Officer Griffin hurried to room 303, he was always afraid to leave, never sure if the ever-present infections would steal his wife away while his back was turned. He found her sleeping, the machines beeping and rasping quietly to themselves. He stroked her cheek, noticing how frail and fragile she looked.
He brushed her hair out of her eyes and heard her mutter his name. He kissed her forehead and her eyes fluttered open. “Matti, I was dreaming of you.”
“I’m here.”
“I’m glad.”
“I brought something for you.”
He gently placed the keys in her hand. “It’s all ours.”
“A house?”
“A house.”

 

A little background...

Detective Griffin loves his wife so much that the house which is his christmas present to her, remains unlived in for decades because she died, and in fact, he refuses to tell anyone that she died in the hospital, instead making up a more violent end because at least he understands random violence as a cop, he has someone he can blame. With her dying of cancer, he has nothing he can fight against, no bad guy, and truly feels helpless.
 

A few nits: Maybe clarify right up front in the first sentence that he's hurrying down a hospital corridor to room 303.

I agree with Survivor also, it did seemed slightly rushed, I'm not exactly sure why though, maybe because you have four sentences in succession starting with He??? Maybe break them up.

As I said just nits. Overall I think the beginning works. Carry on.

[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited December 06, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited December 06, 2006).]
 

Officer Griffin hurried to room 303. Not a man prone to hurry in most situations, he practically ran back to his wife’s hospital room. He was always afraid to leave, and in a hurry to return. At times it seemed like a grim game to him, an easy way to fool himself that his wife would live. The house was just an elaborate part of that game. A little house near the woods, just like Alis wanted; A place she could do her art. And in the top drawer of her dresser lay a paid scholarship to art school.
He hoped to be able to pay her back for staying with him. She deserved more. She deserved to be the little princess that she was when he met her thirteen, no, almost fourteen years ago. Now, all he could do was pray that she would make

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 06, 2006).]
 

The key thing is to understand where you actually want to reader to enter the story and then start the story in that location. I think that the hospital corridor is one valid location, and the "dream house" seems like another good starting place.
 

Infectious...no, she's got cancer they are worried about her getting infections. Her lungs, because of the chemo and the lung cancer, are very weak.
 

Like I said, been batting this one around for a couple of years, and still am having trouble with where to start and when.
 

If you're starting with the lonely walk down a cancer ward's hallway to visit his dying wife, then give us time to understand that much before throwing too much else at us. If you start with the preparations for her homecoming to a house she'll never see with her own eyes, then let us understand that.

Or perhaps you want to start with a man who can't understand why his friends all look at him so strangely when he swears to hunt down the bastard that shot his wife. That would make an interesting story too. But tell the story through the scenes, don't get impatient. Readers like to discover the story as it unfolds, if they want to re-read it after they know the ending, then they can do that.
 

If it's about the loss, I think you are starting in the right place i.e. the hospital corridor - since Det. Griffin is going to tell his wife about the house and such. While he's rushing down the hall to tell her before she dies, the reader isn't yet.

A possible way of slowing down and sinking into the moment is to show him looking at the Christmas decorations in the ward. There could be a family there whose family member is being disharged because he/she is in remission. How would Matt respond to seeing that? That the other family is getting thier mother/father/ wife/whatever back and all he's getting is an empty house? That he won't get a Chistmas reprevie, no time off for good behavior?

Make me ache with him.

My suggestion is just one possible way to do it. There are thousands of ways to do it. Pick one that works for your story.

Also, as Survivor suggested you could start after she's dead. Does the reader need to know she died of cancer? Yes, if Matt is the POV. But, you could do this by having him tell the invented truth and respond to the reality. Ex.

Detective Griffin glared as Pam Smith, a new court appointed defense counsel, asked to know how he lost Ali. What did she know about dying by inches as your own body conspired against you? He looked into her bright eyes; they weren't hooded from loss. She'd just graduated from law school. From the look of her cancer was just a word, the Big "C", not the end of a dream.
"She was murdered when some jacked up idiot like the one you are trying to get off decided that he wanted to knock off a 7-11."

Figure out where you want to start and live in that moment. You can start after the death without withholding because I suspect while he tells the lie, part of him is going to be dealing with keeping the reality at bay.

Now, if someone new in his life, partner, girlfriend whatever, is the POV because that person would only know the "truth" Matt told. If the POV then discovers the world is not the way MAtt sees it, that's a very different story and from your posts not the one you are writing.

