Hatrack River Writers Workshop: HELP

This is topic HELP in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Ravenwind (Member # 4421) on :

Need some help. I have "it felt" twice in these few lines. Can anyone think of another way to say this. I would accept any adive. Thanks, guys.

Ayden cringed and stumbled on the steps, knocking his head off the stone half-walls separating the rows. It felt as if an invisible spear pierced his side. He rose unto his hands, eyes in forced squints.
“Ayden!” Yimon yelled, moving toward the steps.
Ayden motioned for Yimon to stay. “Help Mary-Beth. I’m-I’m fine.”
He rose to his feet, pressing his fist to his side, alleviating some sharpness of the pain. With every jarring step it felt as though a hook lodge further and further under his ribs.

Posted by januson (Member # 4194) on :

not sure how to fix the whole thing without completely rewriting it, which would miss the point, i think, so how about this:

1. rows of what?
2. depending on the setting of this story--is it a fantasy story, that is?--say an invisible spear (or hook, but not both) IS piercing his side, metaphor taking place for simile
3. i assume he's rising ONto his hands, but also that would mean lifting himself up with his arms while still on the ground (on his knees, perhaps), then he's not rising onto his hands... unless he is agile enough, despite all that pain, to quickly do a handstand
4. what, exactly are forced squints? is that supposed to be a sign of pain? do we even need to know what his eyes are doing here?
5. as for the fantasy thing, is this a fantasy story? ayden, spelled as it is, and then yimon make me think it is a fantasy or something set in a very specific culture (yimon sounds to me vaguely hispanic if not oriental in some way), but then there comes a mary-beth. perhaps i shouldn't have come here so soon after the thread on naming characters in the other folder...
6. by the by, "I'm-I'm fine." means something different, though only slightly, than "I'm... I'm fine." not sure which one you're going for, and not suggesting one over the other, just saying...
7. is there a reason he's using his fist to alleviate his pain, rather than an open hand. for some reason, as i read that line, i got stuck on the detail, and got sidetracked to times my side has hurt--and not from invisible/imagined spears, mind you--and whether or not i put a closed fist to it, which seems like it might make it hurt more, or put an open hand or something else altogether. i'm guessing this is some magical wound with no external nature beyond the pain, in which case, i'm wondering how any hand present will help at all.
8. if the invisible/imagined thing is a spear, it should not be a hook, and vice versa. judging by thebit about it lodging further under his ribs, i would suggest going with a spear. hooks are not about inward motion and getting lodged but rather about the outward pulling that comes after.

all that said, it was a good enough start

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Ravenwind, I need a little more clarification.

Is this a "First 13?" or just "a few lines" somewhere else out of your story?

Are you looking for a critique on these lines or just looking for a suggestion of how to rephrase "she felt?"

The suggestions I would offer to you would vary a great deal based on whether these are the opening lines to your manuscript or a segment lifted from a later point in the story.

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

You could replace the first "it felt as if" with "he imagined" as in "He imagined an invisible spear piercing his side."

Posted by discipuli (Member # 3395) on :

''the pain was like''

or go straight metaphor '' a spear stabbed him in his side''

thats the first 13 lines? it seems confusing to me , your trying to do too much in too few words, if it builds up into action then i guess fast paced confusion is justified.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

"Agony lanced through his side." By the way, "side" isn't very specific. Also, "eyes in forced squints" is pretty clumsy, and "alleviating some sharpness" is downright abstruse. The "hook lodge[d] further and further under his ribs" doesn't really tell me much. I know what it feels like to be stabbed with various things, but I have no concept of what sensation this hook under the ribs thing is supposed to describe.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

>knocking his head off the stone half-walls
do you mean "knocking his head on the stone half-walls"? He can't have knocked his head off!

Overall: who's Mary-Beth? Why's Ayden hurt? What's going on?

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I agree with some of the previous comments; but sticking to your question, I don't like the sound of using pure metaphor ("An invisible spear pierced his side") -- especially not if this is your first thirteen, since for all I know evil robot monkeys could be throwing invisible spears at him, and he could have been hit by one. Instead, I'd change the second instance:

quote:
With every jarring step it felt as though a hook lodge further and further under his ribs.

...to something like, "Every jarring step intensified the pain, as if it were driving a hook further under his ribs" or "Every jarring step made him feel as if a hook were lodging further under his ribs." (As you can see, I'd personally eliminate "and further".)

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by Ravenwind (Member # 4421) on :

Sorry, guys. This is the start of Chapter 22. They have found themselves in a mysterious room. Mary-Beth collapsed. Ayden saw blood seep b/t her fingers and made to run toward her. As he did a pain shot through him, which should bring us to the beginning of this chapter. Sorry again.

A lot of good advice here. I was stuck, repeating myself with a lot of words and sincerly hate that.

Posted by Ravenwind (Member # 4421) on :

Sorry to post again. Yeah, I typed this out without giving it a polish over. I realize some spelling and verb tenses were a little off, only after I posted. They've been cleared on the hard copy, to much embarassment.