Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Changing the Gaurd

This is topic Changing the Gaurd in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Sci-fi, 1200 words currently, short story/longer -draft, unfinished..does this story have hook, is it interesting?

Prime Minister Kevin Micheals lay twisted in his sheets; a nightmare haunted him nightly since he deployed the army overseas. The soldiers in his dream were hunting him, bullets whizzed by his head and his breathing was labored. Then it happened a bullet pierced his chest and when he looked up to see who had shot him – shock. His son Nathan was holding the rifle, and he was smiling. Kevin sat up quickly and felt his chest.

“Whats wrong with you?” asked his sleepy wife.

Pale, sweaty and emotionally drained Kevin just shook his head and got up. He walked to the bathroom and turned on the cold water. He splashed his face and walked down the hallway to his son’s room. He opened the door quietly and looked in, his son was sound asleep and in the crook of his small arm was his

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 19, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

It's not bad, but I'm not really hooked. I think you could start elsewhere -- not much is happening here.

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Yes it does move slow to start with and I pondered, what 13 lines to display...perhaps here,

Scuffling feet caught his attention and he turned the chair towards the sound, “Ben is that you?”

Out from behind the large drapes came a shadowy figure, and he pointed towards the Prime Minister, “You don’t know me, but soon the whole world will. Your death will mark the start of a new dawn for this world”

Kevin sucked in his breath and reached under the desk to press the silent security alarm several times, “I don’t know who you are, but you are in serious trouble. If you have any weapons place it on the ground” Kevin tried to sound steady and calm

“No, Kevin, yes I know your name and no one will come. They are all asleep, but they will wake when you scream!”

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

It seems like that's a better place to start, but it feels melodramatic as written. Did you ever see _The Incredibles_, the cartoon about the superhero family? There's a scene where Syndrome (bad guy) is explaining stuff to Our Hero and almost gets caught. He laughs and says, "You almost caught me monologuing!" This feels a little bit like that. If he's going to talk to the Prime Minister before he kills him, it had better (in my opinion) be really important to the killer that the PM understands why he's being killed. In other words, it had better be personal. A good hitman would just kill him and get out.

I'm assuming that Kevin and the PM are the same guy. The way you have it written, it's a little ambiguous at first. I know you're playing around, but when you decide where to start, fix that character in your reader's mind. I might start the first paragraph with, "Scuffling feet caught the attention of Prime Minister Kevin Costner. He turned the chair towards the sound. “Ben, is that you?”"

[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited October 20, 2006).]

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Now that you said it, the bad guy does sound like that..made me laugh, thanks oliver. Thanks all!