On the same day that Anita almost lost her virginity, and Clara's sense of smell morphed beyond recognition, John found himself bodily transported from Madrid, Spain, to the back of an empty bus, cruising at 40mph from Chicago to Madison.
John zipped up, wiped his hands on his jeans and inventoried his pockets. The road signs informed him he was on the wrong continent. Thankfully he'd had the foresight to put his passport, credit card and a couple hundreds in his back pocket before attempting intimate relations with Anita. Previous efforts had landed him naked in the middle of the Sahara. If it hadn't been for those nice Bedouins he didn't know what would have become of him.
John sat down and wondered how he was going to convince US authorities that he hadn't entered the country illegally.
Oh, and the part with the passport and pocket was weird. I don't mean to be crude but as a reader I'd think: sex with your pants on?
I'm hooked, though. You've got me.
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sex with your pants on?
Exactly what I thought. Not sure how to get around it though. Like pixydust, I don't want to be crude, but if he has to do the deed with his pants on, he might not want to use jeans. Without getting graphic, I'll just say zippers would be a no-no to the with-pants-on-sex-haver.
I didn't necessarily think this was FUNNY, per se, but I really like it. Definitely interesting. I want to keep reading it.
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited December 16, 2006).]
I am hooked, and would definitely read further. I don't have any suggestions, because it really drew me in.
--
On rereading, I think I have a fix: he puts his passport etc. in his pockets before dropping by Anita's to attempt intimate relations.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited December 16, 2006).]
A few random thoughts:
[*] The bus is cruising at 40mph? That's really slow for a highway.
[*] I get the feeling that his teleportation (if that's what it is) was accidental -- but then I read the phrase "previous efforts", which sounds like he tried to teleport. I'm guessing that you meant that as previous efforts at sexual relations, but maybe it could be clarified: He kept his pants on and his money and passport in his pocket -- even during sex -- because he couldn't risk being transported buck naked, penniless, and without identification again. Maybe you make him think about how that has affected the girls he's trying to have sex with. They might find it a little disconcerting, you could explain more clearly what he's worried about, and there might be some humor in the situation to boot.
[*] You started the second two paragraphs with "John". Maybe that's too nit-picky, but I noticed it. I think you could start paragraph two with "He", since John is the only male mentioned in the first paragraph. Come to think of it, that paragraph is a single sentence, and John is its subject.
To your specific questions:
I didn't get confused by the passport thing initially, but I didn't think about him trying to leave the US with a passport without an entry stamp. You might clarify that, but I don't think you'd lose anything by cutting it.
I didn't find it funny per se, but it's hooky. I could see it getting funny in a dry sort of way.
I didn't have a problem with the passport thing, but I can also identify with people who did. I think the easy fix is to remove "thankfully". The sentence would read equally well if you just took that word out. Often when you say "thankfully, blah happened" you mean that blah happened just out of dumb luck, and that's why you're thankful for it. But in this case, blah happened through the character's own forethought and careful preparation.
I'm not really hooked, partly because it doesn't seem like the innuendo really pulls its weight. And there doesn't seem to be much else of interest here, which is odd, because you're starting off with teleportation, but it doesn't seem very interesting.
quote:
I've noticed that not everyone seems to have picked up on the fact that the teleportation is associated with Anita rather than him.
Sara, if he's right then I agree, you need to clarify that.
Most of it: << like that
Bit with Clara: 
<< like that
Oh..one other thing. The phrase "The same day" disconnects my time reference. How disjointed are these events? Obvioulsy the John/Anita/sex/teleport happens within a few moment's time (I'm assuming, since it didn't actually go all the way) so maybe instead of "The same day," you could say, "A few moments before Anita lost her virginity, John found himself..."
Maybe you want to be more subtle than that, however.
(Hi everyone! [waves])
Just when Anita was finally going to lose her virginity, John found himself bodily transported from Madrid, Spain, to the back of an empty bus, cruising at X mph from Chicago to Madison.
John pulled up his pants, wiped his hands with a hanky and inventoried his pockets. The road signs informed him he was on the wrong continent. Thank God he'd had the foresight to put his passport, credit card and a couple hundreds in his back pocket before attempting sex with Anita. Previous efforts had landed him naked in the middle of the Sahara. If it hadn't been for those nice Bedouins he didn't know what would have become of him.
When, and if he got back, he'd have a serious conversation with Anita. She had to stop teletransporting him away every time they were about to do it.
>Just when Anita was finally going to lose her virginity,
I prefer your original first line for 2 reasons.
* This version sounds like the story's going to be about Anita through the first clause. To me.
* I want Clara back. The rest of the text is clear enough I can trust you that Clara's going to show up again, and putting the reference in there adds a certain level of crazyness that just makes me laugh. And remember, I'm usually the one saying "explain what you're saying!" in those first 13
>John ... wiped his hands with a hanky
That's what you might call Too Much Information (seems a little gross)!
USA: 65-75 on Interstate, 55 on other non-city roads. However, traffic can slow it down further. I'd expect full speed as you got close to Madison, but in metro Chicago, it could even be stopped!
Also on TMI. Wiping his hands on his jeans was just ambiguous enough to make it not-quite-icky, but by pulling up his pants -- and I think that's a better move -- and wiping his hands on a hanky, it's a little too much.
If he's pulling up his pants, I'm interested in who's watching. Doesn't need to be in the first 13, but it should probably be taken into account.
Anita must use pretty advanced technology to be able to put him down, apparently stationary, in a desert, and also to transport him into a vehicle moving at 65 miles an hour without killing him.
I'm much more comfortable with pants that don't necessarily have a zipper.
Still like it. I liked both versions, actually.
How about: John pulled up his pants, zipped and inventoried his pockets...
Let's all assume the pants aren't too tight.
In American English, this can only mean "two $100 bills." If you mean "miscellaneous bills totalling about $200" it would have to be "a couple hundred."
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How about: John pulled up his pants, zipped and inventoried his pockets...
Better. And I agree it should be "a couple hundred" if it's misc bills, and "a couple of hundreds" if it's two $100 bills.
-I've been flying internationally recently, so I understood immediately when you mentioned explaining how he got into the US. Although, my mind immediately followed with the observation that nobody was probably going to look close enough to notice anyway. Even if I had no idea how international flight works, I don't think I would have questioned your narrative, or been slowed down by wondering about it.
-I was left wondering whether it was Anita or John that had the ability to "teleport" or whatever it is. Not that I need that question answered immediately--it drew me in. Good job.
-Loved the first paragraph. Immediate hook. Hopefully it doesn't drag now that John is all alone on a bus.
-40mph is pretty slow if he's on a highway. I'd change it to 60mph.
[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited December 27, 2006).]