Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 12 lines of the Capiam Universe (readers wanted)

This is topic First 12 lines of the Capiam Universe (readers wanted) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by elzoog (Member # 4410) on :

Basically, this is a story of a very strange universe. I already have a lot of ideas for this universe, but given that this forum only wants the first 13 lines, here are the first 12 lines. I decided to post 12 lines because this is how big the first paragraph is and it doesn't make sense to only post the first line of the second paragraph.

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This story begins at a very ordinary university with a very ordinary student. This student’s name was Brian Dean and he was struggling with the problem of what to do with all of the free time he had between music classes. He decided that doing the sorts of things that university students normally do in their free time such as, getting drunk, playing video games, performing various mating rituals with the opposite sex, or even doing homework, was too boring. After some deliberation, he decided that the one thing that most university students have not done was to create a universe. So in short, he decided to create a universe because he didn’t have anything better to do in his spare time.
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Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :

It's very clear what's going on, that's always a good thing. Presumably you're going to hit us with some action in the next paragraph?

I'm a little dubious of a Universe inside someone's head, why should I care if it's all just a dream?
Having said that I would read on from here to find out. It could work if the execution was right.

[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited November 30, 2006).]

Posted by elzoog (Member # 4410) on :

Actually, the entire first chapter is sort of philosophical and you don't start to see action until somewhere in the second chapter.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

It might be good to start with the chapter that has action in it. A whole chapter of philosophicalness might drag.

I like the clarity, and I like the topic.

What are you asking for? Comments on the first 13? Readers for a longer chunk? How long?

Nits:

I don't think Brian is ordinary at all. Struggling with what to do with all his free time is a little unusual, but thinking that flirting with girls is boring is highly unusual -- and creating a new universe makes him unique. Unless he's not really creating one.

Be careful talking about boredom to readers -- we're highly suggestible and may start to feel bored simply for that reason!

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 30, 2006).]

Posted by elzoog (Member # 4410) on :

If anyone would like to read a long chunk I would be more than happy to provide one.

The first chapter sets up creating the universe and a brief period where the creator interacts with objects in the universe.

As for your nits:

1) The real world "Brian" is interested in girls. However, the wording is the way it is for a kind of effect (i.e. flirting with girls is ordinary, all guys do that, whereas creating a universe is not ordinary). As far as struggling with what to do in his free time, this is part of Brian's character.

2) As far as mentioning boredom, I wanted to contrast things that all guys do (i.e. flirt with girls) with creating a universe. I also wanted to set up the sentence that he "created the universe because he didn't have anything to do in his spare time" which is a pretty important idea for the first chapter. It is also one of the best lines I ever came up with.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I recommend *not* addressing the nits in a discussion here. (We seem to have a consensus on this, as we found in this discussion: Arguing with critiques http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/001622.html
. That is, most of us think that the only 2 useful things to say to a critiquer are "thank you!" and "could you clarify what you mean?")

Intriguing idea.

Posted by elzoog (Member # 4410) on :

wbriggs

Point taken. Perhaps I should have asked him to clarify why I should avoid using the word "bored" (or any of it's derivatives) in the beginning of a story. For example,

Scene 1

Jim and Sue are sitting in their hotel room looking bored. Suddenly, they see out of the window, a giant robotic dinosaur crushing cars and heading straight towards them:

Jim: Quick Sue! Let's get out of here!

Sue: But what about Aunt Martha?

Jim: There's no way we can save her. She will have to get out on her own. Let's go!

Posted by berserc (Member # 4273) on :

I think the entire first line is kind of sketchy. We want to read the beginning of the story not be told that this is the beginning. I would remove the first line and start the second with something like 'Brian Dean was an ordinary student struggling with the problem...' Or something to that effect.

I like the idea unless it turns out to be one of those dream / reality things where you don't know if he's asleep or not. It sounds a little Douglas Adams, and I think that is very cool.

--
Berserc

Posted by starsin (Member # 4081) on :

I'm sorry...but it doesn't seem like you're telling a story there with those first twelve lines. It seems like you're doing something that I did once and that's to set up the entire story in an introduction. On hindthought, that's something that can be avoided - instead of going off and saying "well kids, here's what happened before all this happened, and here's why all this is happening" one could go off and within the first...oh say ten...chapters go off and tell the history. But that's kinda of a self-critique there, so don't pay it TOO much attention.

Clarification: I don't think that starting a story with "this story begins with...<blah>" is an amazing idea...it falls in the region of "okay", not "amazing" in my opinion.

There's my two cents...hope they help some!

- starsin

[This message has been edited by starsin (edited December 01, 2006).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

My problem is with the story so far, although it has real promise, is that you are telling me. Show me.

Okay so that's less than helpful but this is what I mean:

quote:
This story begins at a very ordinary university with a very ordinary student. This student’s name was Brian Dean and he was struggling with the problem of what to do with all of the free time he had between music classes.

While it nicely established at 3PO voice, you are telling me. Use that omni voice to get into Brian's head. He's struggling with a decision. Don't tell me that. Let me heard the struggle in his head or through his actions. Is he walking down the sidewalk and changing direction every few steps? Is he looking as drunk students and thinking how stupid that is?

If you want the Omni voice as strongly and want to gloss over his life BEFORE becoming a god, you might want to start where you end:

"Brian Dean created a universe in his free time between music classes because it seemed like a good alternative to drinking with his freinds or playing video games alone in a dark dorm room."

While imperfect, now you've told me in the "free" line everything that the original first 13 did and can get to the story.

You might want to read Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. It's a children's novel and does one of the best jobs I've seen of showing that the MC, Milo, was ordinary, impatient and bored without using those words.

From Tollbooth:

quote:

There was once a boy named Milo who didn’t know what to do with himself — not just sometimes, but always.
When he was in school he longed to be out, and when he was out he longed to be in. On the way he thought about coming home, and coming home he thought about going. Wherever he was he wished he were somewhere else, and when he got there he wondered why he’d bothered. Nothing really interested him — least of all the things that should have.

Juster is showing us what Milo is like by giving us examples.

Good luck with it.

Edit - darn my inability to spell!

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 01, 2006).]