This a fantasy (first draft complete), approximately 120k. For now, comments on this first bit would be great, just to see if it snags the eyeballs out of the sockets. Also, does "Graven" work as a name?
13 lines:
Graven entered the bedroom and saw his son’s lifeless body stretched out on the bed. He stopped and steadied himself against the doorframe as he took in the rumpled form. Maelen looked like he slept, his face smooth, black hair tousled over eyes that were wide and blank. Even from across the room, Graven could tell no breath drew through the boy’s lungs, and if he touched Maelen’s throat, he’d find no pulse. Ignoring the twinges in his hips, Graven marched up to the small bed and frowned down at his son’s body. He made his tone as scolding as possible. “Maelen, I’m disappointed in you. Now put your soul back in your body before I get angry.”
Posted by januson (Member # 4194) on :
maybe a couple minor wording issues, like i'm not sure if your use of tousled is correct. but, otherwise, i like it, and the line at the end was made for the 13 line rule, a twist like that just when there's nothing more to read
as for "graven," as a villain it would probably sound a bit like cheesy or cliched, but i think it is a fine name for a "hero"
"maelen" on the other hand, seems a girl's name, but if other names fit the general sense of naming folk in your fantasy world, then that's alright as well
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
I think the name Graven suits the character and the story is interesting, fast moving. The only slow down was when you described the boys body as "rumpled"?. I pictured clothes being wrinkled - is that what you want the reader to envision the boys body as? Other then that, it definitely provides a hook, right at the 13th line mark..well done
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Better POV is needed.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Specifically, we don't know until the end of the snippet how Graven feels about seeing his dead son, and even then it's from dialog. As soon as we see the lifeless body, I want to know how to react, as MC. The fact that Graven knows full well what's up and we don't find out, makes me feel tricked.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
My first thought was that he knew his son was dead and was just coming to visit the body. I didn't know for a few sentences that he's just discovering this. I agree we need more reaction and feeling. Use POV as a tool to drag us into the story. If the MC knows than we need to know. If the MC feels it than we need to feel it.