Edit: This will be a novel-length work, btw, so any reservations and opinions (varying as they are around here) concerning the first 13 will need to be taken into account.
------- Griffith and Graham - The Dragon Doctors -------
The inclining horizon of the small mountain twisted violently as Ehrich's legs lost their grip on his mount. His body sailed with all the swift momentum of an arrow shot over the soft and fertile soil of his beloved Gaeia, the serenity of this fertile and unnamed isle painstakingly lost for its adopted nature as a battleground. And no trivial battleground had it become; this would be the final clash of the forces of Soil and Fire against those of Air and Sea.
The warrior's body bounded through the lower foliage of great palms, the air roaring and shrieking through the slits of his helm. Ehrich's body caught a frond at its base against the husky trunk of a tree, and he spun at neck-break pace, the full force of the strike jolting a great and numbing pain through the whole
[This message has been edited by David (edited October 26, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 27, 2006).]
I had the problem that I'm not sure what happened to his mount; I can't picture a horizon twisting violently unless there's some sort of distortion lens; and I can't believe that you can be shot as fast as an arrow over a forest (how did he get the speed?) and not be killed as soon as he hit.
The descriptive aspect of it seems comic, unintentionally, I think. "His body sailed ... over the soft and fertile soil, etc." Is sort of anticlimactic -- as if we were to say "Jane was brutally murdered while wearing a gorgeous dress from Tiffany's with a fine lace collar that was the envy of all her friends."
What's your story about? Start there?
). I think that wording of the second sentence could be fixed too: "all the swift momentum of an arrow..."?? What? I think that maybe too many descriptors there. In my mind, sounds okay either as "all the momentum of an arrow..." or as "all the swiftness of an arrow". But both together...I'm personally not too sure about it.The setting: Gaeia...? I hear that and I start to get slightly disintrested. I think "oh boy...another sappy 'mother earth' story." No offence intended however.... I also think that the forces are a slightly messec up combination: Earth allied with Fire? Air allied with Water? Why? I'd think more of Earth allied with Water and Air allied with Fire. But maybe it's not a thing of alliances, maybe it's merely a free-for-all, but your wording suggests otherwise.
About POV, I disagree a little with wbriggs: I can see how the horizon could twist violently with falling off a mount of any kind. I personally have fallen off my fair share of horses and I know that the horizon doesn't stay still when that happens. Put youself in the air presumably upon the back of a dragon: when you fall, your body is going to rotate a little or a lot, that could cause violent rotation of the horizon.
Do palms have "lower foliage"? I thought that palms slightly resembled mushrooms: nothing sticking out of the base - everything's at the top. I dunno...I'm rambling: it's almost 11:00 at night and I was a bit bored. Sorry if none of this makes any sense at all. Just trying to help a bit.
starsin
As for the palm tree, it's referring to the base of the frond where it meets the husk of the tree. Think the wording is too vague?
Gaeia for me is something of a kickback from all those years playing certain video games. I like to incorporate a small homage here and there in my writing, and since this is a name from a real-world myth, I like it. Anyone else concerned by that?
2/2 people think there's something wrong with the arrow shot sentence, so I'll definitely consider rewording.
As for the elements, I wanted to take a classic mythology and twist it a little. This war won't be coming up much in the main story, since it ends with the prologue; the rest of the book hinges on what happens here, so no lip. :P I figured a good way to divide the elements would be Water and Air (wind comes from the sea) and Earth and Fire (without earth, nothing that easily burns can grow). Again, not real pivotal to the rest of the book, but important to know for the moment.
Anything else? Captivating enough to spur you onward, or just another high fantasy?
Your style is good; it's really poetic, and can be a lot better. I feel your story is unclear, and your making the reader work to hard to understand what is going on.
For instance your first line, "The inclining horizon of the small mountain twisted violently as Ehrich's legs lost their grip on his mount." You wrote this sentence backwards. It shoud be, "Ehrich's legs lost their grip on his mount as the inclining horizion of the small mountain twisted violently." Your subject should usually come first, so people know whats happening, especially in the first sentence of your story.
Also don't hold so much information back. What is happening to him? What is going on? Don't make the reader so fustrated in trying to understand why he is getting thrown around like this. Sometimes it's easier and better to start before the action takes place, so the reader can relate and feel more for this character as he goes through this traumatic moment.
I also felt your being to descriptive. The information of Gaeia and the battleground doesn't fit right here, while you have us focused on this warrior being tossed around. Focus more on the moment and whats going on.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited October 27, 2006).]
Ehrich's body caught a frond at its base against the husky trunk of a tree, and he spun at neck-break pace, the full force of the strike jolting a great and numbing pain through the whole...
