Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Agents of the Balance

This is topic Agents of the Balance in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

Edit: Introduction might have helped... this is my first work, and I'm looking for indication as to how this grabs... per the site, not a whole lot to go with, but it's 13 lines from my manuscript, so I hope it's enough.

If anyone wants to see a little more of the query, let me know. I'm very anxious to get some real feedback... when your mom says it's great and she can't wait until they make the movie, you just don't draw a lot from that. :P

--------- Agents of the Balance --------

The rich scent of pine perfumed the air as the firewood split in two, its lesser half bounding off the cutting stump and into the pile at Jonos' feet. On the damp evening breeze that filtered its way up the bowl of the valley, the sound of fireworks popped and fizzled, punctuating the repetitive fall of his axe. Jonos' face became contorted as a smile broke through his reluctant and withdrawn scowl, his dark hair clinging to the damp, fair skin around blue eyes. From the makings all about the town of River and Cliff, it would be a feastday to remember, but for the first time in years, Jonos would have no part in it.

The memories washed back in as he sighed, shifting the remains of the pine log into a wider stance to be hewn once more. After his father left the village, an event he remembered so little

[This message has been edited by David (edited October 26, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 27, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

When I read the word "axe," that's when I figured out I wasn't at a campfire, where the wood split violently because of the fire.

Why won't Jonos be at the festival? Does it matter to him? How does he feel about it, and why is he chopping firewood? These are the things at the center of your narration, so let us understand them.

Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

I had considered the cutting stump and the pile at his feet sufficient to indicate he's chopping wood. Would it be better served if I indicated a chopping block instead? That's traditionally indicative of an execution in my mind, but I suppose it lends the same purpose.

As for Jonos' mood, the fireworks made him smile despite himself. Is that not a sharp enough clue to his opinion? What more do you think could be done with the first paragraph, without throwing subtlety under the axe?

[This message has been edited by David (edited October 26, 2006).]

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

The writing is pretty nice. I'll pick nits in a minute.

We're getting to know Jonos, and that's good; but it's not hooking me in much yet. Is this a novel? If not, consider helping us figure out what's important about your story on this first page. Even if it _is_ a novel, you have more time -- but not much.

I wonder if you aren't starting at the wrong place. You have a man chopping wood, and then there's a flashback. Maybe you should start off when the _story_ begins, rather than here? I'm finding (and I'm new to fiction writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt) that I often have to write a scene to start me off, and then that gets me to where the action begins -- at which point I throw away that first scene.

Nits:

quote:
as the firewood split in two

You're making your main character passive. I suggest "as Jonos split the firewood in two... at his feet".

quote:
On the damp evening breeze that filtered its way up the bowl of the valley,

Nice, soft feeling...

quote:
the sound of fireworks popped and fizzled, punctuating

...interrupted by pops, fizzles, and punctuation. This was a little jarring to me: it feels like the initial calm should be less calm, or that the noises need to be muted.

quote:
Jonos' face became contorted as a smile broke through his reluctant and withdrawn scowl,

You're using an omniscient POV here. I don't think Jonos would describe his face as "becoming contorted" because he can't see it; similarly with the rest of the clause. If you want to be in his POV (probably 3rd person limited, like most commercial fiction) -- and based on the next paragraph, I'm guessing you do -- then you need to describe this (if at all) from his perspective.

quote:
From the makings all about the town of River and Cliff, it would be a feastday to remember, but for the first time in years, Jonos would have no part in it.

This is the closest thing you have to a hook. Tell us why. Right now, I'm expecting to find out what the feastday is, and why he won't be there. If that doesn't come out in the next few paragraphs, you need to rethink your approach somewhat.

I hope this helps,
Oliver

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I understood that he was chopping wood right away, but even so making Jonos active will help.

"Chopping block" suggests butchery, either animal or human, to me.

Briggs's other questions are the same as mine, although I suspect that the wood-chopping isn't relevant to the story at all -- he could as easily be drawing water from a well -- in which case you're probably starting from the wrong place.

[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited October 26, 2006).]

Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

That's kind of funny. In my next project (The Dragon Doctors), the first time you meet the MC he is drawing water from a well. >.>

It is a novel-length work, and sure enough, the next few paragraphs indicate why and how he's once again outside arm's length to the whole of River and Cliff.

In this case, as to where the story leads, this opening was actually added because I was told by my one solid critique that there wasn't enough character build-up to the inciting incident. Jonos is actually biding his time, waiting for a sign that he knows is coming. Would adding a little more anxiety to this menial task make a more capturing moment?

As for the POV... it was my understanding that 3rd person limited gave you the external (narrative) POV that describes the scene outside of the MC as well as his own internal voice, but didn't extend to other voices in the same scene (as signified in 3rd person omniscient). Is that wrong?

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

The setting is beautifully described. Most of my nits with it have already been discussed.

quote:
Jonos is actually biding his time, waiting for a sign that he knows is coming. Would adding a little more anxiety to this menial task make a more capturing moment?

Yes, but I need to know why he's anxious. I need to know that he's waiting for a sign and want to know how he feels about it. Right now all we have is a guy chopping wood. Is he dong this mundane thing to take his mind off what he has to do next? Is he chopping wood because it is related to what happens next.

You switch from the comment that he's taking no part in the festival to his father leaving the village. I need to see the connection because right now the shift is jarring to me at least.

Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

(disregard the redirect that was here... I like the original recipe starting)

[This message has been edited by David (edited November 02, 2006).]

Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

I think for this work, I'd like to stick with the original approach. I've been studying POV a little, trying to discern what it is that I don't have quite right, and I think it is author intrusion and a lack of internal sampling in this first segment. There's plenty in the book, I think I was just trying a little too hard to paint the picture as a movie from the beginning, as is my inclination. :P

So go ahead and discount the v2 post. I will leave it up for now so people can at least refer to the feedback posted therein.

Here's v3:

----- Agents of the Balance -----

The rich scent of pine perfumed the air as the firewood split in two, its lesser half bounding off the cutting stump and into the pile at Jonos' feet. On the damp evening breeze that filtered its way up the bowl of the valley, the sound of fireworks popped and fizzled, punctuating the repetitive fall of his axe. Jonos felt the muscles in his cheeks tighten into a smile at the sound, but adamantly schooled the expression for the somber mask he'd fought so hard to maintain all day. From the makings all about the town of River and Cliff, he knew the feastday would be a fond day, a celebration stored with the most cherished of sentiments past. For the first time in years, Jonos looked in on their joy from the fringe, the imagined eyes of the village turning fearfully his way from every shadow,

[This message has been edited by David (edited November 02, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 02, 2006).]

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

Version 3 has one very big improvement over the other versions and indeed, over all the samploes of your writing that I've read to date: the last line. It was a pow! A punctuation mark! A hook, even.

Trouble is, I'm still caught up in the string of complex and difficult to parse sentences coming at me in the first paragraph. Let's look at the sentences:

The rich scent of pine perfumed the air as the firewood split in two, its lesser half bounding off the cutting stump and into the pile at Jonos' feet.

29 words.

On the damp evening breeze that filtered its way up the bowl of the valley, the sound of fireworks popped and fizzled, punctuating the repetitive fall of his axe.

29 words.

Jonos felt the muscles in his cheeks tighten into a smile at the sound, but adamantly schooled the expression for the somber mask he'd fought so hard to maintain all day.

32 words.

From the makings all about the town of River and Cliff, he knew the feastday would be a fond day, a celebration stored with the most cherished of sentiments past.

30 words.

For the first time in years, Jonos felt himself pushed to the fringe, the imagined eyes of the village turning fearfully his way from every shadow, through the golden glint of every shuttered window nook.

35 words.

To me, the fact that each of 5 sentences have between 29 and 35 words is a HUGE red flag. Not only that, but every single one has a comma separating clauses that are fairly complex.

I rarely harp on style -- the only exception is when it truly gets in the way of the story. Long sentences are fine, but this opening is quite simply a ton of work. The last sentence, though, that was easy. That was a joy to read. It was simple, eloquent, and beautifully done.

I think you need more sentences like that. Personally, I'm a big fan of a very short, simple opening sentence. It's not by any means a rule or something I go out looking for, but I find that more so than any other sentence, I don't want to work for the first bit of information in a story.

