Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Ashes to Ashes

This is topic Ashes to Ashes in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by mattguthrie (Member # 4484) on :

OK, here's my first try at putting this out there. All comments and criticism welcome. This is the opening to a short story, possibly a novella I'm working on.
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The pain in his lower back was worse than usual this morning. He hadn’t slept at all last night. The cold damp morning did not help any. Of course, there was no other type of morning here in the Northwest Territories. At least that much had not been changed by science run amuck. I need to move someplace with a little more sun Jared thought to himself. Maybe the desert, then I can complain about the heat.
Shock waves suddenly traveled up Jared’s spine. His back arched violently in response. The glass of juice shattered and spilled on the counter as it slipped from his grasp. Jared pulled himself along the floor and found his pain relievers. He swallowed two tablets quickly, trying to ignore the reminder that the number of his days was short.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Okay, first off, you need to start using his name in the 1st sentance. "The pain in Jared's lower back was worse than usual this morning."

And I don't really know what's going on. Does he know why his back hurts? Cause that's more imortant than what the weather is like. If he knows tell us straight away. And it'd be a better hook, I think.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Ditto pixydust, strongly.

Posted by mattguthrie (Member # 4484) on :

Thanks for the suggestions. How's this?

The pain in Jared’s lower back was worse than usual this morning. He hadn’t slept at all last night. The tumor that had wrapped itself around his spine would not be ignored. Shock waves suddenly traveled up Jared’s spine. His back arched violently in response. A glass of juice shattered and spilled on the counter as it slipped from his grasp. Jared pulled himself across the floor to get his pain relievers. Struggling to control his breathing, he swallowed two tablets.
The medicine worked quickly. As Jared slowly stood, the bright blue appointment card caught his attention. His afternoon appointment with the mind transfer advisor served as another reminder that his remaining days were few.

Posted by Ash (Member # 4615) on :

I actually liked the first one better but that I think is just me, I like the internal thoughts, brings the character to life, while the second is all exposition, third person, which for me is a step too far away. What would be best, try skipping the part about the weather for a moment (good stuff, quirky, but not extraordinarily potent, like an opening ought to be), but keep the replacement in his actual thoughts. You have established the third person viewpoint already, by saying "He had hardly slept at all," now bring us closer. But I am an actor, I live for dialogue, and breath soliloquy (which I can't spell), so take this comment with a grain of salt.

Posted by Spartan (Member # 4662) on :

I liked the second one much better. Like Ash, I enjoyed the internal thoughts in the first one, but I think it takes away from the stuff about Jared's back, which is obviously more important.

I'd like to see some of the other senses incorporated into this--smell, sound, taste, etc.--if you can find a good place for it.

Posted by Donelle (Member # 4677) on :

I definitely like the second edit more. Though I'd like to have a better visual of the character's position in the onset. The glass of juice almost seems to materialize out of thin air, especially since you give the juice the indefinite article. Definite article may help, Ie "The Glass of juice"

Then all of a sudden, he's on the floor. How does he get there? Does he slide off his chair, does he stand then tumble? Not big issues, but I think it would make a slight improvement.

Keep up the good work. I would actually like to read this when it's done.

-Donelle

[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 03, 2007).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Second one's better, definitely, but I'm still not really hooked.

Basically, what we've got is a guy dying of cancer.

This may sound callous, but my immediate reaction to this was: "so what"? Lots of people die of cancer. Is there something about this one that's particularly worth my time?

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

You have put your MC in a dire, painful situation - but this critical situation clashes with some of the passive writing and actions. As an example:

"He swallowed two tablets quickly..."

Swallowing two tablets quickly is what those who suffer from a fever, a cold or PMS do. I want to see (and feel) something here that is more in tune with the situation and keeps tension. Maybe here, trembling in severe pain, he can't get the lid off the bottle so he simply smashes the bottle against the floor and seizes the pills with his mouth. Something like this is much less passive and builds/keeps tension.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 04, 2007).]

Posted by Hylas (Member # 3613) on :

I also like the thoughts and feelings expressed in the first one, but agree that the second is better since it gives so much needed info so quickly.

Take the good stuff you cut out of the first draft and plug it into the next couple of paragraphs.