A blow may numb, but pain does not. Pain is what it is, a sense of physical discomfort. Numbness is a lack of sensation, which may follow the initial pain of a severe blow, but is not caused by the pain. Editors tend to pick up on this kind of stuff. When proofing and revising my writing, I try to look for descriptions like this that are unrealistic. I know what I mean to convey, but don't always get the wording right in the first draft.
quote:
The inclining horizon of the small mountain twisted violently as Ehrich's legs lost their grip on his mount.
"Inclining" is a bad word for what you're trying to do. How does a horizon twist? If there is a earthquake tell us up front.
A "small mountain" is probably a "hill".
Start the phrase with the important bits: Ehrich lost his grip on the horse, or whatever. I've switched subjects from "legs" to the guy himself to help the reader identify the MC right away. Sorry for the rewrite, hope it didn't bother you.
quote:
His body sailed with all the swift momentum of an arrow shot over the soft and fertile soil of his beloved Gaeia, the serenity of this fertile and unnamed isle painstakingly lost for its adopted nature as a battleground.
Lost. Metaphor in the second paragraph... interesting if done well. "soft and fertile soil of his beloved..." too many modifiers. "His body sailed with the momentum of an arrow, shot over the soil of Gaeia."
Sorry for the rewrite. Notice the coma. "Momentum" gives an image of speed without acceleration and more or less equals "swift" so you can cut that and lighten the narrative.
I didn't mention it before, the name "Ehrich" seems unnecessarily complicated. Why not "Erich" which is more normal in English. Same thing for Gaeia. How do you pronounce that? Why not Gaia, Gia, Gea?
quote:
And no trivial battleground had it become; this would be the final clash of the forces of Soil and Fire against those of Air and Sea.
quote:
The warrior's body bounded through the lower foliage of great palms, the air roaring and shrieking through the slits of his helm.
quote:
Ehrich's body caught a frond at its base against the husky trunk of a tree, and he spun at neck-break pace, the full force of the strike jolting a great and numbing pain through the whole
Interesting beginning. Maybe a bit drawn out: there's not much info here other than MC falling from a horse and maybe it could be trimmed down a bit. I think I know that you're going for effect by giving all these details. I can't really tell you this soon in the story whether that works for me or not.
Sorry for taking liberties with your text. Sometimes it's easier to show an example than explain.
Hope that helps
And best thoughts, they are. ^^ The horizon is twisting because he's spinning through the air--was trying to capture a sense of the disorientation of it. Did this not work? A lot of people have commented about changing it, and only one has stated they understood it correctly.
As for his legs vs. himself, I agree that it doesn't necessarily need to be as I had it, so I will consider revision.
I've already begun to pare down the amount of descriptors in the arrow section, and should have an updated post pretty quick here.
Ehrich is a scandinavian name. I chose this to remove it from the common usage, because this prologue takes place a goodly time before the actual MC is born. Gaeia I may just leave out. Was an homage, but probably serves the piece better to skip it for now.
I'm more concerned with revising the latter (Ehrich's body) than with the former (Ehrich's legs) because it might detract from the meaning. If I say that Ehrich caught a frond as he was flying through the air, that indicates to me that he was able to see the frond, and may even say that he stopped his fall by grabbing on to the tree limb. The general disassociation was intended to show that he was out of control. Could this have been done better? If I revised, I could use a word other than "caught" to avoid this confusion. Would that be preferable?
[This message has been edited by David (edited October 29, 2006).]
Please post any feedback in the new version.
"Ehrich gasped as his legs lost their grip on his mount. He fell at a dizzying speed, the horizon twisting violently in his vision as he fell."
That's not very well-written, but what I'm trying to show is how the man felt, what he saw, PERSONALLY, not as narration, so it's more immediate, gut-wrenching, more interesting. Seeing the action at a "distance" (not from his POV) makes the reader not care as much about the character. Even if we don't know him, we will GET to know him as we watch his reaction to his fall. Is he struggling on the way down, fighting his fate, or is he passivly accepting that he's going to hit the ground hard (and most likely die)? If he's an intelligent flyer, he might TRY to "shoot like an arrow" toward a soft landing (in a lake, perhaps? To get the proper imagery of him trying to control his fall, think of a skydiver in freefall and how they control their motions). He might curse or at least moan as he hits the palm tree instead of the lake. But watching him fall, since there is a span of time involved (even if a short one), should tell us something about him, from inside his head, IMO. Such a scene will be much more exciting.
I like the imagery of the air shrieking through the slits in his helm, and I like this story a lot better than the one with the blacksmith (although I liked the mention of the dragon in the other version - here we don't know what he fell from). Keep working and do show us your progress!
Lynda