Hi, I posted a frag of this last week and it became apparent that it was a little confusing, although there was some kind of hook judging by those that said they would read on. I've since revised the whole thing and am looking for readers of the first chapter (1000-1300 words approx). But for those that haven't got the time, any comments on the new beginning are welcome:
Grimwood checked his watch for the umpteenth time and cursed quietly to himself. He hated waiting for the dead. They had no concept of time, what with having an eternity to hang around in. And it wasn’t as if you could just meet them somewhere nice and convenient, like the local boozer, for instance. Sod’s law dictated they always haunted some dark, dingy hole like Prittlewell Station. He noted the local vandals had done a great job of covering just about every flat surface with graffiti, and admired their thoroughness, if not their artistic imagination. He listened to the pigeons cooing in the shadowy vaults of the concourse roof. And watched rats pick their way through the piles of gravel,
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited December 12, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited December 12, 2006).]
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
This is good, and I'm hooked. But I think you need to let us know why he's waiting in that second paragraph, not describe the station.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
We already know why he's waiting, he wants to meet someone who's dead.
I think it's a pretty good opening. I'll try reading the first chapter.
Posted by januson (Member # 4194) on :
"an eternity to hang around in"
you don't hang around IN an eternity, so that "in" should be removed
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
No, I mean, why he's hanging out, waiting for the dead guy.
Posted by Jenn (Member # 7798) on :
I'm happy to read further if you want to send more.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
No, in this case the exact point is that they are hanging around in an eternity.
Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :
Thanks for all your comments.
Survivor, Jenn, I've just mailed you the rest of the chapter. Don't hold back, I'm wearing a particulary thick skinned coat today.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Hah, you say that now... Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Looks good to me, too. I'll read if you still want readers.
