Gherrit Dravin knocked on the door and watched the flakes of rust fall from the door onto the litter strewn floor.
A woman answered with a wavering voice, “hello?”
“This is Lt. Dravin of the Lexarnus City PD, following up on the report of a disturbance around these premises.”
The door opened a crack and the woman’s eye was visible in the dim and flickering fluorescent light.
“And how the hell am I supposed to know you really are Lt. Dravin of the Lexarnus City PD and not one of those creeps who has been sneaking around here?” the woman asked in a slightly stronger voice.
“You don’t,” replied Dravin, “but you’re gonna have to trust someone, otherwise the police cant help you, Ma’am.”

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 03, 2006).]
 

" Gherrit Dravin knocked on the door and watched the flakes of rust fall from the door onto the litter strewn floor."

The fact that you used the word "door" twice in this sentence really stood out to me. Also, I'm pretty ssure you need to hyphenate "litter-strewn." The first sentence is the most important one. (No pressure, right?) That doesn't necessarily mean you should spend a year harping on it. I often go past it and come back at the end to make sure I've picked a first sentence that really sings. I'm not saying this is awful -- but it could be better.

"A woman answered with a wavering voice, “hello?”"

For some reason, even though it's only the second sentence, I'm struck at this point that I don't know what's causing her voice to waver. I *think* that it has to do with the fact that the first sentence spend more time on rust and litter than on what this situation might be. It hints at a conflict, but doesn't really show me one.

"“This is Lt. Dravin of the Lexarnus City PD, following up on the report of a disturbance around these premises.”"

Ahh...here we go. Some information. I think this opening would sing if this information was in the very first sentence AND if the Lt. here has some attitutde or thoughts about it to start to shape his personality and the situation. Here, it's just being reported without much flavor. Here are some possibilities:

1. Dravin couldn't believe he was out on yet another domestic disturbance call. He had been to this very apartment ten times in the past month. Why didn't this chick just get a divorce already?

2. Darvin kept his hand on his gun and eyed the shadows, in case the reported gunman was still in the area.

At this point, I'm not at all sure what flavor of man or of situation we're talking about here. I'm sure it's neither of those things I used as examples, but the point is that there are ways to bring out what's happening, even when we don't really know everything yet, and give us a sense of person and situation.

"The door opened a crack and the woman’s eye was visible in the dim and flickering fluorescent light."

This is an example of what I thought worked well in this opening. You clearly show me what kind of place we're at -- I'm envisioning a low-rent apartment in a bad part of town. These are good details.

"“And how the hell am I supposed to know you really are Lt. Dravin of the Lexarnus City PD and not one of those creeps who has been sneaking around here?” the woman asked in a slightly stronger voice."

Better. She's scared. I can hear it in her dialogue. Not only that, but I finally get a sense of what the conflict is -- there are creeps sneaking around. I'm still not sure what they're up to or what the actual disturbance was, but at least I've eliminatd domestic from my mind. Also, I'm getting a sense of character for the unnamed woman.

"“You don’t,” replied Dravin, “but you’re gonna have to trust someone, otherwise the police cant help you, Ma’am.”"

I had a problem with this. He should have passed her his badge. That's how she knows he's really a cop. He is required by law to do this. I know you said scifi and I'm okay that I don't know exactly what kind of world we're in yet, but unless there's a really good explanation laid out in advance, I would expect this to work the way it does nowadays. I would expect him to show her his badge.

#######################

All in all I'm getting the idea that this is a police/crime novel (whether scifi or current can be negotiated later). The implicit promise is that whatever badness the cop is investigating will tie into the rest of the story, even if it is only part of the story, AND that it will resolve in the climax in some way. Using the MICE quotient, I'm sensing this is more an idea story at this point, but depending upon how the opening continues to unfold I would be willing to accept event as the strongest thread. Millieu and character always make good substories.

This also feels like the sort of story I would enjoy reading. I wouldn't say I'm fully hooked yet, but there's at least a tiny prick in my side that would make me want to give you a few more paragraphs.

I don't really have time to read all of it yet, but hopefully my vey in-depth analysis here has helped you some.
 

“And how the hell am I supposed to know you really are Lt. Dravin of the Lexarnus City PD and not one of those creeps who has been sneaking around here?” the woman asked in a slightly stronger voice.

You don’t really need the reiteration of his name or the dialogue tag. Her words convey the stronger voice quite well.

“How the hell am I supposed to know you aren’t one of those creeps who has been sneaking around here?”

Your opening – you are trying to set the stage a bit with the flakes and the litter-strewn floor. Why not go ahead and set it with more sf-ishspecifics? Like –

Dragondog turds, bits of nuked food, and condoms littered the hallway. Gherrit Dravin grimaced. He scraped clear a place to stand in front of the door to apartment 15C and knocked. Flakes of rust from the doorframe sifted down onto his hand.

“Hello?” came a woman’s wavering voice.

“This is Lt. Dravin of the Lexamus City PD, following up on the report of a disturbance around these premises.”

“How the hell am I supposed to know you aren’t one of those creeps who has been sneaking around here?”

You don’t,” replied Dravin, “but you’re gonna have to trust someone, otherwise the police can’t help you, Ma’am.

The door opened a crack and the woman’s eye was visible in the dim and flickering fluorescent light.

Why do I think this grouping works better? Because the flow of the interchange is not broken up by the door opening a crack where you have it. And…It’s as if the woman responds in two different ways – by the how the hell… and in opening the door to look.

And, why do I think putting the hello after the description of the wavering voice is better? Because he would hear the voice and then make the assessment that it is wavering. You don’t think it is wavering before you hear it, would you? I mean, the single word “hello” could come in any way – angry, fearful, heated, whining, wavering, loud…etc. And it feels to me that the woman wouldn’t open the door a crack even until after that exchange.

