Hatrack River Writers Workshop: untitled scifi

This is topic untitled scifi in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by futuretense (Member # 4452) on :

This is something I just started working, and it is all I have written so far. Give it a read, looking forward to the replies.

Will clung to the hope that his call would be answered. He tapped incessantly on the communicator in his hand; beeps erupted from its internal workings, sounds that could give away his presence. The sound of footsteps echoed in the closet where he knelt; they were getting closer. He tried to swallow the fear that seemed to be choking him.
He put his ear to the door, listening for a sign that his pursuers might be close to finding him. The footsteps stopped. Will could hear the creaking of a door opening, and muffled voices. They were close, perhaps only meters away.
A distorted crackle began to emanate from his earpiece, and then the sound he was hoping for, “Tango One, are you receiving?”

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 03, 2006).]

Posted by Josh (Member # 4394) on :

Hmm. Need to work on the flow of the sentences. Sharpening your punctuation is going to be the biggest help here, as a lot of your thoughts and actions run together into a muddle.

It was also hard for me to figure out where he is in relation to his pursuers. Are they both in this closet? If footsteps echo within the closet, that, in my mind, makes me think someone is in there with him.

"listening for a sign that his pursuers might be close to finding him..."
Drop the "to finding him." All we need to know is they're pursuing him, and of course we'll figure they're trying to find him.

"A distorted crackle began to emanate..."
Possible edit: "A crackle emanated from from his earpiece," or "His earpiece crackled."

The last sentence needs to be chopped in two with a period.
"His pursuers had heard him. It was now or never."

Lastly, you use "sounds" or "sound of" a lot in such a short space. Perhaps try to bring in verbs or nouns that imply sound. You don't need to say, "The sound of footsteps." You can just say "Footsteps echoed..."

Hope this helps.

Posted by Jenn (Member # 7798) on :

I agree with Josh, but wanted to add that there's a strong narrative impetus and that's a good thing. Edit, but don't abandon.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

This actually has a strong narrative thrust, but there are minor clarity/flow issues.

I would keep reading.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

>Will clung to the hope that his call would be answered.

Tell us why, and we can hope too.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I think I need to know what's at stake before we can feel what the MC is feeling.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I didn't think that really needed more explanation, but you can lump it in as a clarity issue. A minor one, in that some readers will intuit the situation and others will not.

Posted by futuretense (Member # 4452) on :

Thanks for all the replies, I can see after reading the responses where I can improve on things.