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited November 02, 2006).]

Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

Would you say that the point of view issue was sufficiently resolved, at least?

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

I'm not really sure what POV issues you were talking about, to be honest. That was never my issue with any of your versions. You'll have to ask someone who thought that was an issue.

Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

Always nice to hear that someone felt the same, though I like having a little more internal process anyway.

To that end, I did fine tune a little more, including the recommendation that I'm a little long-winded. I will post again once I get a little more feedback from the gallery. Thanks for your feedback... it's always nice to know why or how something isn't working, rather than it just isn't. ^^

Posted by Faye (Member # 4170) on :

It seems like you're going into a flashback right after the end of this bit, which seems a bit superfluous. If that's all you're going to have before the flashback, then don't put it there. Put us in the thick of the action from the beginning, then give us this scene at the end so we can more fully appreciate its significance.

Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

It's not so much a flashback as a little backstory while he's in the moment. A bit of an exposition dump, which I recognize can be trouble in the first chapter, but the point of the wood-cutting scene is to give that exposition a little life, since the exposition is vital to the inciting incident.

Like I said before, the original draft started much later, but it was suggested to me that we meet Jonos and understand his position around the village before it launches into the incident. Would you rather start in the action and be left guessing, or get a little simple exposition that contributes to the moment?

Posted by David (Member # 4125) on :

Okay, here it is with a little more variation of sentence length. This should hopefully be something close to a final draft, so if anyone has further nits about it, now's the time. ^^

Mostly, I'd like to know if splitting a few of the ideas into separate sentences helped the flow or not.

For those of you who suggested I revise my POV and get more to the point of what the story is about, is it better? Started out with a lot of comments, now they've kind of died out.

----- Agents of the Balance -----
The rich scent of pine perfumed the air as the firewood split in two. Its lesser half bounded off the cutting stump and into the pile at Jonos' feet. On the damp evening breeze that filtered its way up the bowl of the valley, the sound of fireworks popped and fizzled, punctuating the repetitive fall of his axe. Jonos felt the muscles in his cheeks tighten into a smile at the sound. He adamantly schooled the expression for the somber mask he'd fought so hard to maintain all day. From the makings all about the town of River and Cliff, he knew the feastday would be a fond day, a celebration stored with the most cherished of sentiments past. For the first time in years, Jonos looked in on their joy from the fringe: the imagined eyes of the village turned fearfully his way from every shadow, through the golden glint of every shuttered window nook.

Just as if another house had been burned to the ground.

[This message has been edited by David (edited November 04, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I understand the logistics of what's happening, but I still don't get the emotional significance. I think Jonos will not be attending the festivities, but I don't know why, or how he feels about that, and I think this is the focus of what you're telling us.

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

This is much clearer. I feel that I finally understood what was going on without having to work for it.

You asked a little while ago about where to start a story ... before the action or during the action. This is very difficult when it comes to fantasy, in particular, because if you're not careful you can end up laying quite an info dump on our heads. A snippet or normalcy can keep you from needing the info dump, but unfortunatley it also keeps us at a distance from the story.

The first few paragraphs form what is often called the "implicit promise" of the story. A satisfying ending fulfills the promise implied in those first few paragraphs. Most fantasies are event driven stories, which should usually begin when the main character gets involved in whatever is wrong with the world.

When normal for a character is something that we can understand, then I think you should begin when their life is interrupted. This guy is a woodcutter. I get that. I don't even have to be a woodcutter or know a woodcutter to understand that. What is going to interrupt his life? If raiders suddenly come in and burn the village to the ground, then you start when he becomes aware of that. If someone kills his mom and he has to get revenge, starts when he learns of her death. If a druid comes into town and tells him he is the world's only hope then begin when he meets this druid. A life interrupted is a great way to begin an event story when a character is otherwise fairly ordinary.

When a character is not ordinary, such as a person with a superpower or a person with a strange job (assassin or thief) then you can begin with a scene that shows us normal for them. There are two reasons that you can do this in that case, IMHO: First, because it will be interesting to hear about their version of ordinary. Second, because it will be difficult for us to understand without this information.