Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Guardian (readers wanted)

This is topic Guardian (readers wanted) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Ravenwind (Member # 4421) on :

This novel is approximately 1/3 finished. It's going well and I'm excited about finishing. I would love feedback on it as a whole. If it fit into a genre it would be fantasy/horror/middle grades, though the horror is very minimal (I guess that depends on your point of view, may be maximum for some.)

Mary-Beth Goings hurried home through the dark, her letterman's jacket hanging loosely off chiseled shoulders. She felt something lurking close behind, keeping pace with her every step. Each time she looked back though, nothing appeared but an empty sidewalk.

Nothing she could see, anyway.

"Who's . . . who's there?" she asked again. She stopped and turned around, the pit of her stomach twisting like a scaly monster attacked the lining. The clock over Stevens Funeral Home read 11:58, past her curfew. Her father would be seething when she got home, sitting in his leather armchair and watching some old movie on television. A long lecture would ensue; there'd be yelling from both sides, and her father would spend the rest of

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 02, 2006).]

Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

My opinion: find a new starting point.

You're basically having the heroine walking down a lone road at night with an eerie sense of being followed/watched.

This is the way every single B-grade slasher movie ever started. Even the dialogue "who's there?" while turning around to see only nothingness, is already one of society's all time familiarities.

Posted by Ravenwind (Member # 4421) on :

Thanks for the comments. It's not a slasher movie, I guess I should have stated that upfront, it's nothing even close to a slasher movie. I wanted to play off of that though for mood and dip into the moods that readers associate with that.

Posted by Jenn (Member # 7798) on :

Mood's tricky and maybe overplayed here. I was expecting a wolf to howl and a monster to leap out of the shadows in the next couple of sentences. I didn't feel it was going to be a surprise if it did, and I probably would have been irritated if I'd kept reading and it hadn't (so sort of a no-win situation).
The monster in the stomach didn't work for me.
You could set up mood and control the cliche by thinking about concrete details, realistic details, of the setting (e.g. gravel or bitumen underfoot? What buildings are nearby? Are they familiar to her?). Let the mood sort of happen slowly.

Posted by Jenn (Member # 7798) on :

Sorry, I just realised you wanted readers for the longer piece, not a word-by-word intro critique.
If you're excited about finishing then don't go back to the start just now, go forward. A third of a novel is a terrific milestone, even if you have to do some reworking at the front later.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I find the reference to "chiseled shoulders" to be jarring when used to describe a female character. Generally the term "chiseled" is applied only to men.

I am not a fan of horror, so take my comments with a grain of salt. But this scene doesn't work for me for a couple of reasons. 1) I don't know this character, so I don't yet care that she's afraid. Nor do I know if she's overreacting or not. 2) While she is acting afraid, you aren't showing us any REASON for her to be afraid. Is she hearing sounds of footsteps behind her? Evil laughter? What?

The story seems out of order. You start with her fear of being followed, then delve into thoughts that are illogical, in the order of progression. That is, a young girl would be first of all worried about being home late after curfew, and getting yelled at by her parents. Maybe give us a reason she's OUT so late...(She knew two hours ago she should have left for home, but Johnny's kisses were so inviting)... then, once you've given us a slight introduction to the character, THEN have her observe she's being followed. At the point her fear kicks in, she won't be worried at all about her curfew, she'll only be thinking about what's following her.

Posted by Josh (Member # 4394) on :

This seems to combine two cliched openings. 1. A woman picking herbs in the woods while being unknowingly stalked. 2. Someone (again, often a woman) being chased through the woods. Some nasty creature catches her, she screams, cut to the next chapter without ever seeing what killed her.

These wandering beginnings that start slow and then slowly builds it to a climax...the problem there is it doesn't grab the reader right away. They have to make themselves read on with the hope that you're going to reward them.
Basically this type of scene sets you up to include a lot of backstory and exposition through the character's thoughts and all (such as the father sitting in the chair. An unneccesary description, I think, until we actually see the father and he becomes involved in the story...just my opinion).