Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled Fantasy short story

This is topic Untitled Fantasy short story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002304

Posted by Eldrang (Member # 4180) on :

This is a short story that i have been working on and i would like to see what you guys think of it.

My heart is pounding. It is hard for me to breathe. My death is drawing ever closer...I can't think of what it will feel like. My execution is scheduled for daybreak. As I look out of my jail cell I can see that it is thankfully still dark. I can't believe that I will never see those stars on this earth again…but...I am getting off track. I need to write my story down so that all I have suffered and done will not be in vain. I do not want someone else to have my same fate...where to begin? I guess I shall begin with the Moharian Crusades since that is when everything started going wrong...
I was a captain in the King’s army during the Moharian crusades. The King had ordered his whole army to go on the Crusade to regain the fabled Sword of Darkness from the

[This message has been edited by Eldrang (edited November 06, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 06, 2006).]

Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :

I like the idea of the opening. It grabs my interest immediately.

My only bone to pick is this: I assume from the second half that this is in a medeival fantasy kind of setting. If you could somehow establish that immediately, maybe even in the very first sentence, it might work a little more smoothly. As it is, I assumed in the first paragraph that this was in a modern setting, so it was a bit jarring when I got to the part about the Crusades and Kings and stuff. I had to re-envision what the first paragraph looked like.

Posted by Eldrang (Member # 4180) on :

I had the same problem and i couldn't quite think of how to remedy it but i think i may have stumbled upon the correct way...

My heart has not pounded so hard against my chest since the hectic battles of the Crusades. It is hard for me to breathe. My death is drawing ever closer...I can't think of what it will feel like. My execution is scheduled for daybreak. As I look out of my jail cell I can see that it is thankfully still dark. I can't believe that I will never see those stars on this earth again…but...I am getting off track. I need to write my story down so that all I have suffered and done will not be in vain. I do not want someone else to have my same fate...where to begin? I guess I shall begin with the Moharian Crusades since that is when everything started going wrong...
I was a captain in the King’s army during the Moharian crusades. The King had ordered his whole army to go on the Crusade to regain the fabled Sword of Darkness.

that last sentence goes on but evidently I had to sorta stop it mid-sentence so I'll keep it that way for this.

[This message has been edited by Eldrang (edited November 07, 2006).]

Posted by Verloren (Member # 3916) on :

I liked the second one much better because I was able to get into the story much easier (my expectations were met the whole way).

I did wonder why the MC was having a hard time breathing (is it hyperventilation or is it because of the jail cell?).

I definitely want ot know why he's got a death sentence and what happened.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

Personally (as always this is totally subjective) I feel like you're spending too long on the first paragraph. The story really starts with the line " I need to write my story down so that all I have suffered and done will not be in vain."

The 6 or so sentences before this point just delay me getting to this line. There's some important information in there but I feel like it's only 1 sentence: "My execution is scheduled for daybreak."

So, I'd suggest cutting the opening paragraph down to something along the lines of:

My execution is scheduled for daybreak. I need to write my story down so that all I have suffered and done will not be in vain. I do not want someone else to have my same fate...where to begin? I guess I shall begin with the Moharian Crusades since that is when everything started going wrong...

That's a little choppy, but you get the idea.

By the way, it's not that the description of the character's reactions to his imminent death are badly written, I just don't think they're that necessary to the story you're trying to tell, and, in fact, are getting in the way.

Just my 2 cents.

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

I agree that you can cut out most of the descriptions of the MC's emotional state. I think you could begin with
"My death is drawing ever closer. My execution is to take place at dawn, so I must begin etc."
Or something like that.
I feel that if the MC has just a few hours to write is whole story, he wouldn't waste time writing his thoughts of the stars. He'd get straight to the point.
Also, if I know simply that the MC is about to be executed, I don't need to read "my heart is pounding, I can't breath etc. We can fill that all in for ourselves.

Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :

Personally, I like the second version quite a bit. I think that one would be a fine first paragraph for a story.

Posted by lovehate (Member # 4110) on :

Let me examine some of the assumptions that this intro gives me:

- The jail in this crusade era supplies it's prisoners with all the paper, pen and ink they desire as well as the light to write by.

- This jail will fold up the prisoner's writing and preserve it, rather than throw it away.

- The thing in this world the character will miss the most is the stars.

- The character has given up any hope of reprieve and wants to help other people that he hasn't met

Now, of course I haven't read the rest of your story so all these issues might be addressed on the next page.

However, what if instead of writing his story down, the narrator's wife / sister / best friend (the one thing that the narrator will miss the most in the world) finally bribe their way into the prison where the narrator can tell them his tale in the last hours before he dies? Then the story is oral history rather than written and the narrator is emotionally tied to his world by his loved one, who will pay attention and listen to the tale.

This could also lead to deeper character development, maybe cutting between the past (the quest for the dark sword) and the present (the last hours of the narrator and his loved one's reactions to his tale).

I hope that is helpful. Best of luck.