Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Here's a piece of something...what do you think?

This is topic Here's a piece of something...what do you think? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by kinh (Member # 2772) on :

I want to plish this, but I can't put my finger on what is missing. If you want the rest of it, please drop me a line.

The dumbest irony in the world is the fact that the desert is cold at night. Heat makes people desperate, justifying most cases of insanity. I always imagine people in the desert clamoring over dunes and delirious with heat exhaustion. The cold means clarity. It means precision and sharpness, because energy cannot be wasted in the cold. I’m in the desert at night, three in the morning on a flat, arid plain of Iraq. What I have to do must require some level of insanity, because there is no other justification for it. Yet, my precision is vital. Can’t make a mistake out here, because there is nowhere to hide. I keep flipping the trigger switch over in my hand, staring out at a starry sky, tiny lights poking through holes in a sheet of night. I remember the roof of our apartment

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 13, 2006).]

Posted by Hendrik Boom (Member # 1991) on :

I do appreciate the wonderful description of the night on the desert, but it isn't enough. It isn't a hook. And while the purpose of his presence on the desert seems to be important to him, whatever it is, even he doesn't seem to be able to focus on it, and he starts to reminisce about his past. Mind you, I do like the reminiscence, too, and if it involved only as much effort as turning the page, I might read on.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

Your 13th line ends with "...apartment building on..." Everything after that shouldn't be posted. (Why only 13 lines?) So my critique is based on reading only that far.

The story here really starts at "I’m in the desert at night..." Everything before that, while well-written, doesn't introduce a story to us. Since it's a nice passage, perhaps you could move it elsewhere and keep it. But where it is now, it just puts off starting the story.

I’m in the desert at night, three in the morning on a flat, arid plain of Iraq.
No complaints here. A good, solid sentence that introduces us to the setting.

What I have to do must require some level of insanity, because there is no other justification for it. Yet, my precision is vital. Can’t make a mistake out here, because there is nowhere to hide.
You are keeping secrets from the reader. It's not interesting unless we know what he's thinking about. Rule of thumb: if the point of view character knows something relevant to the scene, we need to know it too. Otherwise, suspense dies. I don't care how vital his precision is, or that he can't make a mistake, or that there's nowhere to hide. Why? Because I have no context for those thoughts. I don't know why they're important.

I keep flipping the trigger switch over in my hand, staring out at a starry sky, tiny lights poking through holes in a sheet of night.
This feels like stalling. Nothing is happening. Combined with already having no context or understanding of what's going on, you're beginning to lose my interest.

I remember the roof of our apartment building on...
Ok, now we're going to learn something. That's good. But it's too late. We need to learn more earlier.

Also, I caution against starting with a flashback. While it has been done and can work, it tends to kill the forward momentum of the story before the story even gets started.

Overall, the writing is good, but the content is too empty. I need more information about what's going on in order to be interested.

Also, some quick advice, since you're new: when posting fragments, it's a good idea to include the genre and approximate word count, especially when asking for readers.

Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :

I think the opening would get a lot stronger if you moved "I’m in the desert at night, three in the morning on a flat, arid plain of Iraq" to the beginning, made it the first sentence. Then the stuff about hot and cold in the desert isn't just some unattributed rambling of the author, but thoughts firmly entrenched in the character's POV.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I like first-person narratives with a conversational feel to them, so I found the voice interesting. As others have already pointed out, though, we don't know what's going on yet, so I'm not sure if I would have kept reading or not.

What genre is this story? How many words?

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I echo, strongly, all that's been said.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I think this would be a more appropriate opening for a novel than for a short story. You feel like you're setting context, and there is some tension here; if this were a novel, I'd turn the page -- but I'd expect something to happen soon. If this is for a short story, it needs to start more quickly, I think.