," I knew we weren't getting a POV character. There's no one to care about yet.
I say pick a POV character, name him, and show us why he cares about the experience he's having.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Seconded what's above. There's no involvement with a character, and I surely don't care about corporations. You're explaining a lot without actually explaining anything that matters, like "what does Lucinda corp do?"
Sorry, but I wouldn't read on.
Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :
I'd echo the above sentiments. I had a hard time wading through who was who, and the business with the recording equipment made very little sense to me. If you tell this from the POV of the person being extended the offer, you could explain how they could detect the attempts to rattle their nerves, and their perception of the intimidation going on. It'd be much stronger as a result.
Posted by Stormshine (Member # 3687) on :
" “As kind as your offer is, I am afraid I must refuse.” The representative was unhappy, and made this apparent. "
I'm assuming that the representative is the one who was talking. If that's the case, and he was making his unhappiness apparent by refusing the offer, it's redundant to say 'and made this apparent'.
Other than that, I pretty much agree with everyone else. It's a confusing beginning without a POV character and it doesn't give me a reason to want to care about the Lucinda Corporation.