Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First Thirteen

This is topic First Thirteen in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by discipuli (Member # 3395) on :

First thirteen of a piece about a character finding meaning in his life , any good? The lines quoted from the song have meaning later on, him bieng a mulatto himself , feeling like a mosquito.
Trying to set a mood of hoplessness, irony , angst and all that.

‘’ A mulatto! An albino! A mosquito ! My Libido! YEA!’’ the chords of his favourite song drove him out of bed . He yawned and stretched lazily , mocking the energy of ‘Teen Spirit’ .He had none of that left, the youthful idealism . Life beats it out of you,the dead end job you spent your life studying for ,the dead end you find yourself facing at the end of that over trodden road.
Thus he started his daily routine, shower, apply something to control that frizzy hair, put on his uniform , eat a breakfast of some pre processed cereal. Maybe if he has time , read the latest rant on the net and watch politicians lie to each other .
‘’ A Denial! ‘’ The singer screamed ,ending the song. That’s all life really was, A denial by those who are privileged to

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 10, 2006).]

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Watch your spacing with those commas.

quote:
Life beats it out of you,the dead end job you spent your life studying for ,the dead end you find yourself facing at the end of that over trodden road.

Watch repetition in wording.

quote:
Thus he started his daily routine

Would a teenager really think, "thus"? If you're in his head use his language.

This kind of just feels like an ode to Kirk Cobain. Make it a story of this kid instead. I don't need to know that he eats breakfast. Make him do something or make something happen to him. This is the best way to get me interested.

Hope this helps...

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Yep -- let something happen, I think.

I don't get how "A mosquito! etc." fits in -- that is, these aren't chords. Is he hearing these from a CD player, thinking them, or singing them?

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I assume the music is being played by an alarm clock, right? Either way, I sort of understand what is going on here, but the technical problems in this piece were too distracting for me to really get hooked. I say clean up the comma and spacing problems before you do anything else.