1st opening-
I watched my own funeral as the preacher stood next to the gravestone delivering the sermon. Being dead was a whole new experience for me. I didn’t know what to do or feel. All I could do was walk through the crowd unnoticed.
Making my way over to my wife I stopped. I bent down directly in front of her looking into the empty gaze of her dark green eyes. No tears came down. I tried to stroke her face, but she couldn’t feel my touch. She only continued to stare blankly at my casket.
“The ones that are hurting the most never cry,” said a voice behind me.
Startled, I turned and saw him. “Who are you?”
“Just another soul, same as you."
2nd opening-
I watched my own funeral as the preacher stood next to the gravestone delivering the sermon. “Today, we lay rest to Ethan Rainsville, a man who touched the life of everyone he encountered. A tragic accident claimed his life, a young life. Twenty six years. But while we all mourn his untimely death, it is imperative that we also celebrate his life. . .”
They couldn’t see me. Looking across the crowd, I saw someone looking directly at me, his eyes fixed in an unflinching stare. And the next instant he was gone. Looking to my left he now stood beside me. I then paid him no attention and turned my gaze to a woman. “Is that your wife?” he asked.
“Yes, I said. “She isn’t crying.”
“The ones that are hurting the most never do” he said.
This line:
I then paid him no attention and turned my gaze to a woman. “Is that your wife?” he asked.
I dont think the main character would refer to his wife as "a women." He would probably think of her and refer to her as her name, Sally or whatever.
also:
Looking to my left he now stood beside me.
Why did the Main Character look to the left? Perhaps he felt the other souls presence next to him or did the other soul clear his throat? Maybe the Main character just saw him in his peripheral vision. I would let the reader know that way it didnt seem as though the MC's attention is wandering. He isnt looking around arbitrarily.
and:
They couldn’t see me. Looking across the crowd, I saw someone looking directly at me, his eyes fixed in an unflinching stare.
You contradict yourself in these two sentences. I know what you mean but the wording definately feels contradictary. Perhaps;
I looked over the crowd. I knew none of them could see me but one of them I swear was looking right at me. His gaze was unflinching. In an instant he dissapeared, reappearing right beside me.
But, despite the critique, I like the idea and would read on. I want to know how the MC died. It would get me to read a few chapters. So good work.
scott
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 27, 2006).]
I will say that if you took the suggestion to conceal from us that MC is at his own funeral -- something that he knows full well and that is crucial to understanding the scene -- I would throw the book across the room. I want to enjoy what's happening, not be tricked about it.
Also, "I didn't know what to do or feel" seems tepid for the circumstances, and therefore unnecessary. I get essentially the same sense of detachment from the second as from the first, but you spend less time making it happen. It comes out in the detachment of the narration. (In fact, the phrase "unflinching stare" takes some of that detachment away -- the man seems hostile -- so maybe you want to tone that down a little bit.)
I concur with Trailmix's comments regarding "a woman". Although you don't have to say "Sally" -- you could say "my wife" -- he almost certainly wouldn't think "a woman". His other comments are pretty good, too, although I personally prefer a "then I noticed" to an "I swear he was looking..."
I agree with WBriggs about not concealing the fact that the MC is dead. (Sorry, Ash.) It should definitely be said on the first manuscript page; and although you could, theoretically, go for a sentence or two about the people at the funeral and then drop in "The funeral was mine," I don't think you gain anything from it. Why not catch people in the first five words instead of in the first 13 lines?
quote:
I watched my own funeral as the preacher stood next to the gravestone delivering the sermon. “Today, we lay rest to Ethan Rainsville, a man who touched the life of everyone he encountered. A tragic accident claimed his life, a young life. Twenty six years. But while we all mourn his untimely death, it is imperative that we also celebrate his life. . .”Being dead was a whole new experience for me. I didn’t know what to do or feel. They couldn’t see me. All I could do was walk through the crowd unnoticed. Making my way over to my wife I stopped. Across the crowd, someone looked directly at me, his eyes fixed in an unflinching stare. And the next instant he was gone.
I turned back to my wife and bent down directly in front of her looking into the empty gaze of her dark green eyes. No tears came down. I tried to stroke her face, but she couldn’t feel my touch. She only continued to stare blankly at my casket.
“The ones that are hurting the most never cry,” said a voice behind me.
Startled, I turned and saw him again. "Who are you?"
"Just another soul, same as you."
If you look at many real first person accounts, you see this immediately. Many of these accounts are somewhat fictitious, probably very few people bothering to recount their own versions of events are satisfied with the objective truth, after all. But the narrators themselves are real people, who have real reasons for writing their own stories, and who wrote with an audience in mind, even if that audience was just "whoever reads this". Generally, it's very clear within the first couple of lines why someone is writing a first person account. Even when it isn't, it's always clear that there is a reason.
Fictional first person narratives often make the mistake of having the narrator tell the story for no reason and with no audience in mind. This makes the narrative seem instantly unrealistic, completely different from any genuine first person account ever written. The worst possible third person floating omniscient with POV cheating seems more plausible by comparison, because people telling/writing stories that are basically true in the objective details are often guilty of failing to distinguish between what they know and what they only guess.
(Sorry I can't highlight the edits for you...)
EDITED:
I watched the funeral as the preacher stood next to the gravestone delivering the sermon. I didn’t know what to do or feel. All I could do was walk through the crowd unnoticed.
Making my way over to my wife I stopped. I bent down directly in front of her looking into the empty gaze of her dark green eyes. No tears came down. I tried to stroke her face, but she didn't feel my touch. She only continued to stare blankly at the casket.
“The ones that are hurting the most never cry,” said a voice behind me.
Startled, I turned and saw him. “Who are you?”
“Just another soul, same as you."