Based on what you've said about Det. Griffin, I like him and would like to see what happens to him. While neither fragment hooked me, the premise and character did. Regardless of how you start, flesh out Det. Griffin. I need to see how he feels/reacts to make him more than a 2 dimensional sketch. Good luck.

Officer Griffin hurried to room 303. Not a man prone to hurry in most situations, he practically ran back to his wife’s hospital room. He tried not to curse in irritation as a gaggle of happy people blocked his path. Charles was getting out, going home. He was a free man. They had caught the cancer early.

He was happy for Charles, but some small, bitter part of him wondered what great sin his beautiful wife had committed that she was unable to get the same reprieve that Charles had. Of course there was one thing he didn’t dare to think, dare to voice. That her crime was loving him. That she was being damned for his crimes.

Kermit looked down at his own hands for a moment, wondering how his wife lived with the stain of blood he bore.

 

You seem to be unable to show the opening scene as you originally concieved it, a fearful walk down a quiet hallway to the room where his wife lies dying. I don't think that you have to start there, but I do think that it would be a good place to start, and I sense that you are frustrated by your inability to write that scene.

The action you introduce into this version as a way of evading what you seem to be unable to describe has its own problems, of course, but I don't know that it's useful to linger on them. I think the main problem is that you don't know how to describe Griffin's internal turmoil, so you resort to distracting him with external concerns.

So I'm going to go a step or two in that direction. First, you've had Griffin hurrying down this corridor every time. Why does he do that? It's irrational, a fear-based behavior. To him, that corridor seems to stretch on forever, the door to his wife always receding into the distance, taking her away from him. He's afraid that if he doesn't hurry, he'll never make it, she'll be carried an infinite distance from him and the door will close forever and he'll be running down a dark corridor past the dying and there won't be any way out ever again....

Go ahead and tell us what he's feeling, why he feels compelled to run.
 

Slow down even more though. I second Survivor's comments on focusing on his perceptions.

On the 13 you have:

Since you don't mention Off. Griffin's first name for a moment I thought he was Charles. Tell me he's Officer Kermit Griffin. right up front.

The only emotions I get from the first paragraphs are:

1) he's in a rush
2) he doesn't generally hurry
3) he's irriated

If you are going to show Charles's discharge, slow the moment down and sink into Kermit's POV. The first two sentances don't really help you much. You can modify the third sentance and convey the same information.
Ex:

Officer Kermit Griffen tried not to curse as a gaggle of happy people blocked his path to his wife's hospital room.

also, "tried not to curse" seems passive. What does he do? Does he: grind his teeth, swallow against the lump in his throat, scrub away the start of a tear, shake his head at the stab of jealousy, does he smile at the sight and then scowl that it's not Ali being discharged or something completely different? Showing me his reactions will let me see that he's anxious, worried and guilt ridden.

How does the delay effect his worry that she'll be dead before he can tell her about the house and the scholarship? Does he want to take his billy club out and beat the "happy family" out of this way? What is he thinking and feeling?

You may be focusing too much on the action to observe the show don't tell "rule". What that means is don't tell me "he was anxious" show me by how he's perceiving his world. He's not going to dwell overmuch on the fact of Charles's discharge. He is going to care that it slows him down. He may even feel jealous or angry that Charles gets to live while his wife dies.

The " . . .some small, bitter part of him . . ." is IMHO telling and a POV violation. He's entitled to hate Charles for living. Grief is not sane. He's not going to think of that flash of hatred as coming from "some small, bitter part," the feeling going to consume him for a moment and he's not going to analyize it.

 

If this is a story about him loving her, I think you'll have to do that. Not sure.
 

Officer Kermit Griffin closed his mouth around a swear word and checked his watch as a gaggle of happy family members blocked his path. Charlie had gotten his reprieve, and there he stood, still in the hospital gown, greeting his faithful as if he were the pope himself.

Kermit had to smile, it was his duty as Alis’ husband, but the well-wishes were hollow, as was the smile. Why did that bastard go free? Why was God punishing his alis?

He checked his watch and tried to ignore the overly cheerful Christmas music as he walked down the hall to room 303. This was the fourth time in as many days he had made this trip, and he always hoped that the next time he made it it would be with Alis at his side.

 

He isn't superficial, but he is a loner, the type of guy they said would never get married... but he did. The type of guy who has so much heart that he has to bury it deep or he'd die from all the evil he can't fix. So, to most people, he comes off as a rough tough dirty-harry cop, not to his alis.