Just my opinion.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 03, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 03, 2006).]
 

Gherrit Dravin knocked on the door and watched the flakes of rust fall to the litter-strewn floor, while wondering why anyone would trust the police to deal with anything, since almost every officer in the force was corrupt.
“Hello?” came a woman’s wavering voice.
“This is Lt. Dravin of the Lexarnus City PD, following up on the report of a disturbance around these premises.”
The door opened a crack and the woman’s eye was just barely visible in the dim and flickering fluorescent light.
“And how the hell am I supposed to know you really are Lt. Dravin of the Lexarnus City PD and not one of those creeps who has been sneaking around here?” the woman asked in a slightly stronger voice.

[This message has been edited by Eldrang (edited November 03, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 03, 2006).]
 

I’m just thinking about this. I’m not saying you are wrong, just thinking.

I don’t know that attitude itself is the problem. I think we could wait a couple of paragraphs to find out about the disturbance. But I wholeheartedly agree with you, Christine, that his opening needed more of something in that first paragraph.

We keep talking about the first line etc. It needs SOMETHING to draw the reader in. I’ve seen a simple statement work. Remember the one with the line about the postcard arriving? The first two lines there were great. And the one with the tattoo?

I think some sf-ish litter could work here because the right details could call up lots of stuff in a reader’s mind and the MC’s reaction to it would tell a lot about him.

What would be litter in the future?
Litter that marks a place as low-rent and dangerous that a contemporary reader could shudder at?

I think urine in the halls will always be with us in those kinds of apartments. Maybe even on spacestations – a low-class, corporate run station?

My first issue is the use of to-be type verbs that are changing the tense of the piece on the fly. "... while wondering why anyone would trust the police" is a good example. You're already in his shoes, and can basically eliminate "While" without even changing the meaning or the context of the sentence. "... the woman's eye was just barely visible..." can be fixed by finding a verb instead of adjectives; in this case, your verb is "was". "appeared" is the obvious choice, but this can also be resolved with the following nit.

Yout have a habit of flat-out stating what is happening (telling), rather than depicting it in the breath of the scene (showing). It can be seen at a few different points in the piece, but here are two examples that particularly paused the description as I read it (these may also help to eliminate the former, as you're likely to put them into the tense of the action):

quote:

---

Gherrit Dravin knocked on the door and watched the flakes of rust fall to the litter-strewn floor, while wondering why anyone would trust the police to deal with anything, since almost every officer in the force was corrupt.

---

Really like your description of the door, you put in Dravin's eyes. The second part might be more grabbing if you took something like the following approach:

Gherrit Dravin knocked on the door and watched the flakes of rust fall to the litter-strewn floor. As he waited, Dravin wondered if the faith in his department yet lingered behind this, if any, door--one needn't look far to see the police making backward deals in the alleyways. Not in this precinct.

Granted, it's a little more wordy. Cuts back on your room for 13, but it's that sort of flesh that may better encourage your readers onward.

And it doesn't have to be that thick, that's just an example. Here's a smaller one:

quote:

---

The door opened a crack and the woman’s eye was just barely visible in the dim and flickering fluorescent light.

---

A thin crack interrupted the threshold as the door opened slightly, the flicker of fluorescent lights casting a fluctuating shadow across the woman's peering, yellow eye.

By taking hold of your tense and your POV, you can flesh things out the way an analytical MC might. Something to remember is that you're in the mind of a police officer who, whether he's a goodie or a baddie, is going to be watching and cataloging every detail.

Is our good Lieutenant any relation to Eric, by the way?
 

I think the second opening is much better, but the biggest problem I had with the first version is still there: I don't feel like I'm getting to know the MC. We've got his thoughts, but not his attitutdes and franly, the thoughts don't communicate much about HIM, only about the police force. We don't even know if he's one of the corrup cops.

Here is the difference between a thought and an attitude:

He wondered why she would call the cops when most of them were corrupt.

How desperate did this chick have to be to call the cops?

I didn't read the above posts so I may be repeating things.
The thing that struck me weird was the old Lady repeated the guy's name perfectly, and it's an odd name. It needs more characterisation too. Let us get a feel for the characters.

I preferred first version to second version. The second seemed stilted and the line about '...because all the cops are corrupt' is authorial intrusion. He really wouldn't be thinking this, at this moment. Would he? It was information for the reader disguised as internal dialogue.

I'd rearrange idea order and try not to be too clever with introducing information. Just say it. If you want to do internal dialogue make it clear, with italics or something. This is the way I'd rearrange the ideas and add more characterisation.

PS: some people hate getting rewrites in crits. No one ever does it to offend. Hope it doesn't bother you.

All the cops in Lexarnus were corrupt. Lt Gherrit Dravin wondered why anyone bothered to call them anymore. He knocked on the metal door and felt rust fleck-off under his knuckles.
'Who is it?' came a voice from inside.
An old woman. Surprise, surprise. 'Lt Dravin, Lexarnus PD. You called?'
'Thank goodness you're here.'
He snorted. Yeah. She probably still believes in politicians too. He heard her undo the bolts but she left the chain on, opening the door just a crack. She peered at him.
The old duck's not so naive after all. He smiled.
'What's so damn funny?' she said.

2¢

PS: Don't rewrite your opening everytime someone make a comment on it. Wait for a consensus and only change it if you agree. Otherwise you'll end up tossing it in unsure about what was good and what wasn't.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 03, 2006).]
 

[This message has been edited by Eldrang (edited November 03, 2006).]