Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fires of the Soul

This is topic Fires of the Soul in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Fires of the Soul (Fantasy, 1500 words+) Interesting? Would you read further..?

Byrin crashed through the thick brush and his face was bleeding from the many superficial scratches. His blue eyes were wide with panic and his breath came in short bursts. He was tired and didn’t think he could run any longer. He stooped over and trying to catch his breath, and then he heard it. The thing that was chasing him was crashing through the brush, and was getting closer. Byrin ran ahead clumsily, his legs felt like lead and he was feeling weak. Byrin took a chance to look back and tripped on a gnarled root, and it was then that forest seemed to explode.
“No!” Byrin crawled backwards, trying to get away. Pain shot up his leg, his ankle was sprained, “Get away, what are you? What are you!” His hand found a large rock, he clawed at it and threw it at the creature.

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

I did find it interesting, and I'd read on.
There does, however seem to be a bit of narrative inconsistancy at the end. From the beginning, it seems like limited third person narrative, and we are there along with the MC. But then you have him fall and see the "creature", wonder aloud what it is (so it is obviously strange and frightening),and you even have him throw rocks at it before we, the reader get to see the creature. Not only does this cloud up the consistancy of the narrative, it put me off a little. We should see the creature at the exact same time as the MC.
Now, if the MC does not see the creature and is just throwing the rock into the rustling in the bushes, that's fine, but clarify that.

Posted by Jenn (Member # 7798) on :

It was pretty hooky.
I would read on.
A couple of niggling points. When you go to recraft it, think about how you introduce something strange: if you want a shock effect then you need to give us something concrete and shocking; if you want it to reveal itself only slowly and therefore heighten tension, then describe it by things that don't give away what it is (but still give a sense of how terrible). At present I felt I was being left out of a loop.
Also, if you have the thing in your head, then why not give us a detail or several?
But my feeling is a terrifying creature is more terrifying if we see effects first (remember the TRex in Jurassic Park? The quivering puddles?) and not the thing up front.
Hope this helps, keep writing.

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Very valuable feedback to chew on. Thank-you!

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I got stuck at this sentence:

quote:
Byrin crashed through the thick brush and his face was bleeding from the many superficial scratches.

When you're painting a picture it helps if you do it one stroke at a time.

1. crashing through brush
2. they scratch him (he can feel this with burning and whatnot)
3. he bleeds (now he can't see this blood but he can feel it--let us feel it with him)

Also the "was" ruins it. Make it happen NOW. "His face bled" would fit better with the start of the sentence.

Okay, I see a lot of "was" now that I kept reading. Hm...

"His blue eyes were wide with panic and his breath came in short bursts." first off, do you think about what color eyes you have when your running for your life? This would be a POV violation. And if they were wide than we can't experience it with him. They can grow wide--that makes the reader feel it too.

"He was tired and didn’t think he could run any longer. He stooped over and trying (should be tried) to catch his breath, and then he heard it." The second sentence shows what the first sentence tells. This is what they mean by "show don't tell". His stooping shows us he's tired very well--plus his breath coming hard.

I hope some of these help. I saw several more things but it will be better to get these points down first and then look at the rest. It's an exciting beginning but you need to tighten